A Day With My Father

I barely had a chance to spend quality time with my Father today. I was busy taking care of several things. Lately, I’ve been spending a lot more time with Him at the bookstore. It’s part of my time that I spend with Him. I like to sit down in the café area and have a conversation with Him over coffee and something sweet like a chocolate chip cookie. I like being in this type of environment. It allows me to be around other people, and I’ve struck up a conversation with more than one or two.

The truth of the matter is I’ve been a little discouraged and I found myself in a totally different place. It’s a place that is still a little unfamiliar to me because I’m having to relearn a lot of things about my relationship with my Father. He’s wanting to teach me about intimacy. I’ve admitted to Him that the reason why I don’t always open up to Him is because I have areas where I’ve been hurt and I’m still in need of healing.

He told me that He agrees that I still have things to learn about Him, and healing will require trust on my part and cooperation with Him. He told me this earlier today. He said, “Our relationship is like basketball.” In school, I was comfortable with basketball but I was very much aware of my weaknesses. He said it will take practice for me to get used to the way He thinks and does things.

I think my Father has been feeling some of my concerns lately. And He is slowly but surely making me realize this. That’s why I’m thankful that He has taken the time to teach me about this. Sometimes, I feel completely lost without His guidance. Take for example the other day. I wanted to talk o him about a boy I met. He just smiled and said, “It’s not about you.”

I can’t fall asleep right now, so I’ll just go talk to my Father some more. I shared with Him how I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve been desiring some type of relationship. There are times when I’m out and about and I see people in their respective corners. When I see them, I wonder what they are talking about. I want to ask them what they are smiling about. I want to know what brought them here, and why they are here rather than somewhere else. I want them to open up and share about things that make them unique. I want to talk to them openly, yet I don’t quite have the words. The boy I met was among them. These are some of the things I whisper back to my Father late at night when it’s just Him and me.

Yesterday, my Father shared something interesting with me. He said I needed to pay attention to individuality and what it’s doing in my life. He said depending on the circumstances, it can be a positive or negative thing. He said this is why He had to bring me to a point where I could let go and say, “It’s not about me.” I don’t really know what He means about that. He reassured me that He realizes this is not something that is easy to do, but He will help me along the way. I have to admit that I love being able to have my individuality. I love being able to identify the things that I like and don’t like. I like it when I’m able to put into words what I think or feel. I enjoy being able to get answers and solve problems. I like doing things a certain way and having things be a certain way. I like being able to text a boy, but my Father is asking me to allow Him to work on my individuality. Not to completely throw it out, but to allow Him to work on my individuality with Him. I wonder what individuality means to Him. It doesn’t seem like He has the same definition as I do.

I wonder if I should tell Him about what happened the other day. I don’t know how He will take it. I ran into the boy I met. I texted him a while back. I hope I did it right, but what is the right way? I don't really know why I did it. It was like I needed to tell him. My Father would probably pass out if He found out. He said sometimes, I get so caught up in how I do things that I lose track of how He does things. Moreover, He said the beautiful thing about being able to say, “It’s not about me” is that it draws me closer to Him, and I do want that. I want a closer relationship with my Father.

I’m beginning to understand how important intimacy is to my Father. Once in a while, He likes to tell me, “Let’s spend some time getting to know each other.” I hope He doesn’t mind me spending time with Him this way. Even if I’m playing on my phone while we’re talking. I hope He doesn’t mind whether it’s sitting at the café with me, or late at night when it’s just Him and me.