A Wondering Heart

I've only had crushes before you.

I never knew what love was. I spent most of my day before I met you pining after guys I was too shy to talk to. I didn't know the difference, then, but I do now. I was infatuated. I knew nothing about them, yet I was crushing hard. I was crushing so hard on people, frankly, I don't think knew I existed. In all honesty, though, I didn't know what I would do if one of my crushes actually liked me back. I have never been on a date. I couldn't afford anything but the pants I needed to get for my school uniform. I never had my first kiss yet, either. In summary, I have just never been in a romantic relationship. I never thought about it then, but I know I would have freaked out in that situation.

Fast forwarding, to my freshman year in high school. Many of my classmates at this time already had about 2+ boyfriends/girlfriends and I was still crushing on people. I felt a little left out, maybe even unwanted. I'll admit I know I wasn't the best looking girl in school, but I know I wasn't unbearably ugly. I wasn't skinny—maybe a little too chubby for most people, but I was always told my personality was beautiful in itself. A good personality was all that mattered, but I felt that was a lie until I met you. I hadn't even thought about you before then. You were just the funny guy in class, but after a few months, you were all I could think about for the next two years.

Now, it has been seven years and occasionally you cross my mind. Sometimes I even wonder if I cross your mind too. I kind of hope you do, and that's a secret I hope my boyfriend never finds out. At work the other day, my co-worker asked if I had the chance to be with you again, would I leave my boyfriend now. I felt this conflict inside me. You would think since I'm in a relationship, it would be an easy question to answer, but it wasn't.

You were the first to tell me "I love you." You were the first to ask me to dance. You were the first to ask me out. You were the first guy that ever called me beautiful. You were my sunshine. You always made me laugh, always made me smile. That was important to me because I know when I wasn't feeling exactly the best all the time. We could talk for hours about nothing and still have a great time. You were the only person who has ever made me really nervous being around, and you actually still are. I got so nervous to the point where my first reaction was to run and hide behind something or someone.

I was sad when you stopped coming to school, though. I remember waiting until the last minute before school started for you, hoping to see you walking this way. My heart would jump for joy when you did. Then at the end of the day, we'd do our walk together, talk, and then say goodbye. Then you went away for six months, but I'm grateful you came back to say goodbye. It would have been terrible for me if you did not because I would have continued to sit out in the front of the school and wait for you.

The one thing I regret when it comes to you was not going to see you the day you came back. I literally took the bus by myself across town, telling myself you can do this, you'll be fine, just to see you, but I just sat there across the street. Somehow all the courage I built up to come to see you melted away when I actually saw you. I saw you and that was the last time I saw you...

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we had the chance to grow together. I still feel the same about you. The thought of you makes me smile and when we would talk, I still have to go look myself in the mirror and make sure I'm not blushing. It would be absolutely great if one day our lives may cross again.

I am wishing nothing but the best for you and all who have entered into your life, from now until forever.