Autism in Love

I’m by no means an expert on relationships. I’m a 30 year old autistic woman living with her parents because living alone impacts her mental health. Here I have company even when I’m alone due to the two fluffy dogs that like to lay all over me during my workday.

I have lived with a man before, a few years ago. He was neurotypical and, at the time, I believed he was the love of my life. However that fell apart due to (1) communication issues, and (2) he was a dick.

I wasn’t diagnosed back then. That only happened in 2019. I’ve stumbled through life being bullied, sexually abused and taken advantage of because of my kind nature. This could be described as my deficit in understanding social cues. Sometimes I misinterpret a joke or sarcasm, other times I talk and have to remove the academic jargon that I’ve become accustomed to over the past five years in education, and this frustrates me. I find it nearly impossible.

As a PhD student I’m used to being able to flow naturally into conversations with other academic minds (minus the eye contact).

I wanted to do something meaningful in an environment that I was accustomed to. On campus I can wear sunglasses inside to defend myself from the harsh lights, I can keep to a routine, and hide in a corner of the library if things get too much. I have the support of a mentor and skills worker who I see weekly. I’ve never had so much help in my life!

Unfortunately, the man I lived with didn’t seem to like me improving myself. He critised how much time I spent writing essays, he decided I was lazy, and soon enough told me I was living with him like it was student housing (I’d worked many jobs and paid my fair share. I believed I deserved a reprieve). Everything appeared to point to him feeling threatened. He was the man afterall. He was supposed to have the highest paid employment. But when an opportunity to take on the role of manager at his work was given to him he refused it. He said he preferred his current role and didn’t want the responsibility. Countless times he wanted me to quit education and return to a work environment. I did, only once, and after 6 months I left and went back to education. As you can imagine this caused issues. I implied I would try to see someone about an autism assessment, but he told me there was nothing wrong with me. He’s right in a way, there’s nothing wrong with me. This is simply who I am, and he couldn’t deal with it.

I left in 2017 and have since moved on into other relationships, however short lived. I guess you can’t describe a week as a relationship? I seem to attract men who wish to have the sexual intimacy without the ‘baggage’. I don’t understand why people would object to a woman who would love them to her very core?

My only objection to a potential partner is that they have to be at least 6 feet tall. For some reason I seem to struggle to be attracted to them if this is not the case. However, I did try with a young man who was around 5 foot 4 (I’m 5 foot 3). After a couple of months I decided that he was more of a brother than a lover. I tried my best to explain this to him but he ceased all contact, but I did know that would be the case before I had the discussion with him. The word ‘no’ is not used enough, in my opinion.

Happily, I’ve been in a relationship almost 2 months now. He’s autistic, loves sports and video games, and we’ve known each other for 2 years. I’m still learning how to be an autistic in an autistic relationship. I don’t have to mask, or try to be so called ‘normal’. I can be me, and he loves me for me and I love him for him. It’s very different to what I’m used to but I’m finding I prefer it. I get my own space, he supports me unconditionally with my educational pursuits, and he doesn’t try to change me. Maybe I’ve finally found what I need.