5 Mistakes My Exes Made That Slowly Broke Me

I have lots of fond memories with my exes. Sunset kissed laughter, stealing glances across the room, sending sweet text messages at 3 AM.

There are reasons why our relationships ended with breakups, though.

Some of them were my fault. The ones I mention here were mostly things they did to me. I’m not writing this to bring up dirt from the past or get back at them, however — what’s done is done, we’ve all moved on and have hopefully become better partners in the course of time.

Now that I’m currently in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever experienced, I can clearly see why I feel so supported and loved in comparison to how my exes made me feel.

For me, these four things are essential for a relationship to work out, which is one of the reasons why my past ones didn’t. It serves as an inspiration to do better, not a list of shame.

We all make mistakes. Let’s learn from them.

They weren’t upfront

I was stuck in a relationship for a year with a guy who didn’t love me anymore.

He didn’t want to hurt me, and he probably felt very confused about his emotions, yet by staying with me, he hurt me more.

When he finally broke up with me, it was one of the best things he’s ever done for me. Sad but true.

I could never dig out his real opinions on the current situation or dynamics of the relationship. I didn’t know what his future plans for us were and he was rarely the one to set up dates. He was just rolling with the flow of time, waiting for a miracle or for my love to slowly fizzle out.

Well, it didn’t. The more avoidant he was, the more anxious and clingy I became, which only made him more distant. It was a vicious circle of a relationship slowly falling apart, with no clear communication about what was going on.

Be upfront with your partners. If you’re confused, say so. Talk about your expectations, plans, feelings. Your partner needs to know where they’re standing. Are they supposed to count on you? Include you in their goals for the future?

Even if you don’t say anything, they’ll feel that something is off. And it’ll eat at them in a much worse way than if you just talked to them.

If you break them slowly by being silent about what you want, it will be much more painful than one sharp cut.

They didn’t believe in my dreams

When I told my first boyfriend I wanted to go study abroad in a few years, he laughed at me. He didn’t take me seriously.

When I asked him if he was scared about the possibility of having a long-distance relationship one day because of my studies, he simply said, “I know you’d choose me. Your university is nothing compared to me.”

Uhm.

It’s my third year at a university abroad and this guy is long buried in the past.

The main reason why he said this, apart from being arrogant, was that he simply didn’t believe in my dream. He didn’t think it’d be an issue because he was sure I wouldn’t make the dream come true.

Always let your partner know that you believe in them and their goals. Show them your endless support, and they will feel encouraged. It’s a wonderful thing to know that your partner roots for you and has no doubt about your abilities to finish the marathon, no matter how long it takes.

Plus, what’s a relationship worth if your partner doesn’t count on your potential to manifest your wishes into reality? There needs to be mutual respect for each other’s reliability and power to have something to show for your work.

They didn’t tell me they loved me

My favourite love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch.

Everyone has their own preferred love language. It’s completely okay to show your love by little gestures, touches or gifts instead of words.

You don’t need to say I love you ten times a day. You don’t have to say it at all if both parties prefer to show their love by other means.

However, the little things often count in relationships. The smallest thing you can do for somebody without any effort is to use your words to make them feel loved, wanted and reassured.

With one of my long-term ex-boyfriends, I never knew where I stood. He didn’t tell me he loved me in more than half a year. He didn’t say, “I want you.” He didn’t compliment me, didn’t show any interest whatsoever apart from smiling at me, having sex with me and accepting my cuddles with gentleness.

His general avoidant behaviour and his complete lack of reassurance led to me asking him one evening, “Do you like me?”

To which he responded with a smile and a hug, “I love you.”

And as he hugged me, I didn’t believe him. I wasn’t sure he believed it himself.

A month later, he finally broke up with me, only confirming that he did indeed lie. As much as he wanted it to be true, it wasn’t.

Of course, that’s slightly different. It was better for him not to say lies on a regular basis than to be quiet.

However, the way this behaviour made me feel was horrible. My current partner often tells me he loves me and how beautiful I am. It’s an effortless confirmation that we’re still on the same page, and it makes me feel safe and loved.

If you truly do love your partner and appreciate them, make sure to tell them from time to time. It can make a real difference in the long run.

They mocked me

My first boyfriend always laughed at me, mocked me and highlighted my imperfections.

There’s a difference between banter and hiding mean words behind jokes.

His behaviour made me feel like I wasn’t desirable, interesting nor smart. As his ego grew, I was getting smaller. He enjoyed putting me down to feel better about himself and to make me feel like he did me a great service by being with me.

Another ex sometimes said how much he appreciated me throughout the years, yet when it came down to it, he had more bad things to say about me on daily basis than the good ones. It might have been an analysis of my behaviour which he tinted in a slightly bad light or a simple, “You’re tragic,” and a facepalm.

He hid lots of his critics of me behind jokes, making it almost impossible for me to call him out on it.

If your partner judges you, mocks you or has more bad things to say about you than the positive ones, they’re probably not worth it.

And if you like joking and making slightly mean banter, make sure to balance this out by pointing out your partner’s good qualities.

They didn’t make me feel understood

I always felt like when I brought up a problem in the relationship, I was just being a drama queen.

The eye-rolls, long silences and smirks were good enough proof.

When you make your partner’s problem look like a small irrelevant issue that they’re uselessly blowing up, they’ll retreat into themselves.

They’ll get more upset.

And then they’ll stop discussing it because they don’t want to make even a bigger fool of themselves. What ensues is a silent bomb.

Tick, one issue, silence. Tick, another issue, silence.

It bubbles underneath the surface. Until one day… it erupts.

There are only so many issues that people can store within themselves before letting it all out. There are only so many silences that people endure before they tell themselves, “If I told my partner, it would make no difference. It’s better to pack my bags and leave.”

When your partner comes to you with an issue, always have an open mind. Try to understand how they feel and what you could do to make the situation better.

Partners are supposed to support each other and solve issues together. Don’t let them drown in it on their own. Offer a helping hand.

These are, of course, only some of the essential things you need to make a relationship last and have it be a source of happiness rather than stress.

I have them all now, and my relationship is 100% better for it.

This article was originally published here.