You Don't Have to Care About Your Partner’s Happiness

From a young age, romantic relationships equalled happiness. In my mind, I would grow up to find my Prince Charming, and we would live happily ever after.

That bubble burst as soon as I found my Prince Charming.

Forever turned out to be a lie, and I was miserable in that relationship.

It took years to figure out what went wrong with us. Where did the first cracks appear in the foundation I had tried to build brick by brick?

The dangerous notion that relationships will make you whole.

A relationship is when you find your other half. The one that makes you complete.

But you were never incomplete, to begin with.

You were never a half. You are a whole, complete, passionate spirit.

This idea of your other half starts right from childhood. Fairytales, movies, and stories all tell us there is someone out there who will make everything better and save you.

There is someone out there made just for you.

I believed this growing up. All it did was allow me to think I was somehow incomplete without a partner. That once I found “the one,” life would be a joyride. We would make each other happy, and we would stay together forever.

That dream shattered when I found myself deeply unhappy in my relationship.

You cannot make a person happy.

That’s it. You can’t. So stop trying!

The answer to my questions came from none other than Will Smith.

Here’s what he said, “You cannot make a person happy. You can make a person smile. You can make a person feel good. You can make a person laugh. But whether or not a person is happy is deeply and totally and utterly out of your control.”

Light-bulb moment.

Happiness can come to us in many forms — flowers, words, actions, laughter, attention. Any of these, when received from a partner, can make us happy. The problem arises when we attach our happiness to another individual.

Throughout my relationship, I attached my happiness to him and vice versa. We looked at each other to fulfil ourselves. I tried my best to make him happy when he was upset. And I expected the same from him. Over the years, we placed the responsibility for our happiness on each other. That’s all it took for us to fail.

Both of us were miserable with our lives. I was unemployed for two years, while he was stuck at a job he despised. Having placed our happiness in each other’s hands, we blamed the other when our fairytale romance took a turn for the worse.

It is not your job to make your partner happy

To put your happiness in another person’s hands is a dangerous idea. Taking responsibility for someone else’s is equally risky. Yet, this is what we grow up learning.

My father wants to go walking every day. It makes him happy. Yet, when he doesn’t, he blames my mother for not motivating him.

The easiest way to be miserable is to give the responsibility of your joy to your partner. Or believe that your partner’s happiness is your job.

The idea that it’s your job to make your significant other happy or vice versa is completely and utterly “unrealistic,” says Will.

Taking on that responsibility or expecting it will quickly lead to resentment. I speak from firsthand experience.

What you need to focus on for a happier relationship

Your own happiness and fulfilment.

This is what you need to be focusing on. Filling your own cup, within and outside your relationship.

You cannot extend your empty cup to your partner, demanding them to fill it. Similarly, you need not take up the task of filling your significant other’s cup.

It’s a slippery slope. The end isn’t fun.

What you need to realize is that nobody can make you happy. Your happiness depends only on you. Not your partner. Not your parents. Not your friends.

None of them can make you happy or fulfilled, no matter how hard they try. Finding deep joy and contentment is your responsibility.

How would it feel if it was your job to make sure your partner was happy? It would be exhausting. Nothing you do would work.

Because it is not in your hands. You can inspire someone to do the work, but you cannot do it for them. That part is up to them.

The best thing you can do is focus on what you can control. You.

When you find happiness outside your partnership, you can come back and share it with the other person. Rather than begging them to fill your empty cup.

If you can’t find happiness, security, and emotional stability alone, you’ll struggle to find it together — Steven Bartlett.

In my current relationship, I refuse to take up the responsibility for my partner’s happiness. And he does the same. We understand that the only person who can make us happy is ourselves.

If he is unhappy, all I do is ask if he wants to talk about it? If he doesn’t, I ask him if he needs space. This does not mean I don’t care about his happiness. I do with all my heart.

But there is a limit to what I can do for him, and I am aware of it. I trust that he will work through his feelings while letting him know I am there for him if he needs me.

Without the weight of the happiness responsibility, we are both much more content within our relationship.

The perception that your partner will fulfil all your desires and make you happy is completely false. Yes, they will to an extent, but a higher sense of happiness and gratification can come only from you.

Putting that burden on your partner or yourself is unfair and impractical. It can be destructive to place that kind of responsibility on anyone other than yourself.

Being in a relationship does not suddenly make you one. You are your own person. Your joy is your responsibility. Do not take on someone else’s responsibility in the name of love. You won’t last long trying to do their work for them.