A Fresh Start

What do the words fresh start mean to you? That is an easy question for me. A fresh start is new footprints after a snowstorm, the smell of the air after a long rain, the crunch of leaves in a freshly raked leaf pile, the smell of a newly constructed house, or, finally, my favorite of all, the bright colors of brand new school supplies.

For most people, a fresh start happens in January with a new year, resolutions, and paying off holiday bills. The cry heard around the world this year is let us put 2020 behind us and bring on 2021! 2020 was a quagmire of wasted time and worry and quarantine over a virus nobody understood or knew how to treat. Naively, people think 2021 is the answer. The virus will completely vanish this year and their lives will go back to normal. Now that we have a month under our belt, I think we can agree that is just not going to happen. So the question remains, how do we make a fresh start in 2021?

I can only control myself and, believe me, that is a full time job! I have chosen an unconventional fresh start path. Those who know me well will not be surprised by this. I have never conformed to conventional practices such as diet or exercise resolutions. Instead, I like to think outside the box, I like the color gray rather than black or white. So, while I do not like conformity, there is a huge contradiction in my life. I WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK!

I do not pretend to think I am the only one who suffers from this mentality. I just imagine this is not what is on the average resolution list this year. But I am in my early fifties and I am exhausted! I am literally wiped out emotionally from worrying about what others think. Where has this gotten me? What have I accomplished? A big, fat nothing. I had a mother who was never happy with what I did whether I lived with my fiancé or not. I am divorced from said fiancé in spite of listening to outside advice about how to be the best, young, full time working wife I could be. I had an amazing teaching career for the first twenty years spending only some of that time caring what other coworkers or bosses thought of me. I switch to another school, and, suddenly, I am consumed with what everyone thinks since I am the new kid on the block. Where does that leave me? With teammates who turned on me, and a boss I could not have pleased if I was Mother Theresa herself. Did anyone ever worry about what I thought? It is decidedly doubtful. So why am I wasting all of this emotional energy getting nowhere?

Time for a clean slate. The trouble with caring about what others think is it allows a wide open invitation for the Judgys to come in. It is easy for someone to become a Judgy if they haven't walked a mile in your shoes. Change is scary for some people. Plus, what I've noticed on my self care journey thus far this year is that some people fear change in you. They are either intimidated by it, or jealous of it. But that is just my opinion based on my experiences. So, for this girl, it is time to uninvite the Judgys.

So what would I like to accomplish moving forward from here? I want to create new habits for my emotional/mental health well-being. I need to achieve a healthier mental lifestyle by adopting certain practices that will take the place of obsessing about what others think. I need to be mindful of my thoughts so I can easily distract myself. How do I do this? Luckily, this mirrors some things I am already trying with my quest for self care. I have acquired a few new hobbies over the last two months such as card making and decorating vintage dollhouses. These hobbies feed my creative side and keep me plenty busy.

I have always kept a journal of my own life adventures. I can easily convert my journal into to a feelings and self-help journal, or start a fresh journal for just those topics alone. My gratitude journal has inspiring quotes in it, but I need to find some inspirational quotes more specific to my fresh start topic. Self help literature is abundant in my local library and bookstore. I should have no problem finding books on not giving in to the Judgys.

I am dedicated to branching out too, to go outside of my comfort box. I recently read that therapists now offer online services. I think that would be a more comfortable way to uncover where some of my fear of rejection comes from. An added bonus would be to learn some coping strategies when my self-confidence wavers. Along those lines I would like to try meditation. A few friends have had success with that venue.

Since I am home so much during this virus anyway, I am going to increase the activities that have proven to be mind healthy for me personally. I absolutely love to declutter, reorganize, and redecorate my home. It makes me feel euphoric and accomplished which leads to self-confidence. And after all, no one can come over right now to give their opinion anyway, right? Let's face it, the only opinions that truly matter are mine and those who have never judged me in the first place.