An Unorthodox Following

What is the psychology in following people on platforms that you may not like or following individuals on platforms that may not like you? it's giving .... seek counseling right? but I think there is a deeper root to some of this. wether I'll be the first to admit that this has been almost a pattern for about 2-3 years now. I'll find a celebrity, public figure, an influencer that aligns with my ideals. Not comparing myself too; just as the first gaze /first glimpse gets my attention & reels me into a follow. Over time I've noticed especially with the pandemic still in full effect we're indoors more than ever. Well I know I am. With the lack of social interaction and some codependency issues mixed in with some good old-fashioned hyper attachment styles, I made a recipe for disaster.

I don't see anything wrong in following someone you know nothing about. At this point, I can identify the issues that come with the following of someone and not always aligning with the persons' actions or thoughts practices, or even ideologies and just following for mere aesthetic alone. I've also realized why I follow people that may have a different perspective other than myself, I would want to try and educate myself and want to understand others' perspectives as a whole. SO much to the point that I followed with intentions to "fix" or "suggest" instead of accepting the individual as they were or just listening to them and understanding first. I understand and know I have my own opinions, even may have some judgment about people, places, and things. (Even things I may have shallow knowledge about) but when it comes down to internalizing and personalizing so much of anything without context and placing judgment and then feeling the same judgment placed can be triggering.

It's what I am experiencing now. Instead of finding groups of individuals that not only align with my ideals while also allowing the group to have their own opinions, but healing traumas that may have caused me to grow attachment issues, misplaced judgment, trust issues, even me realizing just because I am triggered by an individual also doesn't mean I have to stay in that headspace nor continue to engage. I can choose to keep engaging or honestly just halt stop. Its the mental health for me chilleeeee. It's also the accountability one has to know when they have reached a point of ... "ok this shit is bothering me" When that point is reached it's okay to not be okay. You don't have to fake it to kick it. What I have been working on lately is just understanding deeply why things "bother me" ... can't pretend to be unbothered here.

I tend to lean in on some spiritual meanings when it comes to this. What I've gathered was: I am triggered either 1. I see a version of myself in that person; like a mirror; a version of myself that I may have shunned, ignored, got mad at, disliked, or a version I don't want to be exposed or come to terms with. Maybe it could also be 2. a form of fear or anger shrouded in a thought that could stem from even lack within me. I've recently have been testing my triggers (only because I am feeling it now more than ever) What is causing the feeling? What is attached to this feeling? jealousy? Anger? A feeling of an attempt of exposure? Most likely possible. These feelings are extremely normal and I have to keep reminding myself as happy and go-lucky as I normally am, appear to be, or even front as, I have polar opposite emotions that I don't want to feel at times. (Buried them hoes) This doesn't help when randomly I may be minding my business and I see a picture or video or words even that completely just throttles me.

So with all of that being said, I want to open up about things so freely like this because maybe at least two people reading this could understand. I know I don't have to follow, subscribe to, interact, and engage in things that trigger me however I tend to do it anyways. If I can't get through my triggers I can't get through much of anything else in life if that makes sense. I am not sure if that makes me crazed or stupid. I know if I can identify with what is triggering me and take it for what it is and or was I can handle most other things I deal with in life. I also have been understanding multiple things can be true at once, I am realizing my triggers. By working on myself internally, I can minimize the size of the triggers as they happen or even after they happen. Validating myself whenever possible, reassuring myself, and even taking breaks from doing things to just really ground me.

Lately, I'm am noticing solitude, and excluding myself from things does not help either. I am also practicing to not personalize with every gyatttt damn thing I come in contact with(except animals... I love the animals.) I am allowing myself to balance out things with myself. This is coming from someone who had to compartmentalize EVERYTHING. I enjoy being on social media again and have noticed anything that now would normally raise my eyebrow I wouldn't dare wince hard at unless it was directed to me and at me. Most of the "chatter" be projections of others self and It was hard to see others doing this without wanting to provide the solution for what may be "bothering them" Now When I see someone loving and hyping their self I kind of now get a second hand high from that. Today's word of the day ..... boundaries... If it's not addressed to me I am not opening it. If they did not directly ask for help I will not give it unsolicited (still working on this lol) If it triggers me it's okay to feel whatever feeling is attached to that trigger and ask myself why. So long as my values and thoughts align within myself I am fine.

I am writing this to not prove a point or preach but to keep my ass accountable when I slip and to remind myself it's okay. To reassure me that I am human and still growing and to validate my feelings and thoughts. (Lowkey snitching on my bad memory too) Either way, I am trying my best every day to do something with the time I have on this planet and one thing is for sure I am going to make my past present and future version of myself proud and accept the moments when I'm not so proud.

Anywhooooo I start therapy soon yall. Haven't had a good session in years I need it.