Bound by Hope

April 2014

“Hey, is this Jenni? My Jenni, from Teen Impact? It's been a long time. What's goin’ on with you? Message me back when you get this. Sorry it's taken me so long to acknowledge your friend request—From, Jared

Were my eyes deceiving me? I hadn’t heard from the closest thing to a best friend I had in sixteen years and there was a message on Facebook. I wondered for years what had happened to Jared. So, after getting away from Grey and settling down in my current marriage, I sent him a friend request. I had decided I was no longer going to be the dependent, needy, abused spinster my husband married and Jared was one person who could help my husband see me as “me.” I had sent him a request several months before and had all but given up on him answering back. I quickly sent a reply with my phone number so we could talk. Not twenty-four hours after sending the message, my cell phone rang. It was a number I didn’t recognize, so breaking my own rule about answering calls I didn’t know, I gulped, “Hello?”

“Jenni? I can’tbelieve it.” The excitement in his voice was almost tangible.

“Holy cow! It's been a long time!” I responded with the same level of intensity.

“It has been a long time, huh? You sound exactly like I remember,” he laughed. I remembered that laugh like it was yesterday.

“I do not.” We talked about our families and lives in general. Then, he asked about the elephant in the room. “Why haven’t we stayed in touch?” He sounded sad. This, of course, launched us into what I not-so-fondly deemed The Grey Saga. I knew it would probably make him angry, but was surprised when he replied, “You mean to tell me, we ‘ve lost precious years because of a jerk? If I could, I would kill him. The only thing that kept me going was believing you were happy, and the whole time you were living in Hell.”

“I couldn’t stay in touch because I never knew what would set him off or when. I did keep in contact with your grandparents for a while, until I knew you were happy and okay. I got out and things are okay now.” I wanted to soften what I had just dumped in his lap.

“I’m glad you found someone,” he said. I debated telling him how things were. I mean, things weren’t that unhappy. Having a husband who wouldn’t emotionally connect to me or my kids wasn’t something I wanted to unload on Jared. I didn’t want him thinking I wasn’t happy. I was just not as happy as I wanted to be.

Over the next several weeks, Jared and I talked a lot. He brought out the younger Jenni; not the abused piece of trash Grey worked so hard to make me. Trying to reconcile the “me” Jared knew and the “me” I had become was difficult, but he wouldn’t or couldn’t believe I had changed that much, no matter what I told him. We talked about the last time we’d seen each other and I wanted to know why he didn’t come after me. “Because I was young and stupid,” was his reply.

“Did you ever realize why I came that day?” I questioned.

“Yeah, but by the time I finally understood I felt like such an idiot.”

“You should’ve come back. I was still in Roosevelt until Sunday,” emotion thick in my voice.

“I know that now. I’ve beaten myself up over it since.”

“Well stop it,” I commanded.

“Why is it so easy for you to forgive me? I feel like I put you directly in Grey’s path.”

“You were young. There really is nothing to forgive. And, you did not put me in Grey’s path. I made that choice. I did come to your grandma’s just before I got married, but you weren’t there. I even brought Grey with me. If you’d met him and told me not to marry him, I wouldn’t have.”

“I wish I had known,” sadness crept into his voice.

“I did see your sister and your baby niece that day so it wasn’t entirely a wash,” I tried my best to lighten the mood.

“You still live in Springville, huh?” he asked.

“Yeah. That’s what happens when you marry someone, the first time, who is from the same place. Then the second husband wants to get out of the area he’s in. I’m thinking I will never leave this area,” I chuckled at the irony.

“So, I could’ve found you whenever I wanted?” Jared wondered.

“I guess. I’m not the one who disappeared,” it came out harsher than I’d intended.

Throughout the next several weeks of talking/ texting, the years that had passed melted away, as if they never happened.

June 1994

“You can’t make me go!” I all but yelled at my mom, knowing if I did, there would be punishment. As if going to the stupid seminar was not punishment enough?

“Jennifer, you need to go. Impact helped your dad and me a lot. Besides, we have been terribly worried about you lately.” I could tell there was no room for discussion. My mom, dad and I didn’t see eye to eye on most everything. Just because I had “thought” about drinking; just because I talked about how much easier everyone’s lives would be without me, didn’t mean I was going to do anything about it. Apparently, my mom and dad thought differently.

“Why don’t you just say it? You’re scared that I might try it.” Mom didn’t say anything. I, of course, wouldn’t let it go. “Oh, come ooonn! It’s not like I would do it!” Mom didn’t comment. It seemed there was more to say, but was silent until my dad came home. At that point, they dropped the huge bomb on me. Not only was I spending an entire weekend with people I didn’t know, they were sending my younger sister along to babysit me.

“We thought it might be easier for you if she goes too,” my dad responded. I rolled my eyes at that. I was almost sixteen years old. Were they serious? I did not need a babysitter!

I was so adamant about not going, I purposely waited until the last minute to pack. “It won’t be so bad,” Mom’s eyes lit up as she smiled at me. Then she said, “Jenn, you need to hurry. Your ride will be here any minute.”

“I. Do. Not. Want. To. Go!” My jaw hurt from clenching my teeth so hard.

“I know you don’t, but you are and that’s final.” I could tell changing my mom’s mind was futile.

“Seriously? I like being alone. Is that such a crime?” I scowled.

“No, it’s not a bad thing if you hadn’t cut your friends off in the process. We think the seminar will give you the tools to see yourself the way others do. A beautiful, kind, loving young woman.” I hoped she didn’t see the eye roll at her last comment. I wasn’t any of those things, least of all, beautiful.

Just then an ugly, green van pulled up. Great! I get to spend the next several hours in a dork-mobile! Mom hugged my sister after helping her load her bags, then turned to me and almost pleaded, “Make the best of this, okay? Who knows? Maybe you’ll make some new friends.”

“I guess.” I grumbled as I got in the van. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Maybe reading about someone else’s “happily ever after” would keep me from losing my mind.

In an eighteen-month period my family moved not one but three times. When my parents decided my dad should take the Superintendent position at the golf course, we moved to Springville, Utah. I was beginning ninth grade and was looking forward to high school and by moving to Springville I would remain in Junior High, which I was totally against. I hadn’t made many friends since our move and the boy I had a crush on, Ian Westfield decided, with the assistance of some “awesome” friends, to write hurtful, nasty words in my yearbook when I asked Ian to sign it. He wrote, Jenni, I don’t want to be friends with you anymore. We don’t have anything in common, not even the friends we hang out with. He must’ve let his friends get ahold of it because there was a passage that read: No one will ever like you. How could you think Ian would like someone like you? You walk stupid and are nothing but a fat, ugly, retard. The passage wasn’t only signed by several of Ian’s clan, but his signature was the largest. No one knew about the yearbook ordeal because I hated talking about it and hoped I would forget about it. Obviously I hadn’t.

I must’ve fallen asleep because my next awareness was my sister’s boney elbow jabbing me in the ribs. “Hey, wake up sleepyhead. We’re here!” She was doing her best to make me be as excited as she was.

“Okay, okay.” Pushing her away, I glanced at my watch. It had taken us less than four hours to get to the building in Deerth, Nevada where we would spend our every waking moment for the next three days. The outside of the building was red brick, reminding me of a military armory. The first thing we did was go in and make sure we were registered and get our name tags.

When I saw the size of the room compared to how many other teens were there, I cringed. Being crammed in a conference room the size of the girls’ bathroom at school with tons of other people didn’t bode well with me. There were tables and chairs lining every wall around the burgundy carpeted room. The next thing I knew, on the “stage,” jumped an extremely nerdy looking guy. Not only was he wearing a multi-colored Hawaiian shirt with puke-green pockets filled with what looked like a hand-held notebook, pocket protectors and writing utensils, he reminded me of the nerds I had seen on TV, like Saved by the Bell or Wonder Years I watched growing up. “Marvelous,” I sighed under my breath. “How is everyone tonight? My name is Calvin Rupert, head honcho here at Teen Impact.” The goofy grin on his face made me want to run. Watching the door out of the corner of my eye, I wondered if I could make it out without getting caught. “I hope you are all here for, not only a fantastic time, but to get to know who you are!” He then directed his attention to the counselors, “Okay, counselors, go ahead and find your area (this was the place where most of the “therapy” would take place).” My group which included my sister had ten other kids ranging from twelve to fifteen. I was the oldest. Once everyone was where they needed to be, I tried sitting as far away from my group as I could possibly get but there was a boy, about 12 or 13 with brown, curly hair and the saddest, most piercing green eyes I had ever seen who kept trying to sit next to me. He looked sad and lost, so I smiled at him. I didn’t bother moving again because I had the feeling he would follow me anyhow. I received a tiny smile in return, but that was it. I was so absorbed in his sad face that I barely heard anything that was said. The only thing I heard was from our counselor, “Please, call me Evan, not Mr. Montgomery. That’s what you call my father.” The comment elicited giggles and guffaws throughout the group. When he was finished, it was our turn; the screw-ups, the goody-two-shoes, the drug addicts, the perfectionists, the suicidal and the just plain depressed. I fell into three of those categories. I was not about to divulge my deepest, darkest fears and secrets to total strangers. When the boy’s turn came, he looked afraid. The only thing he said was, “Jared,” when asked what his name was. As the rest of the group talked about themselves, I found myself watching him. What made him so sad? Why did he seem so lost? Almost like he was haunted by something. As I observed him, I thought, Boy, when he gets older, there will be a lot of broken hearts. Little did I know, I would learn firsthand of Jared’s heartbreaking abilities.

Our group was the first to finish, so we had a few free minutes to talk to each other. I didn’t want to make friends with these kids I would more than likely never see again. I got up to stretch my already numb legs.

“Hey! Where ya goin’?” I hadn’t realized Jared followed me until I turned around and bumped smack into him.

“Nowhere. Just don’t wanna be over there.” Why was he following me? It annoyed me to some extent, but not as much as it should have. Having a kid who was close to my little brother’s age who tailed my every move like a lost puppy was the start of something neither of us knew at the time.

“Yeah. Me neither,” he looked at me like he expected me to blow him off. Seeing the haunted look, I couldn’t; something or someone wouldn’t let me.

“How old are you?” I inquired.

“Thirteen. You?”

Should I tell him my real age or fib a bit? What were the chances we would see each other once the seminar was over? “I’m almost sixteen.” For some reason, that comment awarded me an almost sly grin. “Where are you from?”

“Green River, you?” he acknowledged.

“Springville. We moved there last year.”

“Hey, that’s not too far from Green River.” That made him smile. I liked his smile. It took up his whole face and made the sadness disappear. At least for a bit. His next question, which was more like a statement, surprised me. “You don’t wanna be here.”

“Is it that obvious?” I didn’t hide how I felt.

“Yeah. Kinda. Why are you here?”

“It’s a long, boring story I’m sure you don’t want to know.” I hoped he wouldn’t keep bugging me about it because I seriously didn’t want to talk about it.

“Yes, I do.” I realized, at some point, I was going to have to tell someone. Or a whole bunch of someone’s, but this was not the time.

Trying to divert his attention I blurted, “Looks like they are getting ready to end. We better get back over there before they realize we’re gone.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” As I watched Jared walk away I wondered what it was about the kid that piqued my interest. I mean, come on. He was three years younger than me. What could we possibly have in common?

Everyone gathered in a huge group once again. Jared stood next to me as Calvin spoke once more, letting us know what the next two days would be like. Everyone clapped, even Jared. Did they honestly think we would have a smashingly good time? Once released, Jared gave me a hug, tentatively at first, harder once he realized I wasn’t going to push him away. I got the feeling the kid was pushed away by a lot of people. “See ya tomorrow.” There went the grin again. What was it about him?

“UUGGHH, Shut that thing off!” I threw my pillow from my totally uncomfortable bed, at the alarm clock, three feet away from where I laid.

“It’s time to get up.” my sister, who I knew wasn’t a morning person, was too chipper. I groaned again as I cracked one eye open to see what retched time we had to be up, and cheery. Another growl escaped my lips when I noticed the big, red 7:00 glaring back at me. “Come ooonnn, Jenn, we’re gonna miss all the good stuff for breakfast if you don’t hurry!”

“Okay, okay.” I rolled out of bed and slogged slowly to the bathroom, hoping a lukewarm shower might wake me up. I should’ve known better. Why did I have to be here? At home, I would at least get to sleep in! Hurrying through my shower as fast as I could; wouldn't want to tick anybody off, I quickly dressed so we wouldn’t be late.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

“Hey guys!” Great, Calvin was in yet, another lively mood, and at 8 o'clock in the morning to boot. As he was talking, I noticed another counselor quietly talking with Jared. It looked as if she was trying to force him into staying in the conference room. Somehow, in the last fifteen hours, this boy had made a huge impression on me. Part of me wanted to see if I could help, but the other part, the one that whispered, “You don’t know him or his deal,” was the side that won. Wariness and concern furrowed my brow. I didn’t have time to ponder any of it as we were split, once again, into our respective groups.

The group Jared and I were in decided to go outside. Once all were seated on the grass, our counselor piped up, “I’d like you to tell us something no one else in the group knows about you.” How was I supposed to come up with something my little sister didn’t know? She knew everything about me, except maybe . . . No, I couldn’t bring that up. “I’ll go first, the counselor said, “Hmmm, something no one in the group knows about me. Well, I’ve been married almost ten years and have been a counselor with Teen Impact for the last two.”

When it came to Jared’s turn, he quietly stated, “I don’t wanna do this.” He said nothing more as everyone stared at him. Leaning over I whispered, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, “I just don’t wanna talk, that’s all.” The haunted look was back as he stared at the grass, picking at it mindlessly. Of course, my turn was next. Because they were going to make me talk about it eventually anyway, I muttered, “Well, my parents made me come here because they think I’m suicidal.” This elicited gasps from the other members. Then, came out the part about Ian. I hadn’t realized until that moment that I had memorized that portion of my yearbook until I told them exactly what Ian and his friends had said. I wanted so badly to hold back the tears, but couldn’t stop them as they trailed down my cheeks. The boy with the haunted eyes put a hand on my shoulder. I looked over at him and he gave me a ghost of a smile. I was too ashamed to smile back.

My sister looked at me, shocked. Then she whispered, “Why didn’t you tell me? About any of it?”

“Because, you didn’t need to worry about me. Besides, I didn’t want you to tell mom and dad about Ian.”

“I would’ve kept your secret,” she sounded hurt. The hour crawled as things were discussed in the group. We all seemed to have our own issues that brought us there. Some were from alcoholic families, some used drugs or had at the very least, tried something; others were there for depression and anxiety issues while some were due to entitlement and behavioral issues. Jared and his sister had lost their mom the year before due to a car accident and, at that moment were forced to live with the biological father neither of them knew. This came from his sister when it was her turn. I felt terrible for both of them. I might be ugly and walk retarded, but at least my parents were still alive. No wonder Jared seemed skittish around others.

I was so glad when the 20-minute break came. Sauntering over to the water fountain I took a long drink of water, wishing it was caffeine. Wait, checking in my jeans, I found a dollar bill. And there was a pop machine a few feet from where I stood. I might make it through the day yet, I thought as I took a long drink from the bottle of Pepsi that came from the machine. “So, you’re a caffeine-aholic huh?”

I jumped, not realizing someone was behind me. “Crap, you scared me! I thought I was alone.”

“Kinda figured that by the way you jumped out of your skin.” Jared actually had the audacity to laugh. “That first hour was brutal, huh?”

“Yeah. Hey, I’m sorry about your mom.”

“Thanks. It’s still really hard. There are days when I think she’ll be up making breakfast when I get up and when I realize she’s not there, how real it is slaps me in the face again.”

“Is that why you’re here?”

“My aunt brought us. I thought we were coming to visit her but she lied. She’s been through the adult version and thought this might help my sister and me with my mom’s accident and living with a stranger.”

“Wow! That’s tough. Did that make you mad? I would've been.”

“When we got here yesterday, all I wanted to do was run, but then I saw you. . . for some reason seeing the anger on your face and the lost look in your eyes made me want to get to know you. So, I decided to stay. I was surprised when we ended up in the same group. It made it easier to get to know you without looking stupid,” this was the most he’d said to anyone.

“But, why do you stay quiet in therapy, but talk to me like we are old friends?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe because we both need a friend?” Jared smiled at me. Was it just me or did he smile a lot when I was around? Then he said, “I think our 20 minutes is up. We better get back.”

“Yeah, we better go see what our next round of torture is going to be.” I didn’t know why, but having someone to talk to, who seemed to want to escape the bonds we had been shoved into for the next couple days made the seminar a little less ominous. I wondered still, why he glommed onto me.

Over the next couple of hours, we attended music therapy. We were asked to close our eyes and the counselors would play a song, then ask us what we thought or felt about the song as it pertained to our reasons for being at the seminar. UUUUgghh! What the heck kind of teen help group was this?! I wanted so badly to get up and leave, but I didn’t; something held me there. For Jared and I both, the one that impacted us the most was True Colors by Cyndi Lauper. When the song was finished and everyone opened their eyes, I noticed Jared had tears streaming down his face. “Are you okay?” My voice so soft it appeared no one else heard me. He nodded and wiped angrily at the tears he couldn’t stop.

When asked how the song made him feel, Jared answered, “Like mom is still here. My mom would want me to let my true colors show instead of being sad and angry all the time.”

“You have every reason to feel sad and angry; these are part of the grieving process and you will feel them all. It gets easier with time. You will learn to remember happy times with your mom and recall the good things about her and the wonderful memories you had with her.” At that moment, we gathered around Jared and his sister and gave them each a tight hug. The only hug Jared reciprocated was mine.

I knew I wasn’t immune to being asked how I felt, but the next song was not one I wanted to talk about. Keeper of the Stars by Tracy Byrd made me think of my end of the school year fiasco. It reminded me that I wasn’t good enough for any boy to like. Of course, that didn’t stop them from asking. “I hate this song.” was my reply.

“Why?”

“Because. . .” I started to cry, not bothering to wipe the hot tears off my cheeks. I sucked in air, hard and fast, and began to feel lightheaded. Just then, those piercing green eyes which had made a permanent home in my mind in such a short amount of time were looking into my hazel ones. “You’re going to pass out if you don’t stop breathing so fast.” Looking at Jared, I did my best to slow down. Although he was only thirteen, he seemed wise beyond his years. Once I calmed down enough to continue, I stated, “This song reminds me that no boy will ever like me. They will all always find something wrong with me because I have Cerebral Palsy and treat me differently because of it.

“Jenni , there will be many boys/men that will only look at your outer appearance and not who you truly are,” the counselor put his two cents in, “You need to realize that, no matter what others might think, you need to get to a place where you love yourself enough that what they think doesn’t matter. That actually leads me into something we want you guys to learn and repeat throughout the rest of the weekend and hopefully remember and say often after you leave here.” It’s none of my business what others think of me.

Finally, it was lunchtime, and Jared and I decided to eat outside on the very hill we spent that morning, “So, you’re having a better time here than you thought, huh?” I questioned.

“Yes. When I saw you, I saw a girl who was just as angry as I am and perhaps just as lost, but I knew you were a kind person.”

“Oh yeah, how?” I smirked.

“Your eyes. I could see it.”

“Seriously?” I stopped to take a swig of my second Pepsi of the day. I had a feeling I would ingest more than my share of caffeine during our stay. Why did it feel like I knew Jared although we barely met 24 hours ago?

“Do you really think about killing yourself?” Jared didn’t mince words.

“Yeah. I think that’s the real reason my parents sent me here. The last trimester of school, Ian’s friends made my life miserable. He stood up for me, up until I let him sign my yearbook. They called me names like “fat retard” and they never missed a moment to tell me I was not good enough for Ian. That he deserved better than someone who walked funny.”

“That’s so mean. I don’t think you’re fat or that you walk funny,” he countered.

“Thanks. You’re just a kid though.”

“I might be a kid, but I’ve lived through more heartache in the last two years than any kid should have to,” Jared retorted.

“That’s true,” I was appalled that I would say something like that, especially after all I’d learned about him. We talked for a bit about his living situation. I felt awful that he’d been ripped from the only dad he’d known and was forced to live with a virtual stranger. We sat in a comfortable silence for a bit. Suddenly, Jared grabbed my hand and held on as if his very life depended on it. His green eyes were far away from the hilltop we sat on. “Hey, where did you go?” I asked.

“What?” He was confused.

“You’re not here. At least not in your head.”

“I was just thinking about whether my mom had any part in us meeting,” he looked at the sky as if he was expecting her to be there.

“I think, on some level she does. Do you think she would’ve liked me?” I asked.

“We barely know each other, but with what you’ve told me about you; yeah, I think she would’ve.”

“What do you think we’re going to do for the rest of the afternoon?” I inquired

“I heard they’re gonna make us listen and feel some more?” was the reply. Just then the bell went off, telling us lunch was over.

More group time was spent explaining what brought us there and what we liked and disliked about people, places, things etc. Our next break couldn’t have come fast enough. I was so glad to be able to walk around and just “be” that I hoped no one heard the huge sigh that escaped my lips as we were allowed to leave. I still didn’t understand how these people who didn’t know us prior to the last 24 hours figured we were all inherently “good.” The break found me back out on the hill where Jared and I shared lunch. The sun was shining, warm on my face as I sat with my roper clad feet tucked under me. With my eyes closed, I breathed deeply, content to be alone. To be my introverted self. I didn’t know Jared followed me, quiet enough that I hadn’t heard him. I didn’t know how long he watched me before I heard, “Whatcha doin’?”

Once again, he scared the crap out of me. “Just thinking. Why do you sneak up on me instead of letting me know you’re there?”

“I don’t mean to. You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to interrupt. Are you okay?” he asked.

“Fine. Why?” I replied.

“Talking about the bad stuff isn’t easy and you cried a lot in there. I can’t understand how some guy could treat you like that.”

“I should be used to it by now,” I uttered.

“Why’s that?” he asked.

“I have brothers who think it’s fun to tease me about my Cerebral Palsy and one of them doesn’t like it when I have a crush on his friends but he’s okay with my sister having crushes on them.”

“That’s dumb. Why not?” astonishment crossed his face.

“I think he’s ashamed of me because I’m not normal,” the tears welled up in my eyes again.

“You are beautiful. What do they know?” Just then Jared’s face turned beet red as he sputtered, “I don’t know why I said that.”

Although I was blushing, it was a boost to my self-esteem to hear this boy tell me that without any pretense of getting anything out of it. “It’s okay.” The fire in my cheeks was completely undeniable. To change the subject I said, “So, is the counselor right? Are you finally gonna say more than a few sentences?”

“I don’t want to, but I know my mom would want me to be happier. Maybe I will for her. I don’t know.”

“You know you can talk to me if you don’t want to talk in group, right?” I reassured him.

“Yeah.” He was starting to get melancholy again, but I didn’t know how to stop it. I much preferred the smiles to the haunted look, so I changed the subject.

I wanted to get to know more about him. I asked him the first thing that came to mind. “What’s our favorite color?”

“Midnight blue. You?”

“I like that one, but dark purple is my all-time favorite. I like it so dark that its almost black. Why is midnight blue your favorite?

“I saw a semi in that color once and just thought it was the awesomest color I had ever seen.” His eyes were less haunted.

“That’s really cool. I’m not sure why I like dark purple or even when I started liking it. What grade are you going to be in?”

“Seventh. You’ll be in tenth right?”

“Yeah. Finally, in high school.”

“Are you excited?”

“Not anymore, but I used to be.” Sadness filled my throat to the point I thought I would choke on it. With the pretense of checking the time, I looked at my watch, careful to make sure Jared couldn’t see my eyes. “We better go.” I hoped he couldn’t hear the sadness.

As promised, the counselor immediately jumped to Jared as we all trickled back into our groups. “As I said before the break, Jared is the only one we haven’t heard from about his likes and dislikes.” Turning to Jared, he said, “Are you ready?” He was more gentle than he sounded at first.

“I guess.” Jared’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“So, what are some things you like?”

“Well. . .” Watching him, I could tell he was biding his time. Maybe in hopes of not having to answer? He was sitting next to me; something I had become accustomed to over the last day and a half. I reached over and patted his hand. At that moment, he clung to my hand so hard it almost hurt.

“You’re going to be fine.” I whispered words of encouragement, hoping it would help. “I did it and so can you.”

“I don’t wanna do this,” he whispered back.

“It’s not so bad once you start talking,” I assured him.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Even talking about my thoughts and what happened with Ian wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be even though I cried. “You might cry, but so what? Who cares? It just goes to show you have feelings.”

“Don’t let me stumble,” he pleaded.

“I won’t,” I smiled. Maybe my problems aren’t the only reason I’m here, I thought as I watched the intent look on Jared’s face. Maybe I was here for this kid who seemed utterly lost and lonely. Maybe Heavenly Father brought us together to be there for each other.

“Ummm, some of my likes? Let’s see. . . I like hunting and fishing and going to my grandpa’s shop with him.” Jared’s voice shook as he talked.

“What kind of shop does your grandpa have?” one of the other kids asked.

“It’s an appliance repair shop. You know, ones where washers, dryers, and stuff like that are fixed. I also like that we go to breakfast every morning before going to the shop. Me and grandpa go up on the catwalk near his house and make the semis honk.” A brief smile touched Jared’s lips, almost to his eyes. “Ummm. . . I like going with my dad on the weekends. . .”

“Those are some great things to make memories with,” the counselor said. “What are some of your dislikes then?”

At that moment, the darkness was back. “I hate Curtis. I don’t even know him. He had nothing to do with me until my mom died. Then I was forced to move in with him just because my dad hadn’t adopted us yet. I hate my step-brother because he thinks he’s better than me. Always being a goody two-shoes. And Curtis treats his step kids better than us real ones. It’s not fair. But, worst of all, I hate talking about my mom.”

“That is a pretty hard thing to do,” one of the other kids acknowledged. “Don’t you think your mom would want you to talk about her? To remember her?”

“I guess.” The tears started falling at that point. Jared bowed his curly brown head, hoping that no one saw the tears. It was difficult enough for him to let me see them. I was surprised that he’d opened up as much as he had. I left my hand in his and let him decide whether to let go or not. He didn’t for a long time.

We ended the day gathered in the big group so Calvin could fill us in on what to expect the next day; the last day. “So, tomorrow morning, we will meet here at 8:00 am and board buses out to the summit where an obstacle course has been set up. It’s not an easy one and some of you may not want to take part, but we ask everyone to at least try each obstacle. Your group mates will be there to cheer you on. I will explain more once we get to the summit tomorrow. Now, go have some fun for the rest of the night.”

To say I was glad when the day was over was an understatement. The only thing that bothered me was leaving those haunting eyes as we went to the motel. I knew I would see Jared the next day, but that didn’t mean I liked it. I was anxious about the obstacle course I would have to face the next day too. I thought writing in my journal about how I felt about it might help like it usually did when I needed to talk or vent, so that’s how I spent my night; writing about how I hated being here, but Jared being my silver-lining and how frightened I was of the course we were doing the next day. After writing, I read until my eyes drooped and I missed paragraphs, then I prayed that the anxiety and fear I was feeling would dissipate so I could get enough sleep for whatever the next day held; I also prayed for my new friend and his sister, that they would be comforted in all they had endured and all they still had to. Thinking about Jared made me smile. I still couldn’t figure out why Heavenly Father had put him in my path.

“GGGAAAHHH.” I moaned the next morning as the alarm sounded. “I’m not going.” I didn’t want my sister or anyone else for that matter to know that even the thought of the zip line scared the living daylights out of me.

“You have to,” my sister declared.

“No, I don’t,” I replied indignantly.

“If you don’t go, you won’t graduate,” she reminded me.

“Big deal,” I scoffed, covering my head with the pillow.

“You know mom and dad won’t like it if you skip the best part.” My parents told us about all the “cool” stuff they did when they attended Impact, so doing the obstacle course didn’t come as a surprise, but it was still scary.

“They won’t know unless someone tells them,” I replied. I finally gave in and decided to shower after the grueling day ahead. I was THAT sure we would be sweaty and dirty by the end of this so-called exhilarating course we were about to embark on.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

Eight o’clock on the dot, we were standing in the conference center with our respective groups. I had opted for a ponytail threaded through a baseball cap rather than trying to make my unruly hair behave, but did don make-up. I would have to be seriously ill to go into public without it. “Hey,” I said when I saw Jared. I wasn’t sure why but even in fear, I smiled at him.

As Calvin filled us in on the rest of our day, Jared grabbed my hand and hung on for dear life like he had a few times the day before. Was he as scared as I was at the thought of a zipline? I gave his hand a squeeze, partially to reassure him, but also to reassure myself. “Okay, we have quite a ways to go to get to the obstacle course,” Calvinv said.

When we arrived at the place where we were putting our lives into people’s hands we barely knew, everyone piled off the buses and gawked at our next feat. From where I stood I could see tires; okay, not too hard, I thought. There looming in the distance, among the trees were two of the scariest things I had ever laid eyes on. At least for me anyway. There was a rock wall that looked seriously high and the ziplines. I had done a good job at keeping my fear at bay while on the ride there, but seeing it made it skyrocket. “Are you still afraid?” I asked Jared, doing my best to keep my voice from quivering.

“Yeah. I hate heights.”

“Me too.”

“We’ll be okay.” I wanted to believe him, but I wasn’t sure I would be. What I didn’t know was how I was going to do most of it with only my left hand as the one that worked. What if I got up there and slipped? I was pretty sure there were safety precautions in place, but that didn’t do anything for my trust issues.

“Okay.” Calvin hollered. “Everyone is going through in your groups. So make sure you are all together before moving onto the next obstacle. I hope everyone brought sunscreen because it’s supposed to be a scorcher today and, although we are in the shade it’s still going to be hot. We will meet here for lunch at noon. Everyone ready?” This time there were cheers all through the group. I watched my sister and other kids and no one seemed scared. Not like I was. Why is it that my sister doesn’t scare easily?

There were nine stations. The scariest ones for me were the rock wall and zipline. Even watching others, like Jared and my sister accomplishing it did nothing to squelch the nausea as it coiled in my belly.

I thought, for sure, that day would never end! Boy, was I grateful when we were told it was time to get on the bus… all the way back to the building, Jared sat next to me, holding my hand and talking my ear off. In the time I had known the kid he hadn’t talked so much. But, all the way back to the center, he yammered on about stuff that I knew nothing about. It didn’t bother me though because at least he was talking to me, which couldn’t be said for the majority of the teenagers.

Since this was our last day of Teen Impact, later that evening there would be a ‘graduation’ for us. We still had a few group sessions to go through; not sure what those were about, but we were all excited to have a party. We were teenagers, after all. Once we returned to the center, we were given a couple of hours to get cleaned up and rest. Oh, a nap never sounded so good to me. I was exhausted, It hadn’t helped that it was hot…I mean, really hot. It didn’t take me long to shower and put on clean clothes. I laid down on the bed. I must have fallen asleep because my next awareness was my sister shaking my shoulder. “Jennifer, it’s time to go.”

“Wait…what? I just laid down,” was my reply.

“No. You’ve been asleep for about an hour. We need to get out of here if we are going to get to the center in time to finish up sessions so we can get ready for graduation.” I didn’t grumble as I had done before as we waited for our ride. I was elated, in fact, because Jared would be there. He saved me that day and I felt the need to thank him for it. Besides that, we had become so close in such a short amount of time, I had a feeling that we would be friends forever.

When we arrived at the center, most of the other kids were already there, including Jared. He must have sensed my presence because we made instant eye contact even before I was in the room. “Hey,” I said, once I was close enough for him to hear me. There was a lot of chatter in that room stuffed full of preteenagers and teenagers that, when we weren’t in our specified groups it got fairly loud. I noticed that he cleaned up quite nicely; looking dashing in his denim wranglers and midnight blue t-shirt, his favorite color. His hair was still a little wet so his curls were tight, but, for the first time in the three days we had spent together he smiled, from his eyes. “How are you?”

“Tired, but it hasn’t been a bad day, has it?”

“Nope. Not really, except…”

“You need to let that go. Those kids will probably be bullies the rest of their lives.”This kid was only thirteen-years-old, but he was wise beyond his years.

“If there’s only one thing you learn about me it’s that letting things go is not my strong suit, especially when my ‘not enoughness’ follows.” I replied.

“Yeah. Feeling like you’re not enough, sucks. I know how that goes.”

As was our habit now, Jared sat by me once we were all released to our group leaders. We had a few more things to do before we were able to decorate the conference room, waiting for our families to get there. The one last thing we accomplished that stuck with both Jared and I were our ‘I Am’ statements. These were positive statements that we wrote about ourselves on large pieces of paper that we hung around the room so that those who came to our graduation could see them.

Mine read:

I am an amazing, beautiful, honest, trustworthy young woman.

Even writing that where I had to look at it was difficult, but Jared wouldn’t allow me to downplay myself, no matter what. It was easier to buoy him up than it was to believe in my own. His was spot on:

I am an honest, trustworthy, forgiving young man.

I knew that he struggled with forgiving his mom for dying. I knew that he struggled with the fact that he was no longer allowed to live with the only father he had ever known. I knew that he struggled with self-esteem, although he stood up for those that needed it. We never really talked about school, except for the one thing that had pushed me so far toward hating myself that it scared my parents enough to send me here.

Once we were finished with our statements and back in the big group, we had to yell them as loudly as we could; to put it out to the universe, Calvin said. He believed by doing that, we wouldn’t forget it.

The rest of the night was fun, in a weird way. We decorated the room with balloons, streamers, and our statements and when family and friends arrived, the group had to stand in a circle, with our eyes closed, holding hands with the kid that was on either side of us. I cried when I saw my mom. I had learned so much that weekend and had met some incredible friends. I knew I would have to work at it in order for me to sustain what I had learned, but that night, it felt like anything was possible.

I couldn’t wait for them to meet Jared. As soon as Calvin freed us to mingle, I promptly made introductions. I got to meet part of Jared’s family as well even though he seemed reluctant. It didn’t take long for us to abandon the adults. I wasn’t much of a dancer, but when Jared asked me to dance to Keeper of the Stars by Tracy Byrd, I couldn’t refuse. After the song was over, we escaped out to my mom and dad’s car where my luggage, including my journal had been stored. “You’ll write to me, right?” I sarcastically asked Jared as I ripped a sheet of paper out and wrote my address on it for him.

He was not impressed with my sarcasm. Something he hadn’t picked up yet was that, when a conversation or even impending doom (and, believe me, at fifteen, not knowing when I would get to see my friend again was worse than that) appeared, it was my family’s custom to ‘crack a funny.’ Being sarcastic helped. “What do you think?” he was completely serious.

“I had to ask. Do you think we’ll stay friends?” I was tearful.

“I hope so,” his eyes misted over.

“Me too.

Before long, it was time to leave. I couldn’t stem the tears as I hugged Jared; the fear that I would never see him again, all that much more tangible. He surprised me though when he kissed me…on the lips…right in front of my parents! It didn’t dawn on me that they might object, but they didn’t. We hugged again and he slipped a piece of paper into my hand. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I turned and walked away.

May 1998... four years later

Although Jared and I had kept in touch through many letters and a phone call or two, it took me four years to make enough money to buy a reliable car, a red 1994 Suzuki Swift. so, the first trip I ever took being a licensed driver was to Roosevelt to see my friend. I had just broken up with RJ, my boyfriend of two years and I was not handling his “Let’s date other people” scenario very well. So I decided a trip, far away from where I would have to see RJ with other girls was in order. My friends, Lindley and Meghan, went with me; that was the only way my parents would allow me to drive that far even though I was in college.

I called Jared before I left, just so he would know when to expect us. We had talked more and more on the phone thanks to my ability to buy a calling card. The trick was to know when he would be at his grandparents’ house. He knew I was coming so I wasn’t concerned about where he’d be.

“I’ll be glad to finally meet the guy that you haven’t shut up about since we were fifteen,” Lindley teased.

“Hey, we’re just friends,” I claimed in my defense.

“Yeah, but you’re not ‘taken’ anymore either,” Meghan had to put her two cents in.

“I thought we said the boyfriend, and I use that term lightly, is off-limits,” I said.

“No, you said RJ was off- limits, not us teasing you about Jared,”Lindley snickered. I knew that they were only giving me a hard time, but the fact that RJ dumped me on my face without any warning still hurt. Bad.

“I did, so would you two quit it?” I took a stab at being funny, but it just came across that much more pissed off.

They changed the subject, bombarding me with questions about Jared, although they knew everything I did about him. It was easy answering questions. The more I thought about the trip as we went, the more I pondered the idea that I wasn’t only going down there to see him. Would I stop it if something were to happen between us? It wasn’t like I was beholden to RJ. It would be nice to see if Jared’s feelings were as deep as they appeared on paper and through his voice when we talked on the phone. But, what if they weren’t? What if he saw me in person, and decided I wasn’t worth the trouble. I mean, I wasn’t enough for RJ, apparently. What made me think that Jared would feel any different? I berated myself even more for falling into the negative thinking patterns that I fought so hard to deny.

We stopped to ‘freshen up,’ grab a drink and call Jared to get directions to his grandparents’ house since I had never been to Roosevelt. I was nervous, almost to the point of scared about seeing Jared, but would he still believe I was beautiful? That was a need I possessed. Even though I didn’t see myself that way, I needed Jared to—if only as my best friend. I had to be beautiful to someone—someone that wasn’t my parents.

When we pulled into the driveway, the girls and I were listening to our ‘jam;’ they wanted to finish the song we were on, singing at the top of our lungs. It must have taken too long for Jared because the next thing I knew, there was a tap, tap, tap on the driver side window. Now, mind you, I knew what Jared looked like, but to see him dirty from working in his grandparents’ yard? Now, that made my mouth dry. I turned off the car and stepped out, but for the life of me could not, absolutely could not put words together to make a coherent sentence. Jared was the first to speak. Apparently, his tongue wasn’t as tied as mine was.

“Hey, beautiful!” Oh, the way he said that...talk about making a girl swoon.

“Hey. How are you?” I didn’t know what else to say. I felt slightly awkward. He knew I had a boyfriend, well the relationship was on hold anyway, so he was a complete gentleman.

“I’m great! I still can’t believe you’re actually here, standing right in front of me,” he said.

“I know. I honestly thought we were never going to get together; that we would both be married and have kids before anything like that happened.”

By now, Lindley and Meghan had finished the song and came over. “Oh, my heck!” Meghan’s mouth gaped open; she was a sucker for cowboys too. She put her hand up to whisper something to me that was for my ears only. “You didn’t say he even looks good dirty,” she hissed. “I didn’t know.” I hissed back.

I cleared my throat. “Jared, these are my girls, Lindley and Meghan. Guys, this is Jared.” He shook both their hands, but they wouldn’t stand for that.

Lindley hugged him first, “I feel like we are already friends. Jenni talks about you all the time, especially lately.” Then Meghan followed suit.

“I knew when Lindley let out that nice, little tidbit of information that Jared wasn’t going to let that drop without teasing me about it. “You talk about me?”

“You already knew that.” I quipped.

“Well, yeah, but all the time?” he grinned, and my knees wobbled.

I knew I wasn’t going to win that one, not since my friends sided with him on the matter. “Okay, yes.” I pretended to be totally perturbed, but knew he could see right through it.

“I knew it, ” Jared laughed. “You gals want a drink?”

“We have new leaded Pepsi in the car.” I couldn’t stop eyeing him, even covered in dirt. If anything, that made him sexier.

“Leaded Pepsi?” he looked confused.

“Yeah, anything that is caffeinated is called ‘leaded,’”I clarified.

“Gotcha. Well, why don’t you ladies grab your drinks and come sit on the steps for a bit. I can’t chat for long because I need to get this yard done, but we can take a break.”

It surprised me that he sidled up right next to me. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought he ‘liked’ me. We talked for ten more minutes before he needed to get back to work. “I’ll call you when I’m done and we can meet up then. Okay?” When he hugged me, he whispered, “RJ is some kind of damn fool. He really believes there’s someone better than you?”

My cheeks turned a flaming red, which on most people, would have been easy to spot, but because it was hot and my face was burnt, it didn’t show, thank goodness. If it had, not only would Jared torment me with it, but my friends would as well. It felt like forever by the time he called. We decided to go get him and let him show us around, Roosevelt. When we arrived at his house, he must have seen us coming because he was out the door. I thought he looked good, covered in dirt? Cleaned up and shaved, made my mouth water. “You look gorgeous,” he observed when he got in the passenger side of the car. I had showered, put on a clean pair of black wranglers and my lavender, sleeveless shirt and redid my makeup.

I still had a difficult time receiving compliments, but I said, “Thank you. You clean up pretty good yourself.” He was dressed in his usual, denim wranglers, and a white t-shirt under a denim button-up with the sleeves rolled up. And, he wore Preferred Stock cologne. His hair was wet and he had begun growing a goatee. Damn! He was hot! Not that he couldn’t tell that I felt that way by the way my eyes smoldered. I finally asked, “Okay. Where should we go?”

“I feel like swings are in order. This is the perfect time of night to hang out in the park because it’s no longer too hot.” We arrived at the park in a matter of minutes. Somewhere along the way, Lindley and Meghan decided that they would go a different direction around the park. To give us some privacy, maybe? Jared promptly found the swings and insisted on pushing me for a while. It was fun, acting like a kid. It almost made me forget what awaited me back home. After several minutes, we sat side by side, holding hands. Jared even stole a kiss or two as we talked. The one thing he wanted to know, more than anything is why RJ and I had broken up. He knew how I felt about RJ and couldn’t understand how a guy could spend that many years with a girl and only then decide he wasn’t sure she was what he wanted. “I take it you and RJ aren’t back together?” he questioned. He already knew the answer.

“Nope. And, to be honest, I don’t know what’s going to happen with that, especially now.”

“I just don’t get it. You are the most beautiful woman I know. Your smile and laughter has always lit up a room and you make people feel better just by what you say and do.”

“Jared, he’s young.”

“He’s older than I am and I see what’s in front of me. If you were mine, I would never let you go.” He was pretty serious in that comment and I didn’t have to wonder. We spent the rest of the evening, holding hands, kissing and talking. Eventually, we had to take him home but not before making plans for the next day to go to what we would later deem “our waterfall.” He wanted to do some fishing and just spend as much time with me as he could.

The next day was more magical than the night before. As it turned out, we didn’t get much fishing done but the waterfall was gorgeous! We spent the day, being together in what I thought, would turn into more than friends.

Leaving him that night was more difficult than either of us thought but we promised we’d get together again; sooner than later.

It took me two months and my younger sister’s wedding to send me back down there. Unfortunately, I’d forgotten the fishing trip he’d been planning for that weekend. At the time, I thought I’d made my intentions clear... that I was there to find a place to stay, get the process started for college which would start in September and (I wasn’t interested in staying in Springville any longer), after securing that, move down to Roosevelt. I was heartbroken when he went anyway. He didn’t know I would’ve gone with him had he asked and it hadn’t dawned on him to ask. I stayed the weekend, hoping he’d come back but he didn’t.

Fast forward twenty years...

April 2020

Jared and I are better friends now than we ever could have been without the trials we’ve both endured. Our connection was and is so deep that I never had to forgive him for leaving that day. He was a kid. And, now, we reminisce about the good and the bad times in both our lives. He is becoming a better man as each day progresses, making his mama and grandparents proud as they watch over him from Heaven.