Allodoxaphobia

Why do we care what other people think of us? Is it because we want to be liked? Are we embarrassed about our real lives? Did society brainwash us into thinking we have to be desired to be a good person? The list goes on. I believe all these questions can be answered with a yes!

Why am I writing about this topic today? Because I spent most of yesterday trying to please everyone but me because I didn't want them to think poorly of me. Gawd forbid if anyone thought I was a lousy parent or selfish. So, I'll do what everyone wants me to do even though I'm screaming inside, "No!"

In the end, I did stand my ground. (Hold for applause) Did I wonder what the people involved were saying behind my back? Absolutely! I thought about this way more than I should have. Here is the kicker; I probably thought about it more than the people involved cared—the joys of self-sabotage.

These people don't care that you had two full-on panic attacks, can't stop crying, and are already mad at yourself for not being the mom your daughter needs all within two hours of the drama THESE PEOPLE CREATED.

Now how did I do it? How did I stand my ground after I couldn't bypass what the people involved would say about me?

1: It's not their life, so it's none on their business.

2: They don't know what's best for me.

3: Maybe if it was them, they could care for their child, but right now, I can't. 4: I'm the one suffering.

5: People's thoughts change regularly. By bedtime, they will not care about the decision I made.

6: You probably think they are thinking about your actions more than they are.

7: It's impossible to please everyone. So, satisfy yourself.

8: My daughter will be just fine with her dad. After all, I cared for her alone for eleven years. It's his turn to parent. I need a break.

9: Life is too short.

10: Once again, it must be said; It's not their life, so it's none of their business.

The weight I carried yesterday was heavy. Once my daughter was with her dad, I stayed home. I didn't go to the gym as planned. Maybe I was punishing myself. (But that would be a whole other topic.) I made a conscious effort to stop giving a damn, to let myself free. I went to 711, bought a Dr. Pepper Slurpee, and binge-watched season six of Friends until my fiance came home from work. He even made an effort to set me free by taking me out for supper. These efforts worked a little.

When it came time for bed, I didn't just take one sleeping pill, but two. This is because I needed to shut my brain off and wake up to a new day.

It's a new day, I'm at work, and I'm not caring about what those people from yesterday think. I'm going to the gym after work, and at this moment I am free. So let's hope my mind doesn't change.

I know I did not go into details on yesterday's events, but I hope my story helped you in some ways. Smile, cry, be angry, make decisions, but most of all, be you no matter what people think. They do not have to live with the consequences; you do. One day you will realize that this day was not so heavy. You will smile and be proud that you stood your ground. Until then, keep embracing the journey regardless of life's endless challenges.

Yours truly,

Yourself.