Autism, Love, and Friendship

As I have written in a previous article, "Can Autistic People Find Love?", you probably know that I am a single on the Autism spectrum. The question, "Can Autistic people find love?" was answered with, "Yes, Autistic people can find love." And wouldn't you know, that the matter of how, exactly, is still unknown. This is not very much talked about, and we need to address this issue.

Like the man standing alone in the forest looking down at his cellphone, this is the situation for many people in the younger generations, but more so for Autistic people in the younger generations. Millennials and Generation Z, as you know, are on their phones a lot. This is the way that most of us communicate and socialize and meet other people, as well as check our work schedules, emails, and schoolwork, as well as entertainment and games.

As a result, many of us do not know how to socialize with others outside of social media and online games. And because Autism causes social deficits and difficulty reading social cues, imagine how technology impacts these issues.

Autism affects around 4.5 million adults in the USA alone and is a very common diagnosis. Autistic people are disproportionately single compared to half of everyone else who is in a relationship. In a study from Toronto's Redpath Centre, only 32.1 percent of those surveyed with Autism were in a relationship, and only 9 percent were married. I found this in, "Being single with autism: It’s complicated" from The Globe and Mail.

Also, there are the misconceptions about Autistic people that are harming their chances of being in an intimate relationship. For one, some people assume that because someone on the spectrum may have a more flat tone of voice and restricted interests, for example, that it automatically indicates a lack of interest in meaningful connections or friendships, let alone romantic relationships.

Another misconception to completely wipe out of here is that Autistic people are not interested in forming friendships, relationships, and intimate relationships. While not all Autistic people are not interested in such things, it is wrong to assume that none of us are interested.

According to an article, "Being single with autism: It’s complicated" from The Globe and Mail, it is hard for people on the spectrum to find romance. It is not that we are not interested, a misconception we have to get rid of, but because we lack the resources. We are interested, and, as stated here, "...people on the spectrum covet intimacy as much as anyone; they just lack the tools to find it."

In fact, most Autism funding is focused on early intervention and therapies for Autistic children, thus creating a huge gap in tools for so many Autistic adults.

So many adults on the spectrum in their 20s, 30s, and even 40s are still available. There is hardly any way to learn how flirting, kissing, or how to get into a relationship to begin with for people on the spectrum.

While online dating services can help people on the spectrum find a partner, this is also very isolating. Sure, the aspect of being online slows down the socializing, which makes it easier for those with ASD by allowing them more time to write, edit, and send messages, so that it is what they intended. However, Autistic people still need to learn how to converse with others without having to edit so much.

Another thing is that structure is often mistaken for being rigid. Those on the spectrum need structure because routine is very important to us.

Also, like the above article stated, some of us have to plan out each date and remember things, such as not talking too much, being spontaneous at times, making eye contact, etc. We have to choose a location that doesn't have a lot of bright lights and somewhere that is not too noisy, as well as how much to tip the waiter or waitress at a restaurant, or plan other things in advance, because we are very logical thinkers.

Another thing about Autistic people is that one does not have to read between the lines or deal with double signals, because we see the world in a very literal way.

One thing that may make it more difficult for Autistic people to find a relationship is that some of us are just content to be in the same room with their date, causing them to label them as cold or uncaring. However, some of us want to touch, hold, and even kiss the one we are interested in.

It is true that regular dating can be very difficult to navigate for an Autistic person, but sometimes online dating is very frustrating and disappointing. It can be easy to find a partner online at first, but somehow, it gets harder. I found someone on OkCupid once, but now I cannot find anyone on other dating sites.

Another thing that makes dating or being single hard for Autistic people is that we often feel like it was our fault for someone leaving the relationship or not being interested in the first place. It is so hard to get a first date, let alone a lasting relationship. We often feel like it was our fault it didn't work out, as if we did something to turn them off because of our Autism. We also feel like the other person doesn't find our Autistic traits attractive or find us personally attractive.

We constantly blame ourselves for being single. At this point, I consider myself lucky to have had two relationships, even if they didn't turn out so well.

In summary, Autistic people can be isolated due to technology and being on their phones like so many young people today. While it seems like half the population is in a relationship or married, Autistic people are disproportionately single. Because Autistic people may lack the social skills, some people may label them cold or uncaring, and some people may assume that Autistic people are not interested in a relationship or intimacy, a misconception we have to eradicate because it is not true, though not all Autistic people are interested in romance or anything intimate. Finally, a lot of people on the spectrum crave romantic relationships and intimacy, but there is a major shortage of resources for Autistic adults, because most funding goes to early intervention and children on the spectrum, leaving out so many adults on the spectrum.