Breaking My Own Heart

I break my own heart. It sounds so stupid. But I do. You wanna know how? It's cause I overthink. And I start thinking of stupid things that makes me sad. Worst-case scenario shit. Like my boyfriend is looking at every girl we walk by. Maybe that makes me insecure. I am insecure. I didn't want to be this way. I wasn't that way at all. At least not until... he cheated on me.

I didn't want to rehash all of this. I didn't want to talk about it to anyone else ever again. Cause I'm in love with him. I'm still with him.

Most people will think I'm stupid. I am kinda. I feel stupid sometimes. Let me just tell you what really happened.

July 8, 2017: Our anniversary. First day he called me his girlfriend. Perfect start to a perfect summer.

September 28, 2017: I moved to Los Angeles and we began our long distance relationship.

December 12, 2017: Winter break, still going strong, more in love than ever.

July 8, 2018: Our one-year anniversary. I was home a couple days before and we celebrated early. It was perfect.

July 24, 2018: He stopped talking to me. Ghosted me. I was so upset.

July 26, 2018: I flew out to Washington to see him for the weekend. He didn't want me there. But he ended up letting me stay and we had the best weekend in the end. I went home Sunday the 28th and we decided that we were still in love, but sad to be in a long distance relationship.

July 29, 2018: I found out he was cheating on me. Once on July 25th with a girl named Bianca that he met on Tinder. She was tall and Latina. A nice curvy body. Big smile. Prettier than me. He had sex with her. On this night, he said he was going to a party at his friend's house and that he would call me when he got home. I gave him $15 dollars to buy something to munch on, or gas money. He said thank you and that he loved me. I let him go. I had a bad feeling when it was past midnight and he didn't text or call me to tell me he got home safe. I decided to log into his Snapchat. Disclaimer: he never used Snapchat until the weekend I went home so I was weirded out—and, of course, he uses the same variation of password on everything so I figured it out. I logged on and the entire list was all girls. Girls I had no idea who they were. Two of them stood out. Bianca and Kristy were both his "best friends." I looked at the messages between him and Bianca, and all that was saved was her address and a message from him saying, "Okay kisseys babe I'll pick you up tomorrow around 4." That was on the 24th. The day before he went out with her. Two days before I flew out. I was shocked. I was so angry. I messaged both girls demanding to know why they were texting my boyfriend. Bianca and I talked on the phone and she told me everything. Even the part where she hooked up with him. On the bed I slept on. The bed that he and I were intimate in. I was disgusted. I called my friends in a group chat call, and before I could even say anything, before the words could get out of my mouth, I was crying and screaming in pain. Mental pain. I was so hurt. I was angry and sad and so very confused why he would do that to me.

It consumed me. I had work and class the next day and I couldn't sleep. I just cried. I just felt alone. He wouldn't answer any of my calls or texts. And it was because he took the $15 I gave him and took Kristy out that night. I guess he only half-lied because he did go to the party. But he told Kristy to meet him there. He introduced this Tinder girl to his friends—friends that knew I was his girlfriend. And he lied to everyone. Kristy received my text as she was playing pool with him, at a place he and I would go frequently. Somewhere I thought was special to us. And, of course, as he played pool with her he got behind her, "teaching her," ending up kissing her. Like he did with me. He told her to ignore me and lied to her. He took her back to his apartment and had sex with her. She left at three AM and then he called me. I saw his name pop up on my phone in the middle of me crying. I didn't know what to do. I picked up and he couldn't even say the truth. He said he didn't hook up with Kristy. He told me that he didn't love me anymore. He told me that he was sorry. I said sorry you did it or sorry you got caught? And his reply was, "Sorry I got caught." I cried and cried, and he just watched me on video chat crying. Kristy started texting me and told me everything.

We broke up.

August 1, 2018: Kristy and I were Snapchatting because she actually made me feel better and told me she hated him for what he did to both of us. She sent me selfies. She was in his car. On his pillow. At his house. I cried again. I didn't eat for days and I didn't sleep much either. While he was using the phone I was paying for to talk to girls that were not me. I was depressed. I still am. Every girl that looked like Kristy and Bianca made me want to hit them. I was so angry with the world, and him, and them. I told her that it was shitty for her to say different things to me and be on my side, then still go hook up with him. She didn't care. The next day he brought her brownies to her work in a container from my mom's house. She didn't like them. She trashed them. Brownies were my favorite dessert and he made them for her. I was so hurt.

August 8, 2018: Both Bianca and Kristy found out about each other and both told him off through text. Throughout the week, he was calling Kristy every night saying goodnight and giving her attention. Telling her he was over me and that he didn't love me for a long time. Meanwhile, he was on the phone with me a few times ending with, "I love you so much." I told her and she was done with him. She went off on him, as did Bianca, telling him to stop messing with girls who don't deserve it because all three of us deserved better than getting played. I helped her write the paragraph.

Yet a small part of me wanted to be sure he was okay. I called him and he answered for the first time after a while. He was crying. He finally told me he was feeling the guilt of it all—of everything he did to me. He said it was his first really bad day this whole time. I told him, "Must be nice for you because everyday since then has been a hell for me. You obviously don't understand." And he was silent. He went to dinner with his friends and called me when he got home. I wasn't so eager to get back together with him, but I was so happy that I got him even talking to me.

Fast forward a few weeks later and he was treating me better. It was slowly getting better.

November 28, 2018: A friend from back home sent me a screenshot of his new Tinder from a day before.

My world was spiraling once again. I am so stupid.

We broke up again. I was so depressed, even more now. He blocked me because he "wanted to focus on himself." I hated myself for letting this happen again. All he did was make the Tinder and I couldn't do it. He didn't even talk to anyone and it was too much for me.

The next month was spent dating around, but nothing was comparing to how he made me feel.

It was time to go home for winter break. I didn't want to tell my mom what happened between us, so I begged him to let me stay with him like normal. Once he picked me up from my mom's house that first night, it was like nothing ever happened. I loved him so much, and he apologized for everything.

Long story short: He sucked me back in. He was showing me he loves me everyday. He still does. A month ago, he moved to Los Angeles to be with me. It is still scary for me to think about because I love him, but I also feel like something could happen again. He has been treating me the best ever, since December, so I don't know.

Only time will tell.

But I'm scared shitless, cause I'm in love and I don't want to be hurt again.