An Unopened Letter to the Friend Who Left Too Soon

The play wasn’t over when you made your grand exit, but as they say in show business—the show must go on.

To my friend who my soul misses more than I realized,

It took me a long time to come to peace with any of this. It took a lot of denial—denial that you were truly gone, that it was affecting me three years later as much as it did then, denial that it could ever get better or that I needed help making it better (yes you’d be happy to know I have finally put my “I can do it myself I don’t need help” attitude on the back burner). Finally I accepted that I needed more—more help, more love, more time.

All I ever want is more time, especially with you, and it sucks that I don’t have that. We were supposed to have so much more time—we had so many plans.

After consistently finding a way back to each other no matter what happened in our decade of friendship, the thought of not being able to find our way back one more time is one that hits emotionally in a way that I can only compare to bashing your funny bone. It is a jolt that comes out of nowhere and instead of staying in one spot, it takes over my entire body. It hits my heart first, numbs my brain next, and fills my eyes with tears last. Tears of sadness, of confusion (that still hasn’t changed) frustration, and longing. The longing hits the hardest because it came once I realized that no one will ever fill the space you left. That room in my heart is going to stay vacant because no one can afford that rent—and I’m finally at peace with that.

I hope it doesn’t bug you how much I talk to you. How much I scream-sing to you while I’m stuck in traffic, or blame you when I trip over the cat when he bolts under foot out of nowhere. I talk to you when no one is around, when I can’t make a decision, when funny memories come back and I want to laugh with you again. How many people can make you laugh years after the fact—even when they aren’t there? Just you.

I hope you know I keep you with me. I kept an old phone that barely works just because it has the bulk of our text messages on it, and every once in a while it will turn on just enough for me to scroll through them. I will choose to watch movies you loved even though I can’t say I do—just because they’re your favorites. I blare songs we would send to each other, and especially the ones we would play over each other mid-fight (although can we finally admit it never really helped anything?!) just because it brings me back to you.

There were times you said you loved me and I didn’t say it back. I hope you know I did—even when I was the most stubborn, and still do today.

The moments where I randomly think of you make me the happiest, because I know you have some sort of hand in it. I know that’s your way of pointing out you’re still right by my side. Casper’s got nothing on you.

I hope you know you’re still my best friend. You’re still my rock, my headache, my diamond in the rough. Although you left a gaping hole in my heart—it’s temporarily filled with anticipation knowing that there’s a day that we will be reunited and get to laugh, chat (and let’s be honest most likely argue because it’s us), and cry—together.

Until we get that chance, I’ll leave the light over the stove on for you so it’s easier to find your way back home.

Love always,

Your friend who misses you more than your soul realizes.