less than fear

The visions behind my eyes take hold. It flows through me effortlessly. As if I saw the light of the tunnel and this illusion isn't working on me. I tried for you to take my hand and I was forced to perceive the lesson.

I watched you decay violently in slow motion. It fueled the demons that made their way into me. I found that the glory of their god was merely a head upon a pike. A false idol that couldn't save me from the anger dwelling inside. As the fire scorched my heart into ash I fell to my knees. I couldn't die but I was not living. I saw the fear in those eyes and I slit the throat of my ego. A growl surfaced from the essence of my core. I felt my bones tremble and the blood shake. I was becoming the one. The infinite seamless potential. I left behind the notions of their curses. The fire can rise. It must. It will. I burned bridges to abandoned kingdoms. I let the power carve my name into your soul.

You left us without a goodbye. It shifted this mind and gave me a gift no one seems to see but me. I will not let my sadness fester and ruin our memories. Please do not watch what I will do to achieve what I came here to do. I am becoming something fearless and fierce. No longer suffocating in the silly mindless filth they fed us. I let go of your trinity and I cannot allow that guilt to summon the demons you saw within me. Our dreams of a better life remain here with me. I carry that weight as I watch them give up. One by one they collapse and I am left here with a piece of your light.

I remember that wretched night. Laying frigid and naked soaked in those god forsaken tears. As I clear the blood from lungs I think about the times I wanted desperately to give up. To let these curses in my mind to take over and consume. Something shifted when I wasn't paying attention. I no longer can ask for permission. I no longer can focus on the past. Those villages burned because of what they chose to accept. I told you long ago I would do whatever it would take. I don't believe I have utilized this potential correctly. I do not believe that the god I buried will ever forgive me. I severe the shackles and all the illusions that poisoned me. I accept the pain I caused myself. I cover myself in dirt to remind me of the mud that I came from. Misery doesn't feel heavy anymore. I stare into their eyes and absorb the power of oneness. My flesh yearns for the false idol's admiration. It's lonely in the eyes of anyone other than this mind.

One last time I return to the house haunted by the traditions of the damned. The house painted with trauma and hopeless escapism. In this house I buried the inner child and allowed the defense mechanisms to run out of control. In hindsight those defenses allowed me to blindly survive strange worlds of chaos and agony. I remember all the ways I died out there. I remember fragments of the guardians that dragged me from the clutches of sand and cold steel. I am not meant to understand this strange gift. This idea that I am lacking in focus isn't necessarily a lie however I have created something out of nothing repeatedly. It never seemed that it was for me but for those I felt the truest intensity of love for. I was lying to myself and in confusion I seek that which I believe and know as truth in my soul. I am a man with purposes. I did not come here to do one thing. I came here to find my way back to the source. Along that journey I will offer all I can light and love. I will offer my protection and conceived ideas of wisdom. I was the one who couldn't be heard until I began listening. Suddenly my words were deafening and held meaning like the stars and moon once did.