Broken Hearted

So, last night my boyfriend broke up with me. I'm between heartbroken and shocked but at the same time a bit relieved.

It wasn't because we didn't care about each other anymore, or that one of us had been unfaithful, or that we had a major fight. We happen to work together and couldn't go through with hiding our relationship anymore.

I wanted to just come out to everyone about it, and he didn't. He admitted that our relationship wasn't a priority to him. I told him I couldn't go from loving him to acting like I barely knew him anymore. I just wanted him, but his job was going to outrank me every time.

I am not a high maintenance girl. I don't ask for much. I don't want constant attention, I don't ask for presents, I'd rather park outside a candy shop on Valentines Day with McDonalds and watch frantic men run in to buy last minute chocolates for their significant others. My point is, I'm an easy girlfriend; I've been told it might be because I react to relationships like a man.

Although since I've spent the last 26 hours crying and eating chocolate and hot cheetos watching An Affair to Remember and The Holiday and Under The Tuscan Sun.

I've never felt like this before and I think it's because I didn't fall out of love with him. It was surprising and it came out of nowhere when he suggested that we break up. We had a fight last week and we decided to get together to talk through it. We live an hour away from each other and it's not easy for either of us to make the trip. So, we got together and had dinner together, we watched a couple episodes of the Mandalorian and were having a great time together. Then he asked if we could talk about the fight and before I knew it, we had broken up and were determining how we should act around each other at work and if we could be friends.

I got in my car and burst into tears. I'm not a crier, it takes a lot to make me cry and I haven't had a big cry since my grandfather died four years ago. But here I am, drinking wine straight from the bottle and going through abox of chocolates that I got for Christmas. I haven't showered or changed out of my yoga pants and I've been crying so much that I now have a bottle of face lotion to keep my skin from drying out. My bedroom night stand now looks like a man lives here with a remote control, a bottle of whisky, a box of tissues, and a bottle of lotion.

I have never wallowed after a relationship ended. After I broke up with a guy I had been dating for five years, I cried for an hour and then watched a couple episodes of the Death Note anime series and then fell asleep at 10 and went to work the next day.

I took a personal day off today because I couldn't find the willpower to get out of bed. I went to the kitchen and just grabbed an armful of snacks and took them back to my room and didn't leave. My cat even left me while I sobbed watching Diane Lane get dumped by her Italian Boyfriend Marcello and then popped open a bottle of merlot.

I just want someone to share a house with until I drop dead, is that so much to ask for?

I wanted so little from this guy, just to be able to go out without him looking over his shoulder. I felt like a mistress and his wife was work. What else could I have done? It had been sixteen months and he still wouldn't come out. We missed our one year anniversary because he went to a job last minute and forgot about me. He forgot about my birthday, our anniversary, several dates, and Valentines Day. Work came first and to him he was the difference between the company succeeding or failing.

There I was, just me. I wasn't enough.

Bottom line, if someone isn't willing to go all in with you; don't be with them. It's not worth the heartache when they pass you and completely ignore you.