5 Little Things Even Your Dream Partner Will Fail at in a Relationship

“He is the love of my life!”

I have found myself saying these words on more than one occasion. Growing up until my late 20s, I had quite a few loves of my life.

They were all perfect in my eyes — until they weren’t.

Being a true romantic at heart, I yearned for that elusive fairytale romance. The kind involving princes and grandiose gestures — the kind that would make me want the ground to swallow me up if it happened in real life. And while all my relationships started with a perfectly written “Once upon a time…” it never ended with a happily ever after.

My idea of the perfect romantic partner was pretty skewed, as I came to realize later on.

Re-examining my relationships made me realize I had certain expectations from my partner that they couldn’t fulfil, no matter how great of a person they were.

1. They Cannot Be Your All

Something that always fascinated me about love was having that one person in your life who meant everything to you.

I wanted my boyfriend to be my lover, my best friend, my therapist, my partner-in-crime, my drinking buddy, my parent….. the list had no end. And I wanted to be his all as well. I was asking one person to put on all the different hats I could think of.

It took a deep heartbreak to understand that even the best partners cannot be everything.

As psychotherapist Esther Perel has pointed out, we ask our partner to “give us what an entire village used to provide: belonging, identity, continuity, transcendence, mystery, and awe all in one.”

We have a romantic notion in our heads that when we find our person, they will be everything to us. Social media has just made it worse. The truth is, you shouldn’t want your partner/spouse to be everything for you.

That is a kind of pressure I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Every person in your life plays a role. You go to your best friend to bitch about someone. You engage with your buddies to keep up a social life. You look to your parents to provide you with parental love and affection.

Your partner has a role to play as well. They can provide you with emotional support, physical intimacy, and mental stimulation. They can be a team member, but not your entire team. This is why maintaining your life and relationships outside your romantic partnership is so important.

The idea that your lover will be your all is a fantasy that has been sold to us — one that propels you onto the road to heartbreak.

2. They Cannot Read Your Mind

My mom has a habit when she gets mad at my dad. She goes silent. And then she gets even more enraged when my dad doesn’t react the way she wants.

For some time, I did the same too.

My partner should be able to understand my needs even without me telling him, right?

That was a disaster waiting to happen.

We demand a lot from our marriages and relationships. Hoping our partners can read our minds is one of them. You expect them to just know how you are feeling without uttering a single word and then get hurt and disappointed when they give you back that dumb-founded look.

Being passive-aggressive and waiting for them to respond in the way we want is cute — if you are in a toxic relationship.

Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Just don’t. You can’t perceive how they feel at all times, so why would you expect that from someone else?

Nobody can meet your needs unless you string the words together and tell them out loud.

Healthy relationships involve a lot of communication. And it’s not just telling each other how your day went. It’s expressing your feelings, being vulnerable, sharing your inner thoughts, having those hard conversations.

It’s a lot of work, and it’s tough but so worth it.

3. Agree with Everything You Say

My past relationship was extremely calm. We never fought.

In the five years that we dated each other, we may have argued once or twice. My people-pleasing skills could have been a significant reason for this. Either way, I was proud. My friends seemed to be fighting/arguing with their boyfriends most of the time. And here I was, having the most smooth relationship ever.

“We never fight.” I would say, gloating, carrying that fact around like a badge of honor.

When we finally broke up, years' worth of resentment and pent-up anger poured out of us.

My current partner, on the other hand, has no problem with letting me know when I am annoying or calling me out on my own behaviors. He doesn’t want to keep me in a good mood at all times, and neither do I let my people-pleasing instinct kick in. We don’t fight a lot, but we argue and discuss and say it out loud when the other is being stupid. We don’t avoid conflicts rather; we embrace them as a part of our relationship. Honestly, arguing is the best thing if done right.

A relationship comprises two completely different individuals. It’s not possible to agree on every single thing. And honestly, you don’t want someone who agrees with you 24/7.

Debating with my partner is something I absolutely love. It gives me a glimpse into his mind, why he thinks a certain way, and allows me to understand him more.

You should be on the same page about core values and morals, of course, but having different views and accepting them is equally important.

4. Help You Grow

I’ve heard many people look at relationships to get their life in order. This is especially true in the culture I grew up in, where women/marriage is perceived to get men to mature and settle down.

It’s possibly the stupidest thing I have come across.

We expect relationships or our partners to help anchor us in life. Give it meaning, give us an identity — to the point that without them, we don’t know who we are.

Happily ever afters has done this to us — place so much emphasis on the importance of a significant other. People who get into relationships expecting to get their life in order quickly learn that nothing changes, even with a partner.

If you cannot take control of your life, no one else can. It’s that simple.

Your partner could support you through your journey and life’s challenges. They could keep you accountable, soothe you when you are down, and celebrate your achievements. They could be your biggest cheerleader, but the work has to come from you.

You cannot change another person, nor can someone else change you.

Looking at your partner to help you live your life is a sure way to relationship downfall. Instead of wanting them to help you grow, focus on growing individually together.

5. Be the Same Person

Towards the end of my five-year relationship, I was bewildered when my boyfriend told me I had changed. He sounded disappointed, almost like I had done something on purpose.

I didn’t feel so, and I was quick to reassure him I hadn’t.

Thinking back, I should have taken it as a compliment. It meant I have grown as a person. He had changed too…. at the end of our relationship, the man who I fell in love with was nowhere to be seen.

We both expected each other to always be the same person throughout. And that was one reason why our relationship never stood a chance.

If you look at couples who have lasted decades together, you will find a common theme — they grow together.

They don’t expect their partner to be the same person they fell in love with. The best couples are ones who have learned to flow with and accept each other through life.

You don’t want to be dating someone who remains stagnant in life. They probably wouldn’t let you grow, either. Rather than expecting them to stay the same, expect them to grow into who they are meant to be.

We all go into relationships with expectations. I know I did. And when they are not met, you get disappointed and hurt. The dream relationship and Prince Charming fantasy are just that — a fantasy.

Real people have flaws, are hurtful, disappointing and sometimes a pain in the ass. That doesn’t make them less lovable. That doesn’t mean your relationship is flawed.

Even the best partners are going to disappoint you at some point, and that’s okay. Prince Charming had his flaws too!

Learn to manage unrealistic expectations and grow together.