It took a very long time for me to get myself to the place I am. To figure out why we didn’t work, what went wrong. The typical “It’s not you, it’s me” fits real well into this letter, since that’s the truth behind the chaos. Let me explain myself, even if this isn’t what you want to hear.
It made me wonder for quite some times after our parting of ways to what lead to the downfall of everything that seemed once so in-tack to the young pair of small town kids. I hope that you never thought it was because of you, because it was never a fault within your kind heart that failed to be present.
It was me.
I knew I wanted to be around you. Your presence was enough to turn a frown into the smile that painted my face each time I even heard your name. I knew I wanted you, because no one else compared to the magnificence I found trapped in your eyes. The human equivalent of getting to see your favourite movie star in a new released film, was as simple as seeing a Snapchat from you. I knew nearly everything I wanted or needed except..
... It was me.
I didn’t know who I was.
I didn’t understand why I felt how I did towards you, or why I needed to have someone like you in my life. I cried when I got confused as to why other people would say mean things behind our backs, or why crowds would stop to look a little extra longer at the sight of us together. At first I thought it was because jealousy is a common instinct, and we always want what others have. Maybe it was the reality that someone like you would never belong with someone like me.
It wasn’t until I let a few years slide by that I realized the faults in myself that I could have avoided the series of events in the previous years.
Don’t get me wrong, society had it’s play. A younger individual shouldn’t have been with an older partner; even with less than en entire year sepratijg our ages. I learned that who we were, posed a threat to the minds and understanding of the communities we belonged to. We were different, and different is frowned upon.
But it wasn’t all society’s fault. I was distant. I kept to myself or pushed your kindness away when I needed it the most. I kept my walls high in order to protect myself, yet damaged everything I wanted. The protection I requested from within made nothing safer than the negative cycle I found myself slipping into.
I played with your head, and that’s one of my highest regrets. I made it seem like I knew what I was doing, but in reality I couldn’t wrap my head around a relationship with someone so special. I hated the tossing back and forth of wanting you near and pushing you away. I got mad easily and refused to let you in during both of our most vulnerable times. I can’t undo those actions.
Mostly, I regret ever making you feel inadequate to the entire cause. Giving someone else more time and attention other than your sweet face was a fault that haunted me for many days after the fact. I saw no harm in having friends, but when I neglected the very person that gave me the most satisfaction, it was an issue that needed to be fixed. You treated me with nothing other than admiration and care, yet I failed to make sure you were taken care of in the same manner.
I had no intentions of making this into a guilt trip, or a pity plea for forgiveness from you. Simply an open space in which I can spill the emotions that haunted me for so long. I’ve grown up, and moved away from the little town that reminded me of you, and found myself in a happier place. The last of my ties were to openly confess the faults in my past and assure you that you were in all ways perfect for the time we shared.
If you should ever read these words, please know : You’re still a million in one.
A Shifted Memory of the Past