A Series of Bad Love Stories

C.L.

"Antisocial personality disorder is a mental condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others without any remorse. This behavior may cause problems in relationships or at work and is often criminal."

This is a story of my first love. A very difficult story for me to tell, as I still suffer from the emotional trauma of it. Maybe, this love story, is why my therapist thinks I have a little PTSD.

I was in highschool and wanted nothing more than for people to perceive me in this way I don’t even fully understand myself. Apparently, I needed to be dating some kind of “power figure” to achieve it. My god was I wrong. He was the high school quarterback, very popular, and had antisocial personality disorder. If you think that’s when someone doesn’t like other people… you’re wrong. Antisocial personality disorder is what Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, The Joker, and most serial killers are diagnosed with. This man, that I was so very swooned by, was unable to feel certain emotions. This gave him the ability to mimic only the ones he wanted you to see to get you wrapped around his finger. I was so tightly wrapped around his finger that even now, years later, I still struggle to tell this story truthfully of how bad it was. I was so manipulated that I still feel the need to ignore the truth.

The moment I realized I really liked this man was at the homecoming dance, he was like this radiant spirit in a crowd of fucked up beings. Blonde, thick, curly hair, blue eyes, and 6’4” with the most innocent, sincere smile I had ever laid eyes on. He would never say anything to me, just give me looks and some sly body language. It took months of looking at his social media accounts, watching him at every football/basketball game, and figuring out his paths to class in the halls. This man had me so intrigued, I knew where he was in the school at all times, I knew how many seconds to count, waiting to go around a corner, just to walk by him.

One night, he finally messaged me. Oh. My. God. My young heart was so full of what I thought was “love”, I was so blind. Everyone in the school called him a player but I did not care. His body count at 17 years old was in the 60’s. All I wanted more than anything, was this man to be mine. He had me so manipulated, I was willing to do anything just to get a little bit of his attention, but he never gave me all of it. He would convince me to do disgusting things I would never have done, just because I was afraid he wouldn’t pay attention to me. Eventually, all my friends ditched me and the whole school knew who “QB1’s” new play thing was. I didn’t care about any of this though, all I cared about was him.

As the months go by of me getting strung along, he got himself a “main fling” that he would post publicly about. I was so emotionally abused at this point, I ignored all of it so I didn’t have to feel the pain of what was really happening. There were about 25-40 other girls throughout the 2 years I stuck around. He had no remorse for anything he did to them or forced them to do. He enjoyed it.

The day I “woke up” was like waking up from a hypnotic trance. I was at his house doing “things” that he wanted when we started disputing over all the other girls. He lies like no other person I have ever seen lie. He denied everything. It was the first time I ever saw him get “angry”, or whatever that was I saw in him. Looking back at it now, I had never seen him actually show any time of emotion before this night. He grabbed me by my shirt where the collar is and sort of shook me with this look in his eyes like he was looking right through me. Normally his eyes held this calm and observant look but this was nothing close to anything I’d ever seen in anyone before. I immediately turned and left after this, not saying a word.

I ended up telling his “girlfriend” (or public fling as I liked to call her) everything that had been going on over the past two years and what had happened that night. He acted out at me through messages but I was no longer in his trance, I didn’t care. She had apparently been wrapped around him just as tightly because after about a week they got back together.

I don’t really know if he ever was harming people or planning to like Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer. I don’t know how many girls he has done this to either, probably over a hundred by now. I don’t know what he is up to now nor do I ever plan on knowing. This was the love story that fucked up my love life for the next 7 years.