A Late Bloomer

I am a late bloomer. A 31 yr old late bloomer when it comes to choosing the same sex for love. I kept it hidden for a very long time as I was sent to Christian school. Of course, that is where it is forbidden or whatever to think such thoughts. So? I did away with it out of fear. Completely stupid, but I was a child; highly vulnerable and still had much to learn. I did not have anyone telling me loving another female was okay. I had people in my family that chose that lifestyle, and coming up, I honestly did not look at them any different than the next mf. I did not know how to. Ignorant people really act like we're aliens or something and that type of bullshit is seen and learned. Then it tears my stomach up how people play with the shit and make it harder for people really on the shit to step out. Like I want to have a gf just to make such and such jealous, or to make such and such notice me. That's that BULL.

I knew what I was into at the age of 4. One instance is when I was at daycare. Everyday in the afternoon, we had to ride the van to a different location for afterschool care. I remember sitting in the middle of van with my female friend next to me. Before we left the parking lot, I would take my big coat, cover our heads and I would kiss away. We were in front of everyone, younger kids in front of us to older kids in the back. I did not care. I can't remember the whole thing completely but I guess the other little girl saw the nasty looks we got and she stopped all together. Never happened again with her. I didn't understand why until later on in life.....at Christian school. (I mean I also remember getting caught with my hands down this little Asian boys pants at naptime (same daycare) and acting like I did not know what I was doing LMFAO). Anyway....I knew then but at 4 years old, couldn't act on it and didn't really know how.

BUT there was another instance I can remember. I remember her name as well but I will change it, of course, for the story. Her name will beeeee....um...Neesha. Yeah. That'll do. So anyway, the Christian school I went to moved to larger location. This location had its own separate building for their afterschool care right next door to the main building. It used to be a store so there was big open area with a storage space in the back. Within this storage space, there were individual spaces. Like rooms full of crap, just with no doors. So we, as kids, would all sneak back here and play the infamous game of hide and go get it. I mean ALL the older kids. It was intense to me then. So my friend Neesha and I would hide in our own little spot under a desk all the way in the back and kiss. I do not know what it was with me and kissing. I barely do it nowadays lol. It was way hot to me then and I believe I would cop a feel or two down below lol. I was a mess and no one knew it but me and her. But she moved away or switched schools or whatever. That black Christian school was high as hell for tuition so I understood. But I did lose a lot of friends like that.

Anyway, there were not too many "instances" after that. Wait...yeah it was too. Just not at mf school lol. Wtf am I thinking. So I still go to the same school and everything though. I am maybe 1 or 2 years older, and I started staying nights and weekends at my aunts. My mom started working hella overtime. I missed my mom but I was loving the time at my aunt's house lol.

This one particular night, my aunt took me and my lil homegirl Keisha to the skating rink. It was nice. Had a separate practice rink and all. We had a good time. Got something to eat and headed back to the house. My aunt laid down in her bed, put on a movie and left me to make the pallet for me and Keisha. So I made our pallet on the floor. Nice foam pad and a couple blankets and pillows and she and I were set. We talked, joked and laughed until we heard my aunt snoring sound asleep. I initiated the touching and feeling. It was something about her eyes. She looked at me so differently than all the other little girls I was forced to play with lol. SO? I explored every inch of her with my hands. I was extremely excited and it made me more excited to see her react and moan here and there. I did not know what this feeling was yet....BUT I LOVED IT!!! I kissed her intensely, her lips, her face, her neck, her chest, her stomach. I did not know what I was about to "go down" and do but something was telling me to do it. Go for it and figure it out later. Then she stopped me when I tried to. I scared myself too really. Nothing this intense happened before. Keisha was the only one to let me go as far as I did. I respected her wish and came back up for air. I continued to kiss her and her body above the waist. I mean I kissed and nibbled on everything. I even took her hand and caressed her fingers and sucked each one so slow like I was enjoying a watermelon flavored blow pop. I could tell by how she tried her best to keep her moans quiet, that this was new to her too. She failed to keep quiet and almost woke up my aunt a few times. I thought I would be upset to her almost ruining the whole thing, but at the same time, I felt too much pleasure and pride to care if Auntie did wake up. In my mind, I was like "I dare you to wake her up. I wanna see how good I really am." But how the f did I know what to do?! How did SHE know what not to do and how to react?!?! We were 8 years old!!!! Wtf were we doing?!! Nah, the better question was how did we know to do what we did? As I said before, Keisha was the only one to let me go as far as I did.

I knew Keisha enjoyed that night as much as I did. The next morning we woke up to pancakes and waffles. But I think my aunt knew what was up. She had this weird look going back and forth between Keisha and I. Keisha tried to look at me on the sly and let me know she felt awkward too and shame lol. Could Auntie know? Probably.....nah....she most definitely knew....because I never saw Keisha again.....ever.

After all those "instances", how did I not know I wanted to be with women? I really can't answer that besides to say that "it" was scared out of me as a child. But ssshhhiiiiiiitttt. I know now. How I really felt lied dormant for years, decades if you will. Until I turned 28. My first girlfriend girlfriend was in her mid-40s. A whooooole 20 years later.