5 Ways To Be An A+ Girlfriend

Being in a relationship with someone whom you share both an intellectual and intimate connection is one of the greatest treasures in life. And we must remember that it's one not everyone gets the chance to experience in this lifetime.

But when shit hits the fan, as it always does because this is real life, it's essential that we are able to handle conflict without getting up in arms. And while remaining as the A+ girlfriend I know that you are or will be, there are various aspects of behavior that fall under the category of being great.

Living to please your partner is NOT the way I suggest you be great, as this will have lots of short-term and long-term negative effects on your mental health, coping abilities, and feelings of self-worth.

I've lived through the trial and errors of navigating the dating game, probably since middle school. I've been left in tears many a time, and thoughts of what I "coulda, shoulda, woulda" done to prove x, y, and z to former partners.

I was once in an emotionally abusive relationship but thankfully got dumped before I was forced into sexual acts I wasn't yet ready for. At the time I hadn't learned that living to please wasn't the best idea. I had no idea how to set a boundary with someone I cared for.

I refrained from dying my hair to please past partners, wore certain clothes per their requests, and agreed to try "anything once" on multiple occasions and with various partners. As a millennial woman who was raised in a society that serves to please (white) men, my attitudes and actions didn't really feel out of the ordinary. In time I accumulated a fat portfolio of things I would never do again, among that which contributes to being a great girlfriend.

Know Your Worth

Learning how to say no, particularly to your partner seems like an impossible task for many. Knowing your worth can mean turning down sexual relations when you don't feel like it or aren't ready yet. It can mean setting aside "you-time" even when your partner isn't happy about it. It could mean investing time in a hobby that your partner doesn't support. Most importantly, it is about setting boundaries, being unafraid to say no and stick to it, individual independence and autonomy, and sharing when something hurts.

I consider knowing your worth an umbrella term with various facets that basically includes everything in this listicle.

1. Set expectations of one another from day one.

This is a courageous act and one that many couples feel they needn't engage in. Maybe it's because they have excellent communication between one another, love each other deeply, etc. Sure, this may be the case, but setting boundaries is a mature thing to do and a proactive way to avoid future conflict and heartache.

For example, before my ex-boyfriend and I started officially dating, I blatantly asked him what expectations he had for me. He was taken aback since he had never been in a serious relationship before and assumed what I was asking was a little bit strange and even scary.

I explained to him the importance of it and he quickly came to understand the value of the practice. He came up with expectations for me that I wouldn't have come up with myself. This included refraining from sharing intimate details about our relationship with my now ex-best friend who also happens to be his first cousin. (That's how we met.) Obviously this is a perfectly reasonable request, but certainly one I would have overlooked if he hadn't mentioned it to me.

Setting expectations isn't about being a hardass. It's about telling your SO what's important to you, inclusive of dealbreakers, etc. For example, a dealbreaker for me is having a potential partner who doesn't support female reproductive rights and is essentially anti-choice. (This is a discussion for another time.) He didn't have a strong opinion on the topic but was in favor of pro-choice. Despite this, my ex-boyfriend was not vegan, and although veganism encapsulates a huge part of my life, it was not a dealbreaker for me to have an omni boyf.

If you are entering your first serious relationship and you aren't sure about what expectations to have, Google and Youtube are your friends. I know it might sound silly, but we have all googled the answers to our troubles at one point or another.

For me, I specifically recall scouring the best dating coaches on Youtube like Matt Hussey in an effort to become more emotionally intelligent. And in time, I learned a lot from him and others simplified into what I'm sharing with you today.

2. Set boundaries, even when it's uncomfortable.

No means no. It doesn't matter if it's about sex, attending a party, or being shamed for your values or morals. If you tell your partner you don't want to do something and you feel you are being reasonable, then stick to your guns. It's rather easy to be manipulated by someone you share romantic endeavors with and not realize they are emotionally manipulating you in order to get what they want. We have all worn our rose-colored glasses at one time or another.

I don't promote holding tightly onto refusal in regards to compromise and a healthy give and take dynamic. For example, your partner accompanies you to the beach one day, (which they would rather not to) and then request a hiking date, which you'd rather not do. You should probably go hiking with them. Compromise is important, and it helps to build a stronger relationship both in the short-term and long-term.

When I refer to setting boundaries I mean about people, events, or things that are truly out of your comfort zone, make you feel unsafe, cause you mental or physical distress, etc. You get the idea.

3. Share how you're feeling, especially when something upsets you.

Don't expect them to be a mind reader. Say what's on your mind and don't just let things go that truly upset you. If you are in a relationship where you find yourself choosing your battles because they are so frequent, perhaps you can reevaluate whether you're gaining more than you're losing from this partnership.

Or perhaps your partner has yet to experience certain things and is simply unsure of how to act, what to say, or what is appropriate behavior. Don't hold this against them. We all learn in our own time. After all, I was a virgin until I was 22, but no one ever made me feel bad about it. Teach them aspects about what it means to be in a healthy relationship if they don't know it yet.

4. Be vulnerable.

Be open to feeling your emotions. Don't be scared to have deep pillow-talk-type conversations about the meaning of life, a belief in a higher power, the existence of the soul, aliens - all types of deep and/or crazy shit. Open your mind and share even the wackiest ideas with your partner. I do this with friends by default and always find value in my exchange with them.

Warning: I'm a bit of a hippy and my college friends are, too. Sometimes we'll chat about ancestral traumas, plant medicine, astral projection, lucid dreaming, veganism, the meaning of life, psychedelics, the preponderance of existence, shamanic breathing techniques, and more. Don't judge me, it's cool stuff!

Talk about things you like, find interest in, want to learn more about, or absolutely have no opinion are. That's how we grow as people. Don't be afraid to admit when you don't have a strong opinion on something and are frankly ignorant of the subject.

For me, it is gun laws and gun rights, whereas my ex-boyfriend was a proponent of open carry and had even taken me to my first shooting range. He taught me about different laws across the states, why he feels the way he does, and even the history behind some of the guns he has.

Although I don't know much about guns, I incorporate my passions and life experiences into the conversations. For example, we had a great discussion about trophy hunters, which obviously as a vegan I'm against, and he is too.

We spoke about hunting for survival as they still do in many modern-day tribes and other parts of the world where it is a necessity and engrained in the culture, and we find a middle ground between the two of our opinions.

Being vulnerable doesn't have to mean getting emotional. To me, it means sharing our most personal thoughts, even if some are highly political or of unpopular opinion. By doing this with the intent of learning how your partner perceives and interprets various ideologies, you will find your bond grow closer.

This is true even if you happen to disagree. I am a liberal and my ex-boyfriend was a major Trump supporter. Yet somehow, we found middle ground on a large variety of topics, understood each other's points of view, and were compatible.

5. Be independent.

You lived without them once, and you can certainly maintain your autonomy while being a part of a fulfilling romantic relationship. Don't be clingy, you have plenty to do. Stop texting all day - go be a productive human.

Spend time with friends since your partner is not the only person who adds value to your life. Give yourself the chance to enjoy you-time without your partner. Find fulfillment in your day-to-day life by working toward long-term goals and accomplishing things that make you happy.

You can do this with or without your partner, obviously. The point is that you should still find enjoyment in doing things you like, even when you are alone.

Way back in high school, acting needy was the norm for me. I simply didn't know any better yet. I was deliberately clingy because I thought that was an appropriate way to show my affection. I was obsessed with my first boyfriend and my attachment eventually evolved into controlling behavior.

I wanted to do anything I could with him (even be with him while he got a haircut) and started seeing my friends significantly less. When we broke up, I had a difficult time adjusting my day-to-day schedule because a huge chunk of it involved him in some form or another.

In time, I reclaimed my independence and decided that I needed to find happiness in myself. I learned that if a specific thing or person, in this case, brought me happiness, then there was the chance that whatever was making me happy could be taken away. I decided I wanted to be happy for no reason at all. That changed me and help me become a better version of myself, and essentially a lot more independent.

So if you ever question whether you are acting as a great girlfriend, dig a little deeper inside and remember that you are worthy. By knowing your worth and living your life that way, you will exude love and only attract the best partners to you who treat you the way you deserve.

Wishing you long-lasting romantic endeavors filled with healthy love, lots of vulnerability, and of course, potent sexy time.

Xo, Susie

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