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A Letter to the Woman Who Couldn't Love Me

A short piece to a part of my past

By Michael C. Lafferty-ShockencyPublished 4 years ago 6 min read
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To a Figment in my Past,

I don’t know if you could not or would not love me but, at this point it doesn’t matter. I told you that I wasn’t angry; I lied, I am irate, I am bitter. You made me feel worthless, after all that time, after everything I gave, I still wasn’t good enough. My gut was wrenching like my heart was being fed through a meat grinder, like I was nothing more than just a rotting pile of flesh, gutted and left for dead.

It’s not your fault though, or at least I won’t put that on you. I blame myself for allowing it, allowing you to blindly lead me along, for giving my time and my heart, for letting my walls down, for trusting, for hoping. I knew the risk I was taking, well… maybe I didn’t, maybe I was just so full of hope I couldn’t see the obvious. And you, oh you played it so well. For so long you were everything I thought I could need, everything I could have wanted, so close, yet just out of reach. Coming just close enough when you felt I was slipping away, when you felt me growing tired and weak, you would give me just enough of you to keep me there. To hold me, just outside of you, in my own personal little purgatory fashioned by the love I thought I needed. I would have given anything; I would have died for you. And in the end, you were little more than a rusty old serrated blade, chiseling my chest in the shape of your initials. You loved that I was yours, that I was helpless to your cry. You reveled in my trepidation, drank my fear like the victorious used to, sipping from his enemy’s skull.

I played it off well though, or at least I thought. I hid more pain than you could ever know, more anger, more sadness than I thought I could bare. I took it. I took it and tucked it away into the deepest corners of my being. I left it there while I justified my own behavior; justified your behavior. Found ways to make myself feel content with how things were. You just needed more time, you would inevitably get there, you just needed more time. You always told me that you loved me, and how convincing you were. Did you really? Are you even capable of love for another? The only thing I knew was, for that love I would have walked through fire, thrown myself into the pits of hell, walked from one coast to another, just to see you smile, just to be able to feel your lips upon mine.

For a while I had to choke on those words, those memories, your empty promises, and excuses. Where were you on the days I needed you? Where were you when I was falling apart? Less than 15 minutes away, but I still had to pick up those pieces alone. I did it, I swallowed it, lord I ate that, just like my pride and my dignity. I swallowed it all, ate it up like a five-star meal. When I looked in your eyes I melted; you made me feel things I had never felt before, you convinced me that I never truly loved before you. Maybe I hadn’t, maybe I was in love with the idea of love. Maybe you were merely the ideal of love, all I know is that it broke me.

It took some time before I was functional again, it seems that as I get older, every failed attempt at love breaks me more than the last. Each time I put all of myself into something, I always fall short of the finish line. It gets just a little harder to get back up, harder to pull myself together, harder to move forward. But I will! I will stand back up and I will build myself into twice the man I was when you knew me. This time I will be stronger, smarter, more careful. I will make sure that the feelings are mutual, I will hold to my principles.

If there’s one thing I’ve always believed it’s that I would rather die alone than give myself to the wrong person. My time is becoming increasingly important to me, and you wasted a lot of it. You knew you could never see yourself with me, but you failed to share that part. You wouldn’t let me go, you needed me there. I made you feel worthy of all the things you had accepted for yourself, I gave you unconditional love, and you couldn’t let go of someone who was trying to give to you the things that you tried so hard to give to others. You couldn’t accept it either. You couldn’t let me in, you couldn’t love me in return. I will never know why.

Its not all bad though, giving you my time gave me important insights into myself. It showed me how I put other people first, it showed me how I didn’t respect myself enough to move on. It showed me things about myself I had never realized before. Now I’m learning how to make myself important. I’m learning that I have nothing to give anyone else until I am a whole myself. I never thought you would fix any parts of me, but I did hope I would realize my own value as a man if you could see it. I believe you saw it, to this day I believe that you know. For whatever reason I just wasn’t what you could see yourself with, and that’s ok, darlin. I can be angry for the time I wasted, but was it really such a waste of time? What drove me into my deepest depression in years, also pushed me into my greatest period of growth.

Now I can see so many new things, I feel a drive inside of me that I never felt before, I feel a love for myself nobody else can take away. I know myself better, and I’m learning more every day. I am focused and ambitious and I am happier than I have felt in years. You never took anything from me, but you gave me the key to my life! You opened me up to a whole new path of healing, you helped me find a brand-new way of living. In denying me the love I felt I deserved, you gave me so much more, now I understand that the love I deserve can only come from myself. You may have taken my time, and a lot of time at that, but it wasn’t a waste; it had to happen, because it was the only way that I was going to open up, to learn, and accept a new way of being. I had to be ripped apart, like a psychological wood-chipper, you slid me in and walked away. I picked up each one of my broken pieces, and I fused them back together in a whole new way. It is only now that I can see, you gave me more by not loving me, than you ever would have otherwise. Standing tall now I can tell you that my whole is greater than the sum of my broken pieces, and for that I can have nothing but gratitude. Goodbye, my past, goodbye.

breakups
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About the Creator

Michael C. Lafferty-Shockency

The only thing I've done throughout my entire life is write, so thats what I'm doing!

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  • Julie Hergravesabout a year ago

    You know who this is. I'm on here frequently looking for signs of missing me. But after reading this , I just have a few last things to say. Give me the chance for closer that you never had. It's not like I can drive to you or her. Ive been sober almost what 15 days now. And I'm sure your keeping tabs as Rachel came up asking questions about me, coming in the tv room to check me out. Then STILL asking about me while with COTI peers. Don't let her get in trouble for you Mike. Just, I need closure, can't hold out hope any longer and truly want you to be happy. Because I know I finally am. I also have a couple important questions for you.. please Mike. It's the 7102864.

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