Article: Trust is a Fragile Thing

Someone once told me that there is a saying that: "You can pick the right person at the wrong time." At first I didn't believe that saying because there is never a right person and life is unpredictable. Yet, I wish I could say that trusting someone is easy, that it's simple to love someone with all your heart and I wish I could say that relationships are easy. I wish that I could say dealing with someone's baggage is simple as fuck but it's hard and damaging. I know this because I know I've damaged people with mine, the same exact way they damaged me with theirs. But isn't that the price we pay for falling in love? Isn't that the price we pay for giving ourselves emotionally, physically, and mentally to someone that we barely know? I wish I could write and say that trusting and loving a person is easy but I would be spitting bullshit from my mouth. I wish I could lie and say that trust came easy to me...but it hasn't but it used too. Oh god...it used to slip into my hands so easily like water but even water starts to freeze and disappear.

My trust used to stand currents, waves, and even forest fires but everything has a breaking point. I'm not sure when it broke but I think the first time it cracked was with the first man that proposed to me. I was toxic to him and the first time that came clear was sitting in group therapy...listening to the three therapists talk about toxic relationships and my heart instantly knew. The funny thing is everything they said was on point but 2 to 3 years later my ex fiance contacted me. And he apologized for his actions and I think back wondering...really fucking wondering was it really just me or was it him too. Honestly...it was both of us. Funny thing is... to be truthful. We hardly ever fought, we never hit one another, never pushed, but one of us did cheat. And hardly saw one another and some of those days started to decrease slowly but fast. I never once went through his phone, I never picked it up trying to sneak into it, but he always claimed he was faithful. I didn't even know his fucking pass-code and we were engaged and together for almost a year. I think back to those old days and think I was so stupid that maybe I've should've looked but at the same time I'm happier and proud that I didn't.

However, there's another saying. They say; "A drunk mind speaks sober thoughts." I wished I would've taken that to heart because when he drunk more than one of my guys friends in college said he cheated on me and heard it from his mouth after he threw his engagement ring at me after accusing him for the first time in person (face to face). Even then my trust didn't break and I still didn't go through his phone and I completely stopped accusing him but when someone loves another...You can't change that. You can't force yourself to love someone nor can you force yourself to care about someone but you can force yourself to believe you love someone. When a small amount of years passed my heart jumped and I wish it didn't but I was different back then. My second longest relationship was with this second guy that proposed to me and I believed I loved him. I had so much fucking trust in him...so much. That relationship had its toxic moments from me but I never realized he was being toxic to me too. I would try to break up with him and it would be from a couple months to another month or so but I stayed because he convinced me too. But every relationship has its breaking point. This one just had to do with overstepping the boundaries of my temple but that is a different article and a different story.

When I look back on those memories and moments with him; I never once thought he was cheating, I never once went through his phone and we never hit or pushed one another unless you count grabbing someone by the wrist and not wanting to let go or grabbing someone by the shoulders hard and leaving marks. But, I didn't think it was toxic or abuse till people told me it was. But, we yelled and cursed but I always made it a point to keep quiet because he scared me. However, one time I made the mistake of yelling at him...The look on his face in his white focus I will never forget ever on that gravel road, towards the park with no other cars it. His look was filled with something more than just anger it was filled with something else I never saw before that day. He had the look like he wanted to punch me in my face and he pushed on the gas pedal to hard that in my heart I feared we were gonna crash or flip because he stared at me for majority of that ride yelling at me. His anger frightened me and maybe that was toxic, maybe isolating me from my friends was toxic and maybe threatening people behind my back was okay but I never knew. I never noticed how possessive, obsessive, and manipulative he was. But, after him my trust still didn't fucking fade and I wish I could say things took a different turn. After him...I met someone who was different and who was one year younger than me. We fought about stupid things, we yelled, cursed, pushed and other things. In the beginning he seemed almost too perfect. I did go through his phone but because he wanted me too. He told me that he wanted to show that I could trust him but that's when my trust completely shattered was with him. I wish I would've been smarter and I wish I would've listened to the people that told me to be careful with him but like usual I didn't. At a point we crashed hard and he had his stepdad's half niece that he considered his cousin. To put it simply he cheated on me with her. And the first time in a long time...when I checked his phone; the evidence sat there on his actual messages and snap-chat. He didn't delete because he said he had nothing to hide and that he ended it...and he wanted me to see it. To make clear his "not blood cousin." And I will admit I was always starting fights with him and I was always emotional with him but the thing is you never know what happens behind closed doors. But, not everything was bad. But I will be honest when we broke up...I did act bat-shit crazy. I hate myself for that but at the same time I hate myself even more for loving someone that didn't love me anymore. Someone that was making it seem like it was my fault for making him have heart problems...when towards the end of our relationship; he admitted that the other girl was the one causing the majority of it.

But...the way I see it...every relationship is a give and take. Every relationship has its ups and downs; it also has its toxic moments and its most lovable but when happiness starts to fizzle...the question is..."What do you do then?"

I'm writing this personal article because when you have overloading thoughts its better to write it all down and I wish when I met the guy I'm with now...I wish I knew how to trust better and love better. Not all of us know how to love someone right because we all have flaws when it comes to loving a human being. At the end of the day were not simple creature, were complex, toxic, emotional, mean, and sometimes with all of that...we can be so uncaring. And maybe that's normal. Right? I can't even give a straight answer for that.

All I can really say is that I wish I would've trusted him from day one, I wish I didn't try to push him away by starting arguments because I thought I was gonna get hurt again. I wish I had the courage to tell him that I wish I would've trusted him from day one, that I wish his phone never crossed my mind, I want to tell him as he plays his game just a few feet away from me that I realize and know it's my fault for our relationship crashing. If I could start over I would. If we broke up all I could say was that he was the greatest guy I let get away and any girl would be lucky to have him. And that I was the toxic one and I was at fault for our relationship not working...I can admit that this is my fault. And now I know sorry will never be a enough. I wish I had another amount of courage to also tell him that I know I'm losing a amazing and phenomenal guy and that it should have not taken me 7 months to realize what I have. They always say you don't know what you had till its gone. And I know now that I trust him completely and am still in love with and I learned my lesson. I realize what love is now. And it sounds crazy but now I do. I realized I made a tremendous amount of mistakes with him and this time I refuse not to make a change. Us crashing is my fault and I don't know if there is still love for me in his heart but the love I have makes me want to change. I need to change and I am not going back on it now.

I know you'll never read or see this but if you ever do. Just know I realize what I'm losing and I am going to change. Through it all I'm not gonna let myself fail. Regardless of it all. I am sorry and I realize what I'm gonna lose. And my advice at the end is: Don't allow past relationships to determine; how your new one is going to go. And when a blessing walks into your life; don't allow yourself to overthink; don't allow yourself to view the worse with another. Not everyone is the same person, everyone is different in how they love. Don't make the same mistake of realizing that you are close to losing someone who's amazing and cared so much about you and was willing to do anything for you. Don't keep making mistakes. Realize what you're going to lose before it's too late. And if you're; wake up and make a change. Most of of stick to it.