Another Way to Be

I asked myself for the millionth time in the last three weeks what in the world is next.

Everything I knew my life to be had changed. Again. And once again I found myself on the precipice of great change. Whether that change would be desired or a disaster is yet unknown as I write this.

In the weeks that have passed, I have learned, or relearned to be honest, how much I dislike waiting. Having something completely out of my control with no way to speed things up, yet at the same time, not yet willing to give up the time I had on my own, with nothing to do but be, has been a challenge to be sure.

To go over the chain of events that got me to this place would be pointless. Telling a story that is over is of no benefit. Venting serves no purpose. And truly, the events themselves are not even significant.

It is almost five years to the day when I uprooted my life and created a whole new one for myself. Then, on an impulse that was more of a knowing, I chose, and acted. I had no idea what would come, what I would be doing or how. There was no net.

Or so I thought. In actuality, I had a couple of nets. This time though? There are none. Things have changed so much since then at times I look around and wonder who's life I am living. I don't really recognize it at all. Not neccesarily in a bad way, more in a what can I choose from here way.

As I sit here at my computer, tears in my eyes, I admonish myself for not sitting at it sooner, as the sound of the clicking keys, the action of typing, brings so much joy. Then perhaps I would not have spent many days drinking wine and binge watching series I have already seen.

My curtains have been closed to keep the heat out and the apartment cool, which has not done wonders for my mood. I make myself get out everyday. At least I did up until a few days ago, when the waiting wore me down, and I lay curled up in a ball on my bed for most of the day.

At times I would pick up my phone to look for any kind of human connection, finding none. Or I would play games until my eyes were weary and my neck and shoulder were tired from holding it. It doesn't replace interaction.

I am not a depressed person, yet the thought of all the upcoming change had left me paralyzed, overwhelmed, frustrated. There was a knot in my stomach as well. The knot was reminding me I had choices to make eventually, maybe choices that were not the choices I would like to choose from. It's as if I am at a buffet restaurant, looking for the foods I enjoy and finding only sustenance, not enjoyment. The thought of it kept me awake at night.

As I ask the same questions over and over, not for an answer, but to open up possibilities, I find myself opening up as well. What changes can I make to start creating the like I would like to live? MY life. One that I choose, not the lessar of two evils, a choice that excites me, that works for me.

I had someone tell me they were disappointed in how I showed up. I knew that I have grown when I didn't care. It is not my job to gain others' approval or validation. What IS my job is that when I look at my choices, I am satisfied. What is important is to do the best for ME. Truth be told, I was disappointed as well, without judgement or significance, with a vow to myself to be better. I know I am not being me, be-ing me, when I am not choosing greater.

I am grateful for him, for his disappointment. It has spurred me into action. I am no longer willing to be disappointed in myself. So as I sit here, the tears dry, I am closer to me than I have been and it is good.

This moment in my life, this moment in time, will pass for sure. It is up to me how I come out of it.