Humans logo

Breathe... Scream!!!

by Ivan Gomez 4 years ago in family / humanity

I Can't, I Just Can't: My Father's Death Bed

Breathe...."AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Breathe...."AHHHHHHHH!!!"

I walk in to this scene, I see Dad, my dad, lying on his death bed. I know the inevitable is coming. I'm horrified, how can I face his death? My dad is dying; I see him on the bed.

Breathe..."AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Breathe..."AHHHHHHHH!!!"

He's screaming his pain away. My dad, who is CURRENTLY dying, is screaming his pain away. Appalled at the sight, I turn to the left and see the dry/erase board, start reading it, only thing I remember is that they have him on morphine now. They just want to ease his pain. His liver can't process morphine anymore, Cirrhosis.

Breathe..."AHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Breathe..."AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Mom yells, "Hey say something! Anything! Talk to your father! Look at him! Talk to your dad!"

Sisters, "Mom, just let him do it himself."

Breathe, "AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Breathe, "AHHHHHHHH!!!"

I finally puzzle myself together and I approach him. I slightly touch his hand, "Hi Dad, how are you?"

Breathe, "AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Breathe, "AHHHHHHHH!!!"

I stroke his peppered hair, "Oh mi papa..."

I walk back to his feet, I stand by the door, between his feet and look at the dry/erase board.

"Are you going to say anything?" Says my little sister. "Say something!"

Older sister, "If you don't want to talk to us, that's fine, but at least talk to Dad."

"C'mon hold his hand! Do it! Talk to your dad!" Pleads mother.

"Why are you being so mean? Just say something! Anything!"

Breathe..."AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Breathe..."AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Mom's phone rings, steps to the hallway to answer.

"Tell him that you're here, or just talk!"

"Hey!"

"Hey!"

"Hey!"

I'm staring at a living corpse! Skin and bones literally, skin and bones... The man who is my father is now a pile of moving skin and bones.

"Won't you just..."

I look at dad.

Breathe, "AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Breathe, "AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Angry I explode, "You see Dad! You said you wanted to die drinking! Well your wish is coming true! Congrats dad, congrats!"

Breathe, “AHHHHHHHH!!!”

I storm out, mom gets off the phone in the hallway, "Hold on... Hey where are you going? You can't go anywhere! You need to stay! Why are you being so ugly!"

I can't, I just can't...

I walked to the elevator, pushed the button. Hear mom still telling me to come back. The elevator is taking an eternal trip to the 2nd floor. Tears are swelling through my eyes as I impatiently wait for it. I push the button again, maybe doing so will speed it up, maybe it will know urgency.

Ding! Ding!...

It finally arrives. I walk in, it's empty, I finally break down in there.

I can't, I just can't...

I can't see my own father dying; this shouldn't have happened. I mean, yes it's a part of life, but he decided to speed up the process. Doctors told him he's showing signs of Cirrhosis, he still kept on drinking.

This shouldn't have happened!

This shouldn't have happened!

This shouldn't have happened!

I can say that one million times infinity times, but this isn't going to fix anything. It's not going to turn back time. I was blinded by my opinions and my frustrations; I didn't want to see him die! He could have stopped; he was there because he decided not to stop drinking.

His favorite liquid companion went by the last name Beer. When he got told he's showing signs, his solution was to switch to light. Yes dad, that's going to kill the problem, nope it did kill something; not the problem.

My best friends kidnapped me the next day, they let me scream, cry, remember and tell the worst of my memories of him. "What an asshole! He never cared!" One of them then says, "Look, right now it's not about you. I'm sorry that you're going through this brother, but IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! Your father is dying. Don't you think he wants to see you and for you to be there for his last final breaths? He's scared, HE'S DYING MAN! Go tell him everything you need to tell him, have closure. Make it better for both of you. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU."

I can't, I just can't...

But I forced myself to; the next day I went and I spoke to him, he was in a way better condition. He was more calm and relaxed. I told him that I loved him no matter what, that I was writing a book and I signed the contract to have it published and I showed him the pictures of the signed contract. The next day, I went and I stayed till he breathed his last. I hugged his lifeless body and cried…

I cried!

I cried on my father's chest for 15 minutes. I cried so much that I left his chest soaked with my tears. Tears of sorrow, tears of grief, tears of regret... But these tears were also tears of relief, his suffering had stopped, he was at peace.

We can't do anything about the past; he should have, would have, could have. Should, would, could, isn't going to turn back time no matter how many times we repeat it.

Should, would, could holds us to the past; it leaves us in the past. Whatever happened in your life that has you saying the shoulds, woulds, and coulds of this life keeps us from moving on. We need to let things be, it is what it is...

And what it is needs to be let go!

familyhumanity
Ivan Gomez
Ivan Gomez
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Ivan Gomez

Ivan "The Black" Gomez, follow me on Twitter and IG: @solraczemogg and FB: Ivan Gomez. Life's a tragedy, and I'm full of life.

See all posts by Ivan Gomez

Find us on socal media

Miscellaneous links