Breakups and Heartbreak—It’s Not All Bad

That first date is what can make or break the future of the two of you. Whether it's going out to eat, or just watching a sitcom and talking. That first impression can either make the night end good, or...it can make it a night you'd much rather soon forget.

If it goes the way you hope, then you're gonna be seeing that person quite a bit. You're gonna end up thinking they are great, and even if you don't admit it, you're gonna be thinking of a future with them, because naturally we're curious, so we like to make up ideal scenarios. All this can stir up feelings of love, happiness and joy, so eventually you let yourself feel for them. You invest yourself emotionally. Your time, energy, and heart is prioritized towards them. You hang out with them a bunch, more and more as time goes on. Always feeling great with them, always having fun, feeling adventurous, and feeling connected and unbreakable. Your emotions are running free and you're on for the ride.

Everything is great. Maybe it's one month in or ten months in. Regardless of the time, you feel amazing that you're talking, hanging, and actually dating this person. But then...something happens that you never wanted to think or prepare for...

They tell you they found someone else, or that they just want to be friends, or that they don't share the same feelings anymore. They say it's an ex who's back in the picture, or a friend who turned out to be more. Or maybe it's just a decision they wanted to make because it's just that...their decision.

They say that they want to stay friends, but you know it will be extremely difficult. Because even though they don't have the feelings anymore, and they believe they can just be your friend now, you know your feelings are still there. And hanging out as friends would not only be hard, but also saddening, awkward, difficult, and eventually, may cause you to fall for them more.

What do you do? What do you say? How should you react? All questions that really have no answer besides one universal one.

Be respectful, be understanding. Even if you're angry or upset. You cannot make them feel worthless, or terrible, or make them feel like they just did something unforgivable. Because they did nothing wrong. The same way your mind and heart created emotions for them, is the same way their mind and heart said they didn't feel the same. They didn't get upset at you for feeling deeply for them, so you cannot get upset at them for feeling differently. They were respecting you by saying the feelings aren't the same anymore. They may have felt the same for a while, or it seemed like it anyways, but they came to realize they didn't have feelings for you anymore. Nothing more, nothing less.

But...but...maybe they weren't respectful. Maybe you always did right by them, and made them extremely happy, and you know you did because they always said so. But maybe instead of being nice, they out of the blue said, "I don't want you! I want you to stop talking to me. I liked you, but now I don't! Just leave me alone!"

Should you be angry? Upset? Sad? Depressed? Nobody would blame you if you were. But you still must go on. Life still goes on. Even if you're not moving along with it, it goes on. You still need to respect the decision even if you don't exactly understand it. You cannot fall to the level they went to. You need to be the bigger person. You need to because if you don't, you'll regret it later on when reminiscing on how you reacted. When you act out of spite, all of the things you did to make them happy, make them love you, or make them smile everyday all gets erased. When you act like you're better than them, or that you're meant for them and nobody else will do what you did for them, you just erase the good memories they had and replace them with bad ones. They will only remember how you reacted at the end. They won't even know you anymore, which will make their moving on that much easier.

Whether you wanted to stay friends or not, now you won't even have that choice. You cannot lash out. You just need to respect the decision and say you respect it and will try to move on. Doing this opens the opportunity to be friends one day if they were, like in the first scenario, respectful and nice to you in how they said they didn't have the same feelings anymore.

If they acted like the person in the second scenario, then you need to just accept their wishes and move on. If you spite them and yell, scream, show hate, disrespect them, or insult them, then all you're doing is responding to their disrespect with more disrespect, and you have in turn, negated all that positivity and love you showed them throughout your short or long relationship. So always be respectful, because even if they weren't, at least you can say YOU were and continued to do right by them.

After all this you're still going to feel the pain. You're still going to be left with heartache and bad thoughts. You may want to try and get over it, or you may even want to end it. But you must know that it's never the right option to give up. You must keep going because they are too. They are fine, and you are not. So you need to be happy. Even if you are hurt. You need to get up, keep going, and continue being the good person your ex-significant other fell for. Because another person will see it, and they will fall for you too. You feel like you'll never find another person like them. But that's how everyone feels after losing someone they love. But I will say to you from experience, you will find someone else who loves you. You will! You will! You will! I know it, and deep down, you know it too. You just have to find that hope within yourself. Stay as respectful as you can, and don't let a breakup that leads to heartbreak keep you broken. Put yourself back together and stay positive. Smile when you're sad. It may seem weird to you, but just smile or laugh out loud. It will help. Even if you need to fake that happiness at first. Eventually, you will get through the darkness and come out with some light. And that little bit of light will start to shine brighter and brighter, and when you find that next person who falls for you, and you in turn fall for them, you will be able to experience the happiness again. Even if the same outcome happens as before, you know the answer is to stay respectful and positive. Even if it hurts the same, and breaks you the same, and makes you feel the same way, you will still make it out, still stay true to yourself, and still be the person you know you are. You'll never lash out in hate, insult, or bully the one who hurt you because you need to be the same respectful and great person in the end of the relationship, just as you were during the relationship. Don't let a breakup break who you are. Even if your heart breaks into some pieces. They'll be picked up again. They will. Trust me, I know it.

They'll be picked up again by someone who loves you. And when it happens, that love will keep you going. It's a vicious cycle, love is. But it's well worth it. And when you find the one...you'll be able to say that all the pain, suffering, darkness, and heart break helped you form new bonds even stronger than the ones before. Date, like, fall for, love, love, love, feel pain, feel broken, maintain your respect at the end, and then do it all again, because all of it makes you stronger. We all have emotions...some use them to hurt others, but others use them for good, and to prove to people that no matter what happens to them, they will never lose sight of who they are. Don't worry, things will get better. Even if it seems that all is lost right now, I can promise you, you just haven't found the missing piece of your healing heart...but don't worry, someone will pick it up, and it will be whole again. You just have to believe. You just have to keep going. And maybe, just maybe, it'll take a few pieces falling out, to finally get it all back together...but when it is, you wouldn't have had it any other way. So keep going, because I know you're strong, and I know you're gonna stay true to yourself, so just keep going, and don't look back, because what's ahead of you is far too beautiful.

I love you,

-JB