A candid piece about my feelings and sexuality

We live in a world where everyone is trying to find a label that describes themselves to make them feel as if they were a part of a group or to give them some clarity. Yet, trying to label me makes me even more lost. When I get asked that whole “So what sexuality are you?” I never know how to answer because the terms that go around my head, Pansexual, Bisexual, DemiSexual and Aromantic, don’t seem to fit.

For the most part, I've dated guys, a range of different guys - sometimes I'm initially attracted to them and other times, I've built my attraction for them over time. I feel that when someone looks conventionally attractive, I might more likely let them talk to me, but it doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to them. I know you look good, but that doesn't mean I want you to bone me. This feeling leads me to class myself as demisexual – this is a term I use now and again to describe myself, but I don't think it's right because how I feel about women is entirely different.

I’ve dated three women - none of the relationships lasted very long because what brought me to them was not the personality like the men but strictly looks. They have to be conventionally attractive, but they have to be good looking - like out of this world, good looking. I'm incredibly shallow when it comes to a woman – I let a lot more things slide when dating a woman. Still, things crumble quickly because connections tend to be based on physical attraction rather than emotional. The best way I would describe it is as if I was watching porn, I could get myself off watching a female fitness models riding some guy as long as I had a decent view of her body; if it were a guy in that situation, I would get bored.

My viewpoint towards dating both sexes made me think - well, maybe I'm pansexual or bisexual, but again, neither of those points are correct. I would much rather have sex with a woman; I'm still quite a novice in that department mainly because of how my attraction works for them. I, however, have no desire for a long term relationship with a woman, simply something strictly physical, which makes me think I'm aromantic in this situation. This leads me confused and makes me think that I am somewhat sexist because I can't picture myself in a romantic relationship with a woman as I can with men. Still, then when it comes to thinking about sex, it is easier for me to think about having sex with a woman (even though my number for that sex is a lot lower) than for men.

I would have sex with a man despite his looks as long as we connected on an emotional level. I would have sex with a woman despite her personality as long as I connected to her on a physical level. I have had relationships with men because of connecting emotionally; I've never had a relationship with a woman because I've only ever thought about sex. I really don’t know what this makes me, and it leads me so lost and confused because I have never met anyone who has these sorts of feelings.

If I were to try and label myself, it would be with men I’m demisexual. Still, with a woman, I’m aromatic, but this makes me feel that I’m caught up in my mind still pushing gender roles, and the only reason I think this way is because I’m brainwashed into thinking that same sex partner don't make long term relationships as I can’t have that traditional picture of a perfect family. I then, however, remember that children are not a desire or need for me. I would happily never have children, but if I met someone who wanted children, I would defiantly hear their viewpoint and consider it. Instead, I would adopt, not a baby but someone a little older who has been in the system.

All these feelings lead me confused about my sexuality, but I'm okay with that, and I'm okay not labelling myself. We are all different, and we shouldn't feel the need to put everyone in a box to fit society's standards.