8 Tips for a Lasting Relationship, Say This Not That

According to psychologist, author, and marriage expert John Gottman, there's one conversation that is critically important to a couple's happiness and it's not about the relationship. It's what he calls the stress-reducing conversation.

It's the conversation the couple have at the end of the day when they have time for each other. What they say matters and what they don't say matters more.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

It was Gottman who identified the negative communication styles that he referred to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse; the destructive comments we make.

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

When we first meet the love of our life, we are full of hormone-driven excitement. Oxytocin floods our body and our desire drives us to get that person into bed.

We gaze lovingly into their eyes, show empathy, and build positive memories. We confirm our love by conscious compliments, close contact, and sex.

Subconsciously, we place them on a pedestal, release pheromones and spike our dopamine levels so we see everything about them through rose-coloured spectacles.

After a while, our body becomes attuned to these effects and our eagerness dissipates. When our ardour isn't ruling our head, life takes over. Living with anyone, no matter how easy-going they are, requires compromise.

Sometimes that compromise is a sacrifice, and only the most spiritual of us don't have a niggling resentment for the sacrifices we make. That can lead us to say things we shouldn't say:

• Criticism: - "You're getting fat."
• Contempt: - "The more I know you, the more I wish I didn't."
• Defensiveness: - "I do my fair share around the house!"
• Stonewalling: - "I'll get around to it… you don't have to nag me every six months."

Gottman missed the fifth horseman: sarcasm

"Really!" said John Gottman.

If you can avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and sarcasm, you are halfway there.

Gottman gave us tips to follow.

Gottman's 8 Rules

1 - Take turns

Let your partner talk, then your partner should let you talk.

Don't say:

"For fuck's sake! You think you've got problems?"

2 - Don't give unsolicited advice

Let your partner talk about their problems. Empathise: pay attention, listen, nod, give an encouraging smile.

Don't say:

"Why don't you just kick your boss in the balls?"

3 - Show genuine interest

Put down your phone, stop staring at the TV, make eye contact, drag yourself away from that fascinating Medium article.

Don't say:

"What are you drivelling about now?"

4 - Communicate your understanding

Echo what they are saying. Sometimes this requires nothing more than repeating their last three words. Summarise a lengthy explanation to check your understanding.

Don't say:

"I don't have a fucking clue what is going on in that head of yours."

5 - Take your partner's side

No matter what problem it is or who it is with or whether you disagree with their stance, take their side. What is more important to you, being right or your partner's feelings?

Don't say:

"Well, your boss has a point. You can be a stupid turnip at times."

6 - Cement your relationship

Frame it as a 'them against us' attitude. Show you are in it together. No matter what happens, you'll always have each other.

Don't say:

"You're on your own, doll."

7 - Express your love for them

Spread your arms wide and welcome them into your bosom. Hold them. Give them a hug and a kiss. Tell them how much they mean to you.

Don't say:

"Yeah, okay. What's for dinner?"

8 - Validate their emotions

Tell them it is okay for them to feel what they are feeling. They have every right to be upset/angry/annoyed. When on their emotional rollercoaster, you should be their seatbelt.

Don't say:

"Tell me all about it when I get back from the pub."

When couples argue

They get angrier and angrier, louder and louder. Yelling and screaming.

"You always…"

"You never…"

"Your family…"

Attacking the person and not the action or the behaviour. Old complaints rear their head. Previous battles repeat themselves. One attacks, the other defends and then it switches, defence turns into an attack.

Hackles rise. Neither hears the other. Each hooked on being right.

What does it serve? There are no winners in an argument.

It takes a strong character and a liberal dose of emotional intelligence to override an adrenalin-fuelled couple crash.

Only the self-assured are wise enough to respond, "I'm sure some of what you say is true, darling. Now, would you like a cup of tea?"