7 Early and Overlooked Signs of a Toxic Relationship

This article was previously published on Medium.

Recently, I had cut ties with a guy I started dating because it was a train wreck of a budding relationship, to say the least. I felt like I was the star of my own Lifetime movie and this new man was the ominous antagonist.

Upon meeting this guy on a dating app (let’s call him “Derek”) Derek and I immediately hit it off. We had several obscure things in common to the point where I thought fate might have brought us together. We were born on the same day an hour apart from each other, had similar upbringings, and we both slept with a stuffed otter animal at night when we got anxious. Unfortunately, that euphoric state didn’t last long.

What started off to be a dream quickly became one of the worst encounters I’ve ever had in my dating life. Derek seemed to have flipped a switch from once being sensitive and compassionate to manipulative and bad-tempered. In the heat of an argument, I finally ended things between us, and I am now breathing sighs of relief looking back and knowing I avoided what could have been the most toxic and unhealthy relationship I have encountered so far in my adult life.

The following list is the signs I saw that could also point to early signs of a toxic or unhealthy relationship that I encountered.

1. Controlling Behaviors and Tendencies

Does your new partner always want to be in touch with you 24/7? Do they always want to keep tabs on where you are at all times? Does your partner allow and forbid who you’re allowed to hang out with?

Then chances are, they’re purposely trying to be controlling.

If a new partner is trying to control you, it could point to an early sign of an abusive relationship as well, but alone is toxic in any relationship. A healthy relationship should be equal for both parties and one person shouldn’t be superior to the other. If a partner is trying to control your life and all of your actions, it’s time to leave the relationship.

2. You Feel Like You've Met "The Love of Your Life"

As much as I hate to say this is true, some things really are too good to be true. While not every potential partner you meet that you get along with is going to be toxic, it’s still something to keep in mind.

People who are masters at manipulation will come off immediately as being charming, amorous, and likable. These people want you to go home from your first date together with butterflies in your stomach, your head in the clouds, and your mind on your potential future together. They want you to think they are the only person you need from now on.

Someone toxic wants you to be enamored with them quickly so you can become attached to them earlier. This way, leaving or ending the relationship, later on, will become more difficult for you, so it’s best to get out as early while it still hurts less.

3. They Require Your Attention 24/7

Another overlooked sign of an unhealthy or toxic relationship is if your new beau is constantly in need of attention and maintenance. Whether they want you to be readily available to text them back or the excessive reassurance that you will always be there for them, they will suck you dry of your energy.

For example, Derek would become short-tempered when I didn’t reply to his text messages in under five minutes, even if they're no necessary reason for me to respond. Eventually, I developed the habit of continuing the conversation regardless if I was busy doing something else or not. Getting a message from Derek was always a ticking time bomb and another way he was controlling me. Soon enough, he was required to be on my radar all of the time whether I liked it or not.

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be your own person and have your own aspects of your life to yourself. When these are taken over by your partner, they have now monopolized your life with their presence.

4. They Move The Relationship Too Fast

I was told ‘I love you' after one week and asked about marriage the week after. The week after that one, I was asked if I was interested in going on a "big vacation" soon and if I would be ready to have kids our first year after college.

Needless to say, I was overwhelmed, scared, and uncomfortable.

Always be cautious of the people that are in a rush to move the relationship forward. What are their real intentions? Why do they want to lock you in so early? Anyone who initiates a relationship to move faster than it naturally should is usually a red flag.

5. You Constantly Feel Like You're Walking On Eggshells

No relationship is a good one if you’re actively making an effort to avoid tension and confrontation with your partner most of the time. Avoiding to set off your partner shouldn’t be an issue if they were actually understanding and healthy to communicate serious issues with.

Not only is this another form of controlling behavior, but it also will always leave you unsatisfied in your budding relationship. Any problems (right or wrong) you have with your partner you have to accept and can never be brought up with them. Most likely, the reason for this is you know it’s going to start an argument.

This neglected tension can only lead to something bad. If you don’t feel safe or comfortable enough to address your issues, it may be best to leave the relationship.

6. You're Constantly Betraying Yourself

If you’re constantly bending over backward for someone you’re dating at your own expense, it’s only a one-way ticket to a tumultuous relationship. Relationships should be about learning how to compromise, not change yourself completely for the other person.

Self-betrayal can come in certain forms of not setting firm boundaries, putting your partner’s best interest first, and changing yourself to satisfy your partner’s beliefs. Once you are no longer able to authentically be yourself in a relationship, it’s no longer healthy or providing any benefits.

7. Your Partner Always Jumps to (Negative) Conclusions

One of the quickest and most effective ways to kill a relationship is miscommunication. More specifically, an easy way to have communication malfunctions is when one person jumps to another one's conclusions.

“Jumping to conclusions” is a huge weakness for any kind of relationship, but especially a romantic one. If your partner is always assuming negative things about you before knowing all of the information, chances are they experience a lot of cognitive distortions (or negative thoughts that provoke negative emotions).

In addition to his constant need of getting text message responses back, Derek was always guilty of jumping to conclusions. Many of my messages to him would get lost in translation through technology and always be there to spark a new fight. A partner is not going to be healthy for you if they’ll listen to their own irrational thoughts before they’ll listen to you.

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The best thing you can do as soon as you recognize any early signs of being in an unhealthy or toxic relationship is to get out of the situation as soon as possible. Whether it’s one minor sign or two, or a whirlwind of toxic signals, it is more important to keep yourself safe before hurting someone else’s feelings.