All These Words yet I'm Still Unable to Close Your Chapter

"It hits so hard, holding onto my chest. Maybe you left your mark, reminding me to forget.” -Kygo

All these words. Never enough to understand. Never enough words to justify. Never enough to heal. Never enough to end.

This isn’t me not letting this go. This isn’t me being bitter. This isn’t me talking shit about you. This isn’t me being a needy. This isn’t me being crazy. This isn’t me looking for sympathy. This isn’t my looking for an apology. This isn’t me mad. This is me hurt. This is me trying to find a way to be okay. This is me trying to move on. This is me wanting to close your chapter on my terms. The chapter that I’ve wanted to close for so long but that has stayed open. Because you never gave me a choice when you closed it for us.

All this time and I’m still unable to let you go. I want to forget. I want you back in my life. I don’t want to remember. Because remembering is like knowing what we could be but never will be again. Being in complete clarity and acknowledging everything that happened and still not be able to heal.

I was afraid of losing someone that was never afraid of losing me. Someone who I viewed as irreplaceable while I was viewed at replaceable. Someone I thought of as permanent that saw me as temporary.

Wishing for it all back, but knowing that it’s just a wish. A wish never to be granted. Remembering how I thought I knew exactly who you were and realizing that I didn’t. It’s knowing everything that happened and asking a million why’s. It’s questioning everything. Feelings. Emotions. All the things that I just want to forget. Because no matter what I want or what I might wish for, it will never matter. It will never happen. Chance after chance. Day after day. Month after month. You’ve taught me that I shouldn’t expect anything from you. You’ve taught me to erase the standards I once had for you.

A mere few empty words as a common courtesy. Empty actions that were never followed through with. Empty words with empty promises. Emptiness left full of feelings and emotions.

Leaving so little in your exit, but so much in your spirit and the memories we shared. You were gone, but the emptiness has never been empty. It’s never ceased to remind me, to make its presence known, heard.

Remembering all the memories that we once shared smiles in that only sadness lives now.

After everything that we had been through. All the memories we had made. All the time we spent. All the conversations we had. You just thought it was okay to leave, to ghost. You couldn’t even talk to me. You just quit. You just left. It’s like leaving a girl hanging at the top of a rollercoaster mid scream with no idea what went wrong. Was it too much to ask for you to be forward with me, to be real with me? You didn’t have enough respect to give me what I deserved.

I don’t know why this has been so hard for me. I’ve never in my life struggled with letting someone or something go, that’s what’s so equally frustrating. Why I can’t just let it all go, let you go. Why I can’t just forget. Maybe it’s because I loved you. Maybe because I have so much stubborn hope for you. Maybe it’s because our friendship was more real to me than any type of relationship I had been in. Maybe it’s because I never would have done to you what you did to me. I never would’ve hurt you and abandoned you like you did to me. Maybe it’s because I actually gave a damn. And maybe it’s because our friendship meant so much to me that it felt like a breakup, the kind that shakes you at your core and I’m still not over it.

The value of our friendship held to each of us was only made clear when it was over. When I still cared and you didn’t. When I still tried and you didn’t. When it was apparent that it meant everything to me and nothing to you.

Maybe it’s because all I want is for you to be back in my life, but I know that won’t happen. Because with every last ounce of hope that I have for you, the girl who I once knew, my heart breaks at the same time. Disappointment time and time again yet I still come back time after time. You’d think I would have learned my lesson, but it seems that an everlasting hope lives in my heart for you. And that’s what still hurts me. That’s what reminds me of you. That’s what makes me wonder why and ask myself what if. That’s what keeps the memory of you in my life. That’s what still makes me think of you, think about letting you back in my life. That’s what still makes the thought of reaching out cross my mind. That’s what brings me to moments like this. Writing this. Feeling this. Emotional. Hurting. Weak. Alone. Confused. Wishing that things weren’t this way. Thinking of how I never imagined this would be our story, our friendship. Wondering why I can’t just let you go. Wondering if I’ll ever heal. Wondering if things were always bound to end up this way. Wondering if there’s any chance things will ever be different. Wondering why you would destroy something so great, how.

I think about it all, you. I feel so much, so deeply. So many memories. So much happiness. So much pain. So much confusion. So many conflicting feelings.

I would like to think that if I just saw you one more time that I would be able to make peace with all this. That I’d finally get to close this chapter. That I would be able to get closure. But, I know I wouldn’t. Because in all reality, seeing you would magnify everything that I’ve felt all this time. All these months that you’ve been silent. After you decided to quit us. After you decided you wanted to stop being who I believed you to be. And I know that seeing your face would be so painful for me. Because it’s a reminder of the person that I once cared so deeply for, that knew me and chose to inflict all of the pain on me. The person that broke my heart. Not because they didn’t love me in the way I loved them, but because they chose to end things in a way that was easier for them. Not the right way. Not the respectable way. Not the way our friendship deserved. They let me down in the worst way they could hurt me. And it would feel like you took a giant sword and stabbed me in the heart, shattering it into a million pieces again. Leaving me to pick them all up again, alone.

Claiming to care, but acting careless. Claiming to love, but acting loveless. Claiming to be loyal, but running. Claiming to be big on communication, but allowing your silence to speak for you. Allowing your inaction to become your action. Be so emotional, but act so emotionless. Claiming to be a friend, but not knowing the definition.

I never expected you to be anyone but yourself. I never wanted you to change. I always accepted you for everything that you were. I just wanted you to be the friend that you once were. I didn’t want you to leave. I just wanted to share all the things that were happening with you. I wanted to share all the crazy stories and tell you about my new love. I always think back to wanting to tell you first and I never got to and that’s all I wanted. I wanted you to meet her and get to know her. I knew you’d love her. I just wanted you to be in my life. I just wanted to have the kind of friend that doesn’t leave. But, I guess our friendship was always on your terms and that’s where things went wrong. Because you left when it didn’t suit you anymore. When it wasn’t convenient for you anymore. And I guess that’s the difference between you and me.

You run from the fire, I run towards it. You let go when I hold tighter. You push away, I push closer. You hide, I stand and fight. You let things fall apart, while I try to keep them together. You avoid, I confront. You play games, I don’t.

“She was trying to walk away and hold on at the same time. That’s the mind at war with the heart.” -r.h. Sin

My head has been trying to move on while my heart has still been holding on. Letting go with one part and still hoping with the other. Wanting to see you again, but knowing that you’re toxic. Knowing what I should be feeling, but still being unable to feel that. Wanting you back in my life, but knowing you’ll just hurt me. Wanting to forget, but instead remembering it all over and over again. Wishing that I just didn’t feel anymore, but not wanting to lose it all. Missing you, but knowing I shouldn’t. Having so much to say but not being able to. Everything I’ve thought I’ve done and made peace with, rushing back in an instant. All the progress, like it never happened. All the time, like it never passed. Reminding me that I’m not as okay as I thought I was.

You left me with so many unanswered questions, doubts. Was any of it real? Did you mean anything you said? Was it all a lie? Did I ever even know you? Did I ever mean anything to you? Building trust just to break it. Letting me care just to be careless in return. Valuing just to devalue. Giving me hope when you shouldn’t have. Showing me what it’s like to be in your life so I’d know what it’s like not to be. Appearing loyal just to betray. Saying things that you never intended to follow through on. Saying things with your heart, but only ever meaning them half-heartedly. Having a heart like yours and doing what you did. Being so heartless. I’ll never understand that.

There has always been so much uncertainty surrounding our relationship from the start. Maybe we always had a different definition of what a friend was and they only seemed to be the same in the beginning. And maybe you did love and care about me with all you had, you just didn’t do it in the way that I did. Maybe that’s why it was never the same, why it never seemed like enough because it was never equal. You were never capable of matching what I gave and provided as a friend. I’ll never know. Even after you it remains. Never knowing what exactly to do. Never knowing the right answer. Never knowing why. Mind racing at a hundred miles per hour. And always asking what if and thinking maybe.

You hurt me so much, so deeply. Cause me the kind of pain that I never knew before you. Twice. You broke me once and I forgave you. And then you did it again while I thought we were repairing our friendship. Like giving an addict drugs in rehab. The pain you caused has proved to have a resounding effect in my life. Revealing itself when it’s convenient and leaving when it isn’t. Leaving me alone in a dark hole struggling for air, reaching for a hand that isn’t there. Every time I’m stuck and sometimes it’s longer than others, deeper than others until I get it all out.

“The heartache will teach you. Then peace will find you.” -r.h. Sin

The pain your anticlimactic exit has continued to cause me has redefined how much pain that can hide behind a pair of pretty eyes and a pretty smile. Because when the waves hit, all I can do is keep the tears from coming. Maybe I’ve just been trying to rush something that I’m not ready for. Maybe I’m still coming to terms with everything that has happened and trying to accept it all. Maybe my subconsciousness is far behind my consciousness and that’s why it hurts sometimes. And maybe I’ve been struggling so much to let go because I’ve really been wanting to hold onto the pain because it’s all I have left of you. It’s the last thing I have attaching me to you and that thought is so painful to me, that it’s all I have left of you. Maybe it’s my heart’s way of keeping the door cracked open for you hoping that you’ll come back. Because closing it for good would be giving up all hope and I don’t want to do that.

Life might not have stopped because you left, but life seems to love to remind me of you and everything you did. All the good with all the pain. All that will never be again.

I’ve gotten so used to feeling the pain that it’s become a part of my life. Our relationship, our friendship ended and it hits me like a catastrophe. A devastating blow that seemed to come out of nowhere from someone who looked like an angel. And the recovery has been a long journey that I’m still trying to find my way through.

It’s a little less heartbreaking holding onto the pain than completely letting you go, facing the heartbreak face to face.

It’s not that I want closure from you because I know you can’t give me that. I don’t even know if that’s what I would need to be able to heal. I think I just don’t want to let myself feel it all, the heartbreak of losing you. Because I’m scared if I do, I might drown. I might not be able to save myself again. I might not recover. And that’s the fear that stops me, keeps me. I’ve stopped trying to understand why. I just want to protect myself because I never want to feel what I felt before when you left and be in the state that I was. But, maybe I need to fall so I can get back up. Maybe I need to break completely so I can be whole again. Fall apart for things to fall back into place. Or maybe all I need is time.

I’d like to think that you feel bad for what you’ve done, that you’re sorry. But, I know that you probably aren’t. Because to be sorry you have to think you did something wrong and you probably don't. Because somehow you could know me so well and pretend like you didn’t. You could be causing so much pain and act totally aloof and oblivious to it all. Caring less about the people that care the most for you. Letting things fall apart with people trying to hold them together. Take three steps back every time someone tries to make one forward. You’re probably not sorry for any of it and that’s what makes it all hurt just a little extra. The fact that someone that claimed to care so much and love you can just in an instant disappear like a stranger is something that will never cease to evade my understanding. Makes me scared to trust, scared to get close again.

It’s not fair to myself to keep giving you a million chances and forgiving someone who doesn’t even realize they have so much to be sorry for. Someone who I’ve wasted so much breath on who couldn’t even utter a breath for me. I always thought I was lucky to have you in my life but you were lucky to have me in your life. You didn’t deserve to be this important to me, you never did. But unfortunately, we don’t get to choose what we feel and what happens in life, the people that come into it.

You taught me so much. You opened my eyes to so much. About myself. About others. About life. About love. About feelings. About emotions. And I wish that I could just say that I wish I didn’t meet you, but I don’t. Because I wouldn’t be who I am without you and the experiences that we shared. At times, it might seem easier if that were the case, but deep down I know I needed to have you in my life. I might not now, but I did then. You needed to teach me so much. And I guess you served your purpose and when your time was up you left whether I was ready for you to leave or not, whether I wanted you to or not. And I’ll always be grateful for that. Maybe you’ll always be a touchy subject. But, it’s undeniable that you made a huge impact on my life and a place in my heart. If I didn’t think you were special, I wouldn’t still be stuck on you. If I didn’t care, I would have forgotten about you a long time ago. I never would’ve tried to fix things or forgive. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t still miss you.

I’ve been so busy trying to fill the impact you made when I should just let it be. Not realizing that trying to erase it is trying to erase parts of me.

I've given you so many chances despite my better judgment because I always hoped and probably still do hope that it'll turn out differently. I waited for you to be the person I once knew, the friend I once had. But, the weight that comes with having hopeless hope is a burden that I can't carry forever. No one deserves to have that kind of power over me especially someone who left me. You stopped fighting a long time ago. I stopped fighting with time. You still lingered even in your absence because I still cared. But, the weight of waiting for you is weight that I can afford to lose.

The weight being lifted by being transformed into words. All the words that have been left unsaid, given a voice until the words write an ending.