A confession of Admiration

It's been 10 days since I've written a post like this one. I wrote something I loathe. So I'm writing something I wanted to. I've been thinking a lot about my missed opportunities that I passed up. I didn't understand fully what was going on. I was wrong to say no. I was wrong to turn down the offers. I didn't understand at the time what it meant for you to make them. I did mean what I said. I was attached and nothing could cause me to break that trust, as tempting as it was to do. I have never been treated with such a meaningful intensity. I want that back. I want to know where that was going. I regret not trying to make it work for the extra week you asked for. I regret not meeting again so you could ask me again. Although that one was out of my hands. Checking my schedule against yours, we would have met again in 2020 in Central Park. Maybe. I am far overdue to walk on that Park under the falling leaves. If only I could have made the right choice back then instead of taking the long way round. Then I remembered something from my school days. Letters are an important kind of communication. They connect us through words when the sound of our voices will not carry. There's been a rift since Covid that we all have felt. When I heard how the rift had affected you, I felt a sadness I was all too familiar with but was not mine to bear. I too felt those frustrations from lack of people and friends. Though not the same, it's similar enough to say I can relate to the struggle. Although, I’d wager that we share more common ground than we realize. Because of this rift, this struggle for normality, I've put my emotions in a box. I don't do well in boxes for long. boxes are for thinking. If you live inside a box, you lose your sense of you. which is what started to happen. For a moment I lost myself to the confines of the box. I couldn't see the outside or inside of the box. It was just dark. and that's when I realized I put myself under a set of rules and restrictions that were unreasonable. I resolved myself to go forward and explore what I felt for you. Instead, I boxed it up because I didn't like the possibility of being right. I'd rather be wrong because I can learn. So here I am learning that I need to let go and recycle the box I put myself in. I need to let my emotions live just as freely as I let my logic and creativity live. Even if I never get an opportunity to love you the way I feel I need to, I learned how to live because of my feelings for you. you've given me a gift without ever knowing it. I will never regret love. never. Even if nothing ever comes of it and I end up with someone else, I'll have these gifts of self-realization I would have never found on my own. So for what it's worth, Thank you for teaching me the value of free-range love.

My breath is full of lilacs, lavender, and lupine.

I inhale you - you and the purple flowers on the wind.

I feel dizzy:

you go to my head like wine knowingly indulged in.

My eyes devour the stain of blueberries, boysenberries, huckleberries

on your lips and fingers as you eat:

The soft taste of you as I kiss those juice-painted lips.

Your smile sends me to my knees - a knight before my royal liege,

For you, I can take up arms against the darkness for you are my light

Your majesty, a mountain on the trails we blaze.

My soul:

Glowing in the presence of yours;

A soft, warm, iridescent glow of a being in love.

To me, you are the color of the sky:

The sun rising and setting, every hue.

You are my twilight sky:

Shimmering - glistening - in the light our love creates.

You are an Iris butterfly,

dancing about the lilacs, lavender, and lupine -

So sweet in the ecstasy of us.

You are my Purple Emperor - taking my breath.

You are the Amethyst Starling:

With you, I am alive.