I have always wondered, especially recently, about who I am; about my identity. I can tell you what I know so far: I am human, I am a woman, I am British. This is the extent of the knowledge of myself, and I am constantly asked who are you? Maybe not in those words, but dating makes you think into the deepest depths of your personality and decide what you wish to put out into the world. There are too many questions swirling around my head and, although twenty-seven years young, I have not the answers to give yet.
I can give you my physical traits: short, curvy, natural brunette but I have dyed the front two sections vivid colours (right is pink, left is purple), hazel eyes, Caucasian, tattooed. When I look in the mirror, I see my paternal Nan's families nose (thankfully), I see my mums face shape. I know I have a different eye shape than all three of my siblings. I have these supposedly adorable deep dimples on each cheek that were always pointed out when I was a child. I have a wrinkle in the centre of my forehead that I've had forever that I used to be embarrassed about. In the summer, I have an outbreak of freckles across my nose and under my eyes.
The parts of my personality I am aware of, are a mixture from my parents. My dad is the most laid-back person I have met and my mum is the always stressed; I am somewhere in-between. I don't usually get stress or anxiety over what is not in my control, but I do get anxiety over what I can. I could have three attacks a day on a bad day. I have attempted to end my own life before now, does that make me an entirely anxious and depressed person?
My love and appreciation of music comes from my dad, definitely. My taste, however? I developed that myself. I grew up listening to Motown and more pop stuff, which was cool, but I really came into my own when I discovered Metal, Rock and their subgenres. Does that make me a rock chick? A metal-head?
I was asked recently if I identify as straight; I couldn't give a yes or no answer because I don't know definitively. I have never cared much for labels. Growing up, I couldn't care less if you were gay, bisexual, asexual etc. and it was never a question that entered my mind to ask somebody. I have always been primarily attracted to men, but there are women I am or have been drawn towards. Does this make me bisexual, even though I have only been with men?
I've been dealing with certain health issues throughout life. Some are ongoing, while some are relatively new. Some are going to effect me for the rest of my life, but some may come and go as they please. Does having certain chronic illnesses make me disabled?
When I ask myself, who am I, the answer never seems to appear in my mind.
When you would see me, I suppose you would assume I was emo or goth because of my hair and tattoos and when I choose clothes, I tend to go for the darker colours. However, I have plenty of colourful clothing and wear them happily. I don't claim to fit in with a specific category, but I can lean a certain way depending on my mood that day.
Personality-wise, I suppose I am harder to categorise. I could be labelled as a disabled rock/metal chick with mental instabilities, but I was once told my a mental health professional I didn't sound depressed because I am too “happy and bubbly sounding” and my disability isn't visible to others, and therefore considered a non-disability. I also listen to pop and country music, so the metal and rock communities don't believe me to be with them.
To summarise, I don't know who I am, twenty-seven years is not enough to find out. I don't think I ever will, in all honesty. It is a topic I will always internally grapple with.