All the Small Things

I met my husband, Stanley Coombs, on February 13, 2008. We were married a year and a half later on September 13, 2009. We only waited that long due to bureaucracy.

On the occasion of the anniversary of our meeting (always so close to Valentine's Day) in 2014, Stanley wrote the following essay about what it was like to live true love. We posted it on my author blog, not realizing that it would become a lasting testament to the beauty of our short marriage.

Stanley Coombs passed away July 29, 2016 – far too soon.

Why is one day a year, Valentine’s Day, designated to show love to your significant other? Is this all that the most important person in your life deserves?

One day of the expression of your love and devotion? What about the rest of the year? The other 364 days?

I would suggest that Valentine’s Day be an everyday occasion, and I make every attempt to make it so.

As we all know, “love” is a concept – a notion that is not well defined and, in all likelihood, has a somewhat different meaning for most everyone. As with the “meaning,” you most likely exhibit love to your “special person” differently.

I try to exhibit how I care about this most special person in my life in many ways each and every day.

It’s not always about the big things – boxes of chocolate, greeting cards, flowers, trips and such. It’s more about finding small ways to make your partner’s day-to-day life special.

Recognizing that everyone is a product of their childhood conditioning, you must find what’s important to them and do things for them that they enjoy or treasure – the smallest of things.

Jessica and I go out of our way to take care of each other all year long. Openly and truly taking care of each other – not because we have to, and not out of habit, but consciously doing these things in the present moment. We celebrate our anniversary more than once a year, acknowledging it each month at least.

I love to make her happy in doing chores around the house, making her breakfasts, opening the car door for her, being a good listener, doing the “heavy lifting” around the house and keeping things clean, telling her “I love you” frequently, that she’s the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and thank her for choosing me as her life partner. She loves chocolate, so I make sure she has plenty. The list could go on for pages.

There are many, many small things we do for each other with no expectation that the kindness be returned but – magically – it is.

Of course, we both have our occasional “off” days and we strive to provide the support to help those days pass without any additional trauma.

I never take Jessica for granted. She has fulfilled every dream that I had for a partner. My only regret is that we did not meet much earlier.

Thank you, darlin’, for everything! Happy Valentine’s Day.

I certainly would've expected to celebrate the fifteenth anniversary of our meeting on a rainy February day in downtown Boston with Stanley. But the main work of grief is to accept that your loved one is no longer alive.

Life with Stanley, who accepted me and all my frustrating foibles with grace and gratitude, prepared me to accept life without him.

I've accomplished what people tell me are amazing feats since Stanley died: I've carved out something of a life for myself in Spain, I've written and published books important to me, and I've met some of my lifelong artistic idols.

It's the bare minimum. Because everything Stanley wrote in this post was true. And it was extraordinary. I can't let him down now by living a mediocre life now. I try to spread a little of his love around the world every day.

Thanks, darlin', for everything. Happy Valentine's Day.