2017 I felt like I changed

In the year 2017, I feel like I changed into something, not someone but something. I used to be brave, not afraid to do things; my anxiety and panic attacks have gotten out of control to the point where I don’t want to leave my home. I used to go out with my husband, go clubbing, make friends; I was so social and outgoing. I could talk and approach anyone. But not anymore; I notice all that changed before the year ended for 2016, about seven days, things started to crumble. It started with betrayal. My career degree stolen, My muse is gone, and my shield was taken. I will explain in that order.

The betrayal

We all have that best friend who has been there for you who has helped you through thick and thin. Unfortunately, I use to have a friend like that. I don’t want to say her name because this bitch said some hurtful things to me, and I couldn’t believe what she did. So, I will refer to her as “Faker” because that is what she is to me. A fake ass horrible monster. But maybe I should start at the beginning as to why this happens. When I was about 21 years old, I was a shy girl, very timid, and didn’t have friends; this was mostly because of my learning disability, ADHD. I had difficulty learning and trying to understand not just my surroundings but people as well. When I meet Faker we live on the same block, and she took me under her wing; Faker was older than me by seven years. I need to point out she was overweight, and I was relatively thin. I showed me how to be more girly by putting on makeup and dressing up, how to flirt with guys; we were like sisters. There were times I would be the one buying her food. A couple of years later, I meet my husband in college, and my husband and I has been together for 13 years, and Faker’s longest relationship was barely two years. Yes, she was jealous and she was a control freak.

Then, this bitch falsely accuses me of trying to steal her fiancé just because I was talking to him to help me write my script. Unfortunately, this fiancé of her sends me a dick pic. I should have told Faker, but I didn’t. (Yes, I should have told her, I take full response for it, but I didn't want her to have issues with her guy than the guy would blame me) My husband found out about the dick pic and threaten to split up if I didn’t get rid of the photo and stop talking to him. So I did, but it didn’t stop there. Faker lied to my husband and said that I had a Tinder account, that I was talking to other men, and that she know me way better than I know myself and didn't understand why I was going to school for something I didn't understand. To be clear, I don’t have a tinder account; I have a tumbler account; they are different. I talk to other men online because I’m getting my book and graphic novel publisher through their company, and the guys gave me their numbers if I needed to reach them if it was urgent about my book and graphic novel. And finally, how the hell is this stupid bitch claiming she knows me better? No one knows you better than yourself. And if she wants to talk about going to school to learn something I don't understand, than why the hell did this bitch go to medical school to be a medical assitant? Only to graduate and get fired from 5 hospitals, and work at a law firm to become a lawyer only to get her fat ass fired because she tried to micro-manage everyone. Its clear Faker has no respect for herself, claims to be a know it all, and expects everyone to do what she wants. After what Faker did, I started to hate everyone, I hated the human race, I wanted to be left alone because I was so angry for being betrayed, I didn't want to be betrayed again like what Faker did. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true; I feel safer alone with my husband, my animals, and my laptop. I wish the tragedy would have a stop there, but it didn’t; in 2017, I lost my confidence in who I was.

2017 was the Rooster's year. I was born under the rooster year, so, when the year was approaching, I thought it was my time, that everything would be great. I was going to graduate with a bachelor’s degree. And get started on my career. I was dead wrong.

My career degree did not happen.

After Faker's betrayal, I began to become worried over little things, like the time I was going after a degree in Writing because I love to write. And since I was getting a degree in film making, I wanted to write scripts. I wanted to show the world my imagination. But the university I was attending pulled the writing degree I wanted because I couldn’t afford it. Then the school went bankrupt. This was so depressing.

My muse is gone

I usually listen to music to help me feel better; I always listen to Linkin Park; the band was my muse. I listen to them since I graduated from high school. But all that came to a crashing end when Chester Bennington took his life. My muse was gone, my inspiration, even my creativity. I started to panic; my dad would comfort me, let me know everything would be alright. He let me know he was my shield. But tragically, even my shield was taken.

My shield was taken

My father passed away from heart failure; I was going to meet up with my mom and dad in Mexico before the end of the year to celebrate finishing school. But it didn’t happen. After losing my dad, I became something I don’t want to be anymore; I am alone a lot because I feel safe. But all that changed when the pandemic started because I was tired of being afraid; I was tired of the thing I had become. Before the pandemic hit, I got therapy at the end of 2019; I am on the road to get better; I am slowly making friends even if I talk to them on-line. Yes, the rooster's year was terrible, but this rooster didn’t croak. It will crow one day.