5 Things Women Look For in Men

I watched the Mel Gibson movie What Women Want ten times and I finally understood what women want and need to be happy in a relationship. So I created a list to help all you guys out there who are hoping to find and fall in love with a woman.

But be warned this list is only for women who want men. If you are a woman who is into other women then this list may not work for you because Mel Gibson didn’t quite explain what happens if the dynamics are different. Instead, you might want to watch Better Than Chocolate.

In the subtitle, I mention I possess none of the qualities. That is not entirely true. I would say I possess a 0.5 in intelligence and 0.5 in sense of humor, so I guess I am one for five. Not bad. How do you rate on the want-ability scale?

1. Height

This is a big one or I guess a tall one. I don’t exactly know the reason why all women want tall guys. It’s not just tall women but all women. Even the shortest of short girls who need super high heels and a pillow just to reach the gas pedal in their mini cooper has a tall boyfriend.

Sometimes I see these petite girls walking with their behemoth guys and am reminded of Sully the giant blue monster walking hand in hand with the little girl Boo.

What is it about tall guys that give them an automatic advantage in the dating world? Is it because they can reach higher shelves, can maneuver through a crowded street and see where they are going, or can stand anywhere in a concert hall and still see the stage?

There is the obvious myth that their male parts are bigger but could that really be the only reason? When I was in the change room at my local gym, my 6’4” friend was drying off. Maybe he is the outlier but there wasn’t much there.

In all my years as a short man dating, I must say I am often overlooked. Mostly because I am stuck behind a tall guy at the bar. And I can never try to pick up women while sitting down as when we stand up to get a drink or dance, I can see the disappointment in their eyes.

But that being said, the good news is there are always women shorter than you. If you can’t find one in your neighborhood, try Nagpur, India, the hometown of the Guinness Records world’s shortest woman.

2. Career

Women are very attracted to careers. Usually, because a man with a good career has money. And money means security. The more successful a man is the better his chances of attaining his choice of a female partner.

When I first heard that women crave security, I spent all my money on a dog. He is really well trained and guards my one-room apartment. No postman, door-to-door salesman, or person touting religion is safe when my dog is standing by waiting to chomp on any intruder’s niblets.

But after watching that wonderful movie I keep bringing up, Mel Gibson really set me straight. Obviously, women want guys who make enough money to buy fancy apartments, fashionable clothes, sporty cars, and hipster coffee.

And having a career that requires world travel, meetings with clients, conferences, and an office that allows you to bring pets, take 3-hour lunches to go to the gym, and get a massage only confirms that a guy is ripe for the picking.

But it’s not impossible to get a girl if you aren’t rich

I am an elementary school English teacher with a one-room apartment and a bicycle with a shopping basket. So obviously there aren’t many single ladies at my door waiting for me to put a ring on it. I don’t have a car, nor brand name clothing, and am also fat and bald.

But, I teach and speak English. My skill in English and career as an English teacher enable me to get girls. I just date girls who don’t know what I am saying and just assume I am successful.

So even if you are not rich and don’t have a sought-after career like a rock star or Uber driver, just use what you have.

3. Confidence

This really might be the biggest one on the list because it can be used in all the other sections as well. Confidence can show girls you have a happy and good life. There are so many things that people don’t like about their appearance or life but exuding confidence overpowers those negatives and turns them into sought-after traits.

For example, look at Santa Claus. He is fat, hairy, wears a red suit, and runs a sweatshop. But despite all that, there are tons of women who would love to get their stockings stuffed by him.

There is a girl out there for you no matter how terrible you are as a person. As long as you use your confidence to turn that turd into a…shiny turd.

• If you are old, you can pass as dignified and wise.
• If you are ugly, you can be considered masculine and raw
• If you live with your mother, you are a caring family man
• If you live in the basement of your parent’s home, you are frugal and efficient.
• If you wear the same clothes every day, you can be environmentally conscious and a minimalist.
• If you smell, you can be compelling with a strong genetic code
• If you are bald, you are sleek and smooth

• If you are hairy, you are rugged and masculine

Remember, the first three letters of confidence are CON so all you need to do is convince people of that.

4. Intelligence

There’s a reason why Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, and Pauly Shore, were able to use their minds to create innovative and one-of-a-kind contributions to the world. Bill Gates gave us Windows and Microsoft arguably one of the most important creations in computer technology. Einstein gave us E = mc2 and the atom bomb. And Pauly Shore gave us Encino Man and Son in Law. All equally valuable fabrics in the material of society.

These men and others who possess brilliant minds and breakthrough creations get more than good grades and lots of money. They also get girls.

The quality of intelligence shows women that a man will be able to lead, overcome obstacles, and come out successful. Using their wit and genius, these men are adept at not only excelling in their careers but presenting an image of knowledge and enlightenment.

Obviously, no girl wants to be smarter than her partner. If a girl can finish a crossword, build an IKEA shelf, or calculate the tip required at The Cheesecake Factory before a guy, he is virtually useless to her.

So if you weren’t born a genius or even with a mediocre IQ, I am here to tell you there are ways you can still become smarter than a girl and therefore be more intelligent in her eyes. And it requires no studying or going back to school.

Rather than becoming more intelligent, the easiest way is to make girls less intelligent. How do you do that? Simple. Some things that are known to make people dumber are reality TV shows, social media, marijuana, lack of sleep, stress, and fluoride.

So to get the girl of your dreams, just get her addicted to the Life with the Kardashians show, have her tweet about the show every day at all hours of the night and give her water pumped with fluoride (aka tap water) in a fancy water bottle. Then give her weed brownies and call the police and report seeing a weed garden in her living room. That will really stress her out.

And voila, you now have a high, stressed out, tired, social media and reality show addict killing brain cells with every sip waiting to be coupled. You’re welcome.

5. Sense of Humor

The last and sometimes overlooked feature is men who have a sense of humor. Girls love guys who make them laugh. Laughing is the closest to orgasm the body gets to actual orgasm. So it’s no wonder so many comedy clubs and movie theaters have sticky floors.

And girls also get a shot of happiness syrup (serotonin) that flows from their brain down their spine and into their girly parts. If you can make a girl laugh, you are virtually already in her pants. Why do you think such suave guys like Louis C.K., Jerry Seinfeld, and Adam Sandler get all the hot women? It’s not just their smoking hot bodies and chiseled facial features. It’s the fact that they can make girls pee themselves laughing. And any reaction a guy can cause in a girl’s pants is a good one.

Laughter heals all but it also distracts girls while you are unhooking their bra

But some will argue, people are naturally born with a sense of humor. Others will say it’s a choice. I don’t know who is right but all I can do is speak from experience. I was born boring. I never cried much as a child. Nor was I animated or particularly cute in any way. I just basically lay there until I could crawl. Then I crawled and hid under a table until I could walk. Then I walked into a playground and sat in the sandbox picking at the dirt.

I didn’t have friends, an interest in sports, or any hobbies. I didn’t even really like or have toys. I just sat in my room staring at the ceiling until I fell asleep.

But look at me now! I have two friends, wear ironic t-shirts like the one I am wearing now that says “Sometimes You Win” while writing articles about love, crime, history, culture, and poop. And most importantly, I get dates. And a lot of it is because of my humor.

I am able to go up to girls and make a fool of myself without fear of rejection or shame. And where some guys go up to girls and offer to buy drinks, show off their body, fashion, jobs, or wit. I usually go up to girls and ask them if they have any Skittles. I then spend a few minutes talking about how each color of Skittle has a surprisingly distinct but subtle taste. And the mixing of two different Skittle colors in the mouth at the same time can provide such an aromatic and delectable sensation to the palate.

Usually, girls either ignore, walk away, or on rare occasions push me away. But every once in 700 times, I get a number. And every once in 30 of those numbers, I get a real number. And every 3 of those 30 answer their phone. And one is usually willing to meet up. And that’s all it takes. Just one girl out of 700 approaches to make it all worth it.

I guess what I am trying to say with this article is that despite not having the main traits that females seek in men, you can still scrape the leftovers and hope for the best. My father says it best when he reminisced about his first meeting, dating, coupling, and eventual marriage with my mother,

“Beggars can’t be choosers”

I have lived by those words all my life. And you should too if you want any satisfaction from life whether it be family, friends, career or love.

This article by me also appears here: https://medium.com/muddyum/5-things-women-look-for-in-men-55220029821c