A Random Day

“Why is the train moving so fast? I need to jump off. Where am I?”

I look outside the window to see where I am, nothing but lights coming from the houses far away. Its night time, I’m on a train and it’s moving too fast.

“I need to get out. Why am I on this train? Where am I going?”

Inside the platform the seats are dirty, used. The white fluorescent is about the die.

“How is this train still in use?”

Looking around I lock eyes with a homeless man. I realize then It is just us two, alone on a train and I don’t even know where I am going. He looks familiar but that doesn’t stop me from feeling frightened. He doesn’t take his eyes off of me, watching my every move, trying to stay still not to scare me, he knows me too.

“Where do I know him from?”

The look in his eyes reminds me of someone. I can’t put a finger on who.

“I need to get out. I need to get out to protect my baby. Wait, I am pregnant? Why? How? What‘s going on?“

The train is going at full speed. I get up carefully trying not to look at the homeless man, I can feel he is watching my every step. He scares me but I know him.

“God, where do I know him from?”

I get my bag and move slowly to the other platform. The automatic doors let me in. This platform is a different color than the one before. It is warmer inside, the lights here seem to be working properly. I scan the platform quickly. There is no one here except a couple making out at the back. They are in denial of the public. I watch them for a second, how he holds her head and kisses her passionately. She seems to enjoy it. Something inside of me aches. I put my hand on my belly.

“My baby. How am I pregnant?”

I can’t take my eyes off of the couple. They don’t see me. They see nothing but them. I feel sick.

“I need to get out of here. I need to focus.”

I sit down on one of the seats on the side of the window, it is pitch black.

“What am I gonna do when I get out? Where am I? Where is this train going?”

I try and shut my eyes for a bit. I’m so tired. I know I need to get out of here but I’m really tired. For one second I sit back and close my eyes. When I open them, I see the homeless man sitting right next to me. I swallow my breath. He is looking at me like he knows me. He wants to say something to me. I get chills. He is a middle-aged man with blond hair. His hair seems unwashed, tangled, chaotic. His clothes are dirty yet he smells like Chanel. I love this smell.

“How can he smell like Chanel?”

I close my eyes again. I need to think. I need to clear this fog in my head and get the hell out.

“Who is this guy? No! Focus! We need a way out! How though, how to get out of a train that is moving so fast. Where will I go when I get out, where is my home? My baby needs to be safe. Who smelled like Chanel before? No, focus!”

I open my eyes again.

He is gone.

“Where did he go?”

I get up to see where the couple is. They are not kissing anymore. She looks sad. He is looking away from the window. His body completely ignores her. I can tell she is trying her best not to cry. Her body faces him, her head is on the opposite side though. She is waiting for him to comfort her. He is not interested. I wonder what happened to them. They looked in love a second ago. My heart aches.

“Why?”

The train starts to move faster, I lose balance and fall back onto my seat. It is going full speed.

“Can trains even be this fast?”

The sound of the rails is echoing in my ears. I can feel we are gonna crash. I hold on to the seat in front of me.

“My baby needs to be safe. God please, protect my child. Please I beg you.”

The windows are about to break down. I look up to see the couple, I want to protect that girl. They are not there anymore.

“Where did they go?”

The sound of the rails is getting higher. This high-pitched noise is hurting my ears. That’s the end for me. My baby will never see the daylight. I’ll never see my son’s face. He’ll die inside of me. I’m scared. We are going faster. The noise keeps getting higher. The seat in front of me is shaking I can’t hold on anymore. I’m gonna die here. I’m dying here.

All lights go off.

I open my eyes again.

“Where am I? Oh, I am home. Jesus! What’s my name? Oh yeah, April. What day is this, do I need to get up? It is Saturday. I don’t have to get up now.”

Lying in bed feels good, I don’t feel like getting up. This blanket is so cozy.

“Where did I buy this from? I should go to Ikea again. It is too far away though. Where is my phone? What is that sound?”

I try to locate my phone in my bed, turning to the other side, it’s stuck under the blanket. The 10-hour long video I put on last night to fall asleep is still playing.

‘Why am I addicted to thunderstorms, they freak me out in real life. God, I’m such a weirdo.”

Checking my phone for notifications. Nothing new, no messages from anyone.

“Why do I even care at this point? I don’t have a boyfriend, I’m not meeting new people, still, I hope to get a text message when I wake up.”

I feel weird.

“What happened last night?

“I watched some TV and took some sleeping pills and fell asleep. Why do I feel scared? It is gotta be this thunderstorm sound. I really need to stop listening to these.”

“So it’s Saturday, I got no plans. Shocker. Maybe I should go to Ikea today, that would help me kill my afternoon, then after dinner, I can sleep again. The last time I went there was with Mike though. God, I miss him. I can almost smell his Chanel perfume this morning. What is wrong with me? We broke up months ago, why am I still thinking of him? The perfume though... I feel so close to him today. Maybe that is because he is thinking of me too. Could that really be? My breasts are hurting today. Just what I needed this week. I should buy tampons. Maybe I’ll just go to the supermarket and that’ll be the activity of today. I should get up.”

“Hey, Siri, What’s the weather like today?”

Siri starts talking telling me it’s gonna be a cloudy and rainy day. I like his British accent, the only decent man in my life these days.

“Okay Siri love, I don’t care for weather. Ugh, not even 5 minutes since I woke up and all I’m doing is negative talk. I’m sick of myself. Let’s try something positive. What would my therapist say? I’m not in the mood to tell me I love me today though. I wonder how she handles her mornings. Does she really get up every day happy to be alive? She is happily married maybe that’s why she is always happy. It’s not like she doesn’t help me but I’m still alone. I miss Mike. Why am I still not over him? It’s been a while since I haven’t thought about him. Why today? I wonder if he ever misses me? I wouldn’t. I was always moody around him. Just sad. I can’t believe he put up with it for so long. Well, he didn’t put up with it, he left me. That still hurts. When he was into me, it was so fun. The weekend we spent at the lake…”

“I’m definitely getting my period, I feel horny this morning. I should have changed the batteries of my toys. I’m too tired to touch myself today. Maybe later. Sex with him was so good too. He was the best I had so far. Passionate kisser and a good lover. I miss him today. Okay well, it’s one of those I miss my ex days I guess.”

Turning to the other side of the bed now, I can see how dark it is outside even though the blinds are close. The bedroom is really warm, I always keep the temperature higher. There is a bit of day light sneaking into my room from the right side of the curtain.

I try and shut my eyes again for a minute, hoping to fall back into sleep. It is impossible I know, the darker I feel the harder I manage to sleep. I open my eyes again, hating the cigarette taste in my mouth. I sit up in my bed, looking around in my room with very furnitures. It is all empty. I get up, put my slippers on.

Start my day yet again.