Alabama to Outlaw Intercourse
“What better way to save the life of a child than to prevent conception altogether?”
As stringent abortion legislation sweeps across the southern United States after the overturning of Roe v. Wade, Alabama’s governor called a special session of the Alabama state legislature to vote on a bill making it illegal to engage in vaginal intercourse.
“Alabama will set a new example in the fight against the murder of the unborn. Here in the great state of Alabama, we believe life begins at conception. What better way to save the life of a child than to prevent conception altogether? We will save countless lives.” Said Kay Ivey, Republican Governor of Alabama.
The bill passed along party lines in the Alabama state senate Wednesday and was quickly brought to the floor in the Alabama house of representatives, where it passed thanks to the GOP majority. It reached Governor Ivey’s desk ready to be signed into law by Friday afternoon.
“It’s a historic day for Alabama, the United States of America, and Christendom.” remarks Clay Scofield (R), senate majority leader. “We have finally found a way to stop Satan from snatching away our progeny.”
“I’m leaving” commented a democratic lawmaker who wished to remain anonymous, “me and mine are getting the h*ll out of here before this law upends the state of Alabama.”
When asked if this law applies to married couples, Governor Ivey replied “Absolutely! We don’t need any “oops” pregnancies.”
And does it apply to women unable to conceive, because of old age or some other biological factor? “Of course!” Governor Ivey replied. “The Lord works in mysterious ways. Isaac was born when Abraham was 100 years old and his wife Sarai was 90. Anything is possible with our lord and savior.”
Confronted with the assertion that the law would halt reproduction altogether, Governor Ivey — having never reproduced — reassured Alabamians that “No expense will be spared in securing and maintaining a massive fleet of storks to deliver babies to loving [heterosexual] couples.” Adding, “we’ve even started a program to train larger seagulls to deliver bundles of joy”.
Although no penalty for breaking this law has been established, it is believed that death by stoning is a likely sentence.
About the Creator
Jarrett Wilson
JL Wilson is a student of life, of history, and of life's history (maybe even history's life...). He shares his discoveries through writing of, as C. Wright Mills put it, "biography, of history and of their intersections."
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