BELIEF

“There is a pleasure in the pathless woods: there is a rapture on the lonely shore: There is society, where none intrudes. By the deep sea, and music in its roar: I love not man less, but Nature more...”

– Lord Bryon

Here I am. I am the only one. No voices, no engines, no chaos. The air so thick with silence, I can hear my heartbeat, but not my breath. I am alive. The rays of the sun seep into my naked skin, a warm blanket of energy washes over my body. I can feel. Up and down, up and down, my chest rises to take in the air around me, and falls again to expel. Trees dance gracefully to the gentle winds, a peripheral to the beauty of the hilltops amidst the skyline before me. I can see. Closing my eyes, I take this moment to leave my body and allow my spirit to soar. In this moment, I am all I need. In this moment, I am free. How did I get here? What choices have I made to find myself in this moment of peace? How am I lost in this world, but feel so found where I am? I don’t know where I am, but I do. I know that if I continue along this path, that I will end and begin again somewhere. Though my choices may not always be best for me, it is only through that simple turn will I learn what it is to know which direction is wrong, and which other ways could be right. The experiences will be infinite, as are the directions and outcomes of which they lead, but it is up to me to see the opportunities to grow, and to be me enough to know what right, feels right, and do so.

Perspective.

I sit in my chair bewildered at what has just adjourned. My heart won’t move. My throat is closing in, my eyes are burning with a fire from a heart that has just been crushed by the weight of broken faith. Memories rush behind my eyes, falling one by one to the ground from my solemn-stricken face. Dreams of what our future holds will remain dreams, and nothing more. Whatever is to become of either of us will have nothing ever to do with each other. Once again, I find myself alone, with only myself to blame. If only to let go of my fears, to embrace the truth and not question it, to fully trust that I deserve love, and that it takes time without haste - where are my eyes? Everything I could ask for is right in front of me, but to find the right way to it has begotten me for the moment, and I have allowed my lust to take over. Subdued to my desires, I fall in, while he falls out.

He cannot see himself loving me; he never has and never will. These are his words.

Why?

I know the answer before I can even ask myself the question. This knowledge is yet to escape my subconscious since the beginning of this ongoing rollercoaster, inadvertently leading me to this present moment of self-inflicted solitude. Going against my instinct is not something I often do, but I leave it to fate’s privy as to why I have taken this chance above all others. Where I am now is the state I find him in six months prior. In need of afriend, in need of someone to feel safe with, a person to trust. The healer. Alas, my heart is on the line in use for mending his heart back tog ether. This seems to be my role, as love tends to be given more often by me than is bestowed upon me.

“Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.”

― Jon Krakauer

Why I do not believe in myself is the real question.

I have every tool, material, and creativity to make what I am passionate about work for me. Why don’t I? Living a life worth sharing- profoundness in every experience – that is the life I see for myself. Seeing it happen for someone else only makes me want it more, wonder why I haven’t reached that point yet, and act out my insecurities by saying, and not doing. Constant comparison intoxicating my aspiration toward what I want in the direction of someone else’s dream. In every person around me lies a fire that has been lit, and is burning high enough to be seen. The fire inside of me is something big; I know it, and is awaiting ignition from a higher power that will find me when I have found myself.

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.”

― Lady Gaga

Fear.

He is not the only person who will ever love me. He is not the only good man left in this world. I am not happy, nor am I growing as a person. He does not bring out he best in me anymore. He no longer gets me. I will love him forever, but am no longer in love with him. How do I say this to him, though, without it hurting? There is no way. How do I make him understand that what I am doing is best for both? I cannot. I am trying to find a way to make this easy for us both, but am coming up short. There is nothing left but to leave a broken heart behind, and to set us both free from the misery of hanging onto something that looks good from afar, feels good up close, but is slowly fading into the distance with every step in the opposite direction. Five years have been spent, five years have past; we are both very different people now. There are things about him that will set the bar for what I feel I deserve, both good and bad, but no longer will his business be mine, nor mine his. We cannot agree anymore, nor do we listen to each other. It has been too long now, to give up like this, he says. But we have given up long ago. It seems this is the only way that feels right. He even helps me pack my car. This time, he is done fighting fate. He knows, I know - it won’t be. Tears strike us hard as the day is upon us, we are standing outside in the morning sun, the last time we will see each other as the people we are in this moment. There is nothing left to say. Nothing to make it better or worse – it is what it is - the beginning to an end. I hug my new friend hard, my tears absorbing into a shirt that I will never touch or smell again. His tears trickle into my scalp as he rests his weathered cheek upon my head, hugging me close, one last time. Gravity holds my feet heavily to the ground as I savor the last of this love to my memory, a countdown to the end. Years of our youth flash before my eyes in this last embrace, a timeline of who I have now become from this experience. By getting lost, I have found the light of where to find myself again, and must follow it. I must go now. I must say goodbye. I embrace his face and kiss it with the last bit of nostalgic romance I have and depart. The walk to my car door, an eternity, is a journey in itself. I close the door. I take a breath.

Here I am. I am doing this. I turn the ignition. Here I go. I change the gear and press into the gas pedal. I am going. At the very instant my tires hit the asphalt, a message reads across my phone.

“I love you,” my sister types.

Peace takes over my fluttering heart as these words resonate within my soul. This is right. I know it. This scares me, this road. I am not used to being alone. There are so many possibilities with so little guarantees. How will I know which opportunities are worth taking? How will I know if they are worth my time? I take a moment to silence my wandering mind. I do not know. There are many things I do not know. But I will not learn without experience. I will not know the feeling without feeling it first. I will not know what true love looks like until I have seen it. I will not be alive unless I am living.

Ode to the Unknown.

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.”

― Jon Krakauer

I run in circles, trying to find myself, thinking that the self is something that exists, when really I am just another symptom of the universe. Letting go of self-consciousness to allow my mind to grow is not easy, but is capable of being done. To care too much beyond what it is my own wake is doing to others is moot, for the will of others has nothing to do with me. It is all a response to the external world and by how it is chosen to be seen. Let my wake be something to be remembered by, something that makes a difference in the lives of those I have touched. If someone is able to love because I give it, then I will continue to love. If someone is able to find their self because I am here, then I will be here for them. So long as I am able to feel, see, love and be, then I shall continue to do so for as long as I am given, spreading a positive wake in my path with reverence in my afflictions. By believing in myself, I will believe in others.

“When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God’s light shines upon you.” ― Jon Krakauer