baby

saturday night. 8:45pm.

she puts down the brush that she used to brush her hair. she sucks on her index finger and coats it in purple glitter before delicately dabbing it onto her eyelid. she licks her lips. the tip of her tongue moves over her teeth. she bites her bottom lip in concentration.

she is... perfect

this is not a new realisation. she has always been perfect. i know this because i know her.

we're getting ready together the way we always do. the way we've always done. nothing special, another high school party, it will be the same as all of the others ones; a cocophany of jeering and shouting, laughing and flirting and screams as someone inevitably dives into the pool fully clothed. lipstick smiles descending into lipstick stains on necks and talking descending into kissing descending into sex. the latter has become a feature only in the last year or so. we are seniors now.

we are getting ready together the way we always do. we have always been best friends and i have always, always loved her.

i know her. better than most eighteen-year-olds know a person. inside and out.

she puts on lipstick; red.

we laugh and joke like we always do. after all this time i am used to laughing and joking while simulataneously watching her. admiring her.

she tells me that the shade of lipstick is called 'hooker'. i laugh.

she picks up a makeup brush and dusts powder onto her cheeks

down her neck

onto her collarbones

my breath catches in my throat. just for a second.

i look away.

we laugh and joke like we always do. she asks me how she looks. she looks unspeakably beautiful. i smile. i tell her she looks great.

she wears her hair down, loose around her shoulders. naturally blonde. parted through the middle.

i have never quite been able to understand how we are the way we are. she is my best friend, i am hers. we laugh and joke the way we always do and we tell each other everything. almost everything.

there is always one thing

i never say it

she fastens a gold necklace around her neck.

we talk about the party.

friends. school. relationships. friendships. break-ups. fall-outs.

she stands back and examines herself in the mirror. i turn around and look at the posters on her wall.

i keep it all to myself. we're friends. we have always been friends. since fourth grade: friends. best friends.

we joke. we talk. we laugh. yet she distracts me.

i watch her watch herself in the mirror. perfecting her look. as if she needs it.

her dress hugs her body.

we joke. we talk. we laugh.

her glitter-touched eyes catch mine and her mouth breaks into a smile.

that smile.

that smile becomes a laugh. her laugh. she walks towards me. she prods my ribs. the same way she always does.

and then... her voice

"did you just call me baby"

i stop

did i just call her baby

i reply

'maybe..'

stupid

her eyes still glisten with the hint of that smile.

'oh'

i feel like my heart has stopped

i should say nothing. change the subject. get my coat. say we should leave. forget it ever happened.

i dont

i dont know why

'is that okay?'

silence.

for three seconds

which feel like three hundred

her smile

her laugh

'yeah, it's cool'

she turns back to the mirror

silence

for three seconds

it's cool

it's cool

it's cool

she turns back to me

she doesn't laugh

same hint of a smile

'i liked it'

i smile. i can't help but smile.

i say 'cool'

she says 'cool'