A reflection on not saying goodbye

I admit I could have cherished you more before last November. I did my best with the time I thought I had. I guess I did have. You taught me lessons in your profound silence. We all see how your ripple kept us together like glue. I do not regret who I was but I can safely say I am fucking full of sorrow I cant physically show you who I am becoming and where I am going. You were there for me in some dark times. You never judged me at least never out loud. You just witnessed my storms and shared the laughter I let surface. You were there before the crucible. You were playful and that allowed me to be a bit more like myself when I always felt I had to be a rock. A shut in of emotions. You were relentless in who you were and how you lived. I respect your life time. I hope you feel the shrine I make for you in my soul.

I had a moment I tried to share with you today. I slipped into a rage as I walked in the forge. I lifted legs which you always enjoyed. In a way of showing your power even on days you didn't want to get after it. I try to dedicate them to you but then that nemesis speaks up in my mind. Like an itch I want to fight. How could you go so suddenly? How could we not say goodbye? Even as I spoke to myself of how I only had to let go of your physical presence I still felt grief. I held you tight in my heart as I punished the bone and muscles I carry here. As if I could interpret the chemicals colliding in my veins.

Eventually the storm calmed and I found my peace with you again. I saw your other halves today. I can always feel your absence when I am with them. They miss you deeply and I haven't figured out how to connect ever since. I watch them change slowly but evidently. It's not agony but something like defeat. Maybe I am simply projecting how my old self would have endured this. I watch my wounds heal. I witness the idea of you morphing into a blinding light. A piece of the story that will never not be told. I know you know this because I know this.

I try to pay it forward. The kindness you showed me. In small ways for now but at some point the world will know your name as a tribute to a gentle prince. A man who consistently took care of those close to you. I was allowed to cherish a part of you about a decade long. Evolving into a chosen identity you seemed so comfortable as. I would give you my oxygen to bring you back. I would give you my time if you wanted it. I have to accept that this is how it will be. This is how it was suppose to be. In that I have to cope by envisioning the part of you that is apart of me.

If you are watching us from the other side I hope you don't forget about me. I know I will find you again. I imagine you're building a new empire beyond this realm and thats beautiful in a way.

Deep inside the caves of my mind beneath the mountains buried by the oceans your final moment unleashed a creation. I could count each beat of my heart inside its ribcage. I could feel my lungs fill with fire as each breath pushed against the walls like trying to find its way out. The visions blurred began to focus on the objective. I know it was always there. I never knew you were the key. These writings are mine. I share them with no intention other then letting it out of this skull.

I bring you back beneath the scorching sun. We float here and I stare into your pale eyes. I seek the sorcerer. The one who worshipped hatred and would roam with devious dogs. I let you show me the reminders of how I got these scars. The story of how wounds formed and festered. Night after night feeding the damage done. In a strange way it strengthened the power I was gifted. I see the shackles you removed from my body. The lay rusted and decaying. I gently push you towards the ball of fire. Into the light that now I see as a symbol of hope. I am infinite as you are now.

Tonight I carve your name into the wood. I bury it deep so that it will keep my promise to you.

I will find you.