9 Year Later, And Still Not Over It

The wrench and anguish of an abruptly dissolved relationship can be enough to cause many people to crumple up into a ball and hide for months from the world, others it can make explode into fits of rage of rage and violence, others still have this chronic compulsion to find a new relationship as soon as their old one ends. All are relatively normal ways to deal with the death of a a particular relationship. In the case of a divorce, that relationship carries many additional complications often including kids and assets and child support and alimony, dividing up of shared friend groups and dividing up personal items, finding a new place to live, learning to acknowledge the failures that lead to divorce, and gaining a certain stigma, even if it is self impose. Being married young and filing divorce within 4 years leaves a lot of life to live out as a failure in love.

I neither planned to, nor did I anticipate, having to live life as a singular soul in a sea of couples upon filing for divorce when it was my only path forward. Perhaps what made the abruption so much more significant to me was that I felt that it was not only something I did not want to have to do but also something I had no choice in doing, almost as though it was being done to me even though I had to summon the strength to do it. It sucked. The process of filings and motions and lawyers and attorney's fees and court hearings bottled up dread within me that nearly matched the twin bottle of filled with sense of loss and failure in having to resort to this process. That was all almost 9 years ago, the appeals and motions for modification are also seemingly in the rear view, even though not as distantly.

How Does A Person Cope?

Immediately after getting the final divorce and custody agreement, there is often this sense of finality for people, this idea that one chapter has ended and another can open, that is often just a huge myth. In my case, significantly so, as there were years of appeals and motions for modification, constant specters sitting over your shoulder as you go to work, try to raise a child, and keep your head above water in a world that is not financially designed to allow a single parent to work, have time to spend with their child, and afford all the bills at the same time. The weight of life, including battling cancer in my case, while actively dealing with a new divorce can be a lot. Every upcoming hearing and every motion filed was another lodestone pulling me down. How'd I cope? Perfectly to the outside world.

Not keeping alcohol in the house post divorce was intentional (I never had a problem with excessive drinking, but I both did not want one and could not afford the illusion that their may be one while continuing to defend against appeals and motions). Drugs were never a problem for me. Chronic rages and taking things out on those around me was not my outlet. In truth, my outlet was trying to put my attention and focus all on the child I fought so hard to parent, to give that child all that I could give it, and leave no question that the work was being put in (I hope my child does not end up with a complex). To the outside world, I might have looked like I had it all put together. Child well cared for, keeping a job that paid just enough to pay the bills, and keeping the bills mostly paid on time. I kept hoodwinking myself that I had everything I needed, that all was near perfection.

Dating?

For a very long time I made my focus in life my child, who lives with me the majority of the time, I worked my 40 hour a week day jobs, and did some sideline work to make ends met, and told myself that there simply was not time to date or to even think about it. I had a couple friends who I rarely had enough time to spend with and convinced myself that there was no way to make time to introduce new people to my life. I was contented that because I fought so hard for custody that I really should not be electively leaving my child with an evening baby sitter so that I could meet new people or go on dates, that delusion worked for way longer than it should have. I thought about dating a few years after I got divorced, went on a date or two when my daughter was with her mother for the occasional weekend, but I was not making myself available to date, finding I did not have enough time to create real space for a relationship, having trouble making schedules work because mine were limited and available times often distant. During the nights when my daughter was home (most of the time), she was always the priority and I found little time to chat or call or text. So I tabled it.

Recently, I got to a point where my child was almost old enough to stay home alone for the night (almost there, not quite), was a teen and would not spend nearly the same amount of time in the same room as me as they once did, I had to either admit there was another reason why I was avoiding dating or start dating. So, when my child was with their mother's on a weekend I finally went on a real adult date, did all the things that are done on an adult date, and it was with someone I had known for quite a while in other circumstances so it ended the way a lot of adult dates end. But after that date, not the morning after but after she had left and gone back to her life, I was again left asking why was there this screaming inside that this won't work, that this can't be something that happens, that I can't date this woman. Very shortly after said date, Covid happened. Leaving me to not having to date for a long while.

What Has Covid Taught Me About My Little Secret?

First, it got me to admit it. I had used excuses like limited time and having other things to do, and protecting my child from having women come into and then quickly out of their life to avoid admitting the truth. In the echoing silence that Covid created, especially with a teen who was supposed to be privately doing school work, the truth bubbled up. The feelings of loss and betrayal, failure of duty and failure to succeed at something that many people do quite well welled up until they were unmistakable. I had to admit that the reason I could not date was that I was too afraid to betrayed the way I had been previously betrayed and was concerned that I had failed at one and might be unable to succeed at any lasting relationship and was not yet over my divorce. Though they had been bottled for many years, there were whispers that they were there from time to time, whispers that were quieted by taking on a part time project while my child was at their mother's and blocked out while trying to make all focus in life being the best parent possible. But with that child becoming a teen and Covid removing much of the distractions in life, I could not deny it.

Why share now? Simply, I finally admitted it to myself, something I was most definitely not doing before. Making it even more real to myself by sharing seems like it may be a good place to start overcoming this reality that I must accept. I am still not over my divorce. Covid is another excuse not to try at a new relationship, but it also creates space in the world to fix what is broken and to grow. First step is admitting to you one's own self, now that I am there, and am finding the strength to admit it to the world, perhaps I can take a few steps toward overcoming it.