A Church of Abusers

TW: Homophobic Slurs Referenced

I remember constantly being told that gay people were going to hell. That “those f*gs are abominations” and that “tr*nnys are of the devil”. I also remember the sick feeling in my stomach each time I heard those things. Because, according to them, I was going to hell. I was an abomination. I was of the devil.

I am a nonbinary, asexual, aromantic person. LGBTQ+ is beautiful and we are not destined for hell and the devil is not in us just because of who we love or how we identify.

I remember when my chronic illnesses really started taking their toll on my body. I remember being told that if I just prayed harder I would be healed. That, if I just had more faith, I could be fixed. So, I prayed harder, but I wasn’t healed. “You must have done something to be like this”, I was told. But what did I do to deserve this constant pain? All these surgeries? What did I do?

I didn’t do anything. I am a disabled person. That’s all. And disabled people exist regardless of prayers. We deserve to exist. Your prayers do not heal, that is not how this works.

I remember reading the bible. I remember wondering why a good god would kill everyone with a flood, instead of forgive them? I remember asking why god, if he was merciful, would kill all the first born children of Egypt? If god loved us, why send us to hell for not loving him back? I never got an answer, but was always told that god is perfect and don’t question god.

I came to my own conclusions after that. The christian god is not perfect or good. I am now a pagan witch. I remember crying out one night, not to the christian god, but to anything that would listen. And something answered me back. And they listened to me. They showed me that I have a right to be angry about these horrible things I was always told. My anger is not “evil”, it is a part of who I am. They helped me see that, even though I may feel the opposite, I am not weak. I am powerful. I have magick within me.

Alot of people (mostly christians) cannot understand my disdain for christianity and the church, even after hearing all of this. They continue to tell me that their religion stands for love, mercy, and goodness. I know better though. Many people like me have had very similar experiences in the church and now realize the impact it has had on them only after leaving that environment. It’s like leaving an abusive relationship, but only realizing, after leaving, that you were abused. Religious trauma is a form of psychological abuse that brainwashes us into thinking that we are evil and sinful creatures and that we should be, not only ashamed, but fearful of god’s wrath and the punishment of hell. For years, I have fought a war within myself because of this. So much of my depression and anxiety stems from this right here! And, just like an abusive relationship, I continued over the years to return to the abuser, because that was the only thing I really knew. I felt like I needed it and that something was missing out of my life without it. But it wasn’t what was missing. What was missing was what that abuser, the church, the people in it, and christianity, was trying to suppress. The ability for me to be myself fully and unashamed. It’s taken me so long to realize that, and following this new, pagan path has helped me see the truth.

For those of you who are looking for a way out of the abusive relationship that is christianity and the church, I will warn you that it is not an easy fight to be won. But it is possible. I am hopeful for you and I am with you. Blessed be!