Before The Sun Sets

A beautiful beach, painted a golden yellow. The rhythmic sound of waves in her ears. Just like the day he proposed to her; or perhaps her memory had made it more perfect than reality. Maybe if she tried hard enough, she could pretend this was real. She could see but not feel the sand under her feet, and the weight of several devices sat on her head.

Eva stood still with her hands clasped together, aware that any movement might break this illusion that she was in. Her heart fluttered like a young girl in love, in both anticipation and trepidation of what was about to happen.

She turned around and he was walking towards her, wearing his favourite waistcoat. The one that she had given him, the one that she still kept in their closet. He smiled at her, and she remembered the tenderness it held. Her eyes grew moist, and she blinked the tears back quickly.

“Are you real?” Her own voice sounded strange and distant. It was a redundant question, but she had to ask. Jack reached out to caress her face. She could almost feel the warmth of his hand, but it was only the ghost of a memory, and nothing more.

“I’m real here, in this place. You know that much.” It was so good to hear his voice again.

“Maybe I had hoped for something more,” Eva said. “How have you been?” Those simple words implied that he had just been somewhere else all this time, when in fact he had just been... gone.

“Me? The same as ever. Tall, dark, and handsome,” he replied. The same old answer brought some comfort. She could never understand where his confidence came from. She used to think it was the most charming thing in the world, but somewhere along the way, it became an annoyance. Now, it only held nostalgia. She wanted to gaze at his features a little longer, knowing that this was the last time she would ever speak to him. But his eyes did not, could not hold her reflection. She blinked and looked away.

“I’m actually here to ask you something,” she took out a small notebook with a black cover. Half of its pages were filled with Jack’s handwriting. He was always full of ideas, and kept a notebook at hand to jot them down. His most prized possession, he called it. It was always a small black notebook, and whenever its pages were filled, he would start on a new one.

This particular notebook had been handed to her at the hospital, together with a few other of his belongings that had been salvaged from the accident. The contents of the notebook confirmed what she had suspected for some time. In between to-do lists and notes related to his work, there were paragraphs of Jack describing his relationship with a woman.

Liz insists that I should accompany her to shop. She tries on several different dresses, and tells me to comment on them. I ask if she really wants me to be brutally honest. She pouts and walks away. I laugh and tell her that I was joking. Still, she refuses to speak to me after. I shall love seeing the delight on her face when she finds out that I am buying one of the dresses for her.

I tuck Liz into bed, and kiss her. She asks if I can tell her a bedtime story. I say that she is too old for it, but I do it anyway.

The sunlight glints in Liz’s hair. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She is so precious to me, and I will do anything to protect her.

Eva flipped to the page that she had bookmarked.

*I have finally managed to put away $20,000 for Liz. Eva won’t be happy about it if she finds out, but it’s for the best.*

She looked up at Jack. “I suppose there really isn’t a reason for you to hide it anymore. I was right that you were cheating on me.” Those nights when he said that he would be working late. Those flowers he had bought her for seemingly no reason. She had begged him to be honest if he had done any wrong to her, but he denied it again and again. Back then she was anxious and frustrated, but now she felt strangely calm. The past felt like needlessly petty issues and squabbles.

"Who is Liz, and what's this about twenty thousand dollars?" she asked. She wasn't sure if he would have an answer, but it was worth a try. The researchers of the study had warned her that this image of Jack would be based on her memories and subconscious, and he wouldn't know anything that she didn't.

"You and me both knew Liz. You just never knew her name." A pause. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to be reminded of our loss. Liz... Liz is our daughter."

Eva reeled back in shock. The daughter she had miscarried a year ago. They had never given her a name.

Jack pointed to the notebook. "Consider those foolish hopes of a father. I named her Liz even though we did not settle on a name yet. I would have changed it if you wanted another name."

"The money, it was originally meant for Liz' future. We've never been great with finances, but I wanted to change for her sake. It was to be a surprise for you too, but after we lost her, I didn't have the heart to bring it up. Perhaps I was also hopeful for another child."

Eva's hands trembled. She wasn't sure if her memory of Jack could lie. "What about the late nights? The flowers and gifts you've been giving me?"

Jack ran a hand through his hair. "Well, I.. you were so upset after the miscarriage. You never seemed happy to see me, and I was constantly in your way. We'd quarrel whenever I came home, so I started to stay late at work. I sent the flowers and gifts because I felt guilty for that. I was only trying to make you happy."

Eva shook her head. "I'm not sure I can believe it."

Jack placed his hand on top of hers. It was strange to see it but not feel anything. "The $20,000 is in the bank's safety deposit box. The key is in the coin box on my desk. The code is-"

"-my birthday." Eva finished. "How do I know all this?" she asked herself aloud. She did not remember Jack ever mentioning a safety deposit box.

"You've always known, subconsciously. You've just never acknowledged it," Jack said. Eva stayed silent after that, staring at the waves. The sun was low over the horizon, setting the sea ablaze in orange. It was beautiful, but it was a shame that moments like these were fleeting.

"I hope that he will give you happiness, Eva." Did Jack actually know it all along, that she was the one who was unfaithful? That she desperately wanted him to be guilty, so that she would not be the one to end their relationship? She would never know.

The last rays of the sun disappeared, leaving a blanket of calm over the sea. "I wish we had both been more honest with each other," she said to Jack.

"I love you, Eva."

"I love you, too. I'm sorry."

• • •

His car was waiting for her when she left the building. "How did it go?" he asked, squeezing her arm comfortingly.

"I've decided to keep the baby," she answered, caressing the swell of her abdomen. "Her name is Liz." When the child was born, she would read to her paragraphs from her biological father's little black notebook, about how he wanted to tell her bedtime stories, to buy dresses for her, and how he left her a legacy for her future.