15 Relationship Red Flags as Told by the Personages of Greek Mythology

We’ve all heard the old adage that the heart wants what it wants. But how do you know if your heart is pining after a mere siren song, or the real deal? Here’s what fourteen dating and relationship experts from antiquity have to say about romantic liaisons to steer clear of!

1. He’s a little too obsessed with himself.

My ex, this gorgeous, muscular hunter from Boeotia, used to just stare at himself in a pool of water 24/7. Talk about a mood killer. I took a quiz online and it said that he probably has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so I’m feeling a lot more justified about breaking it off with him.

-Submitted by Echo

2. He insists on conducting trysts in Athena’s temple even though you don’t think it’s a good idea.

Hooking up with P*seidon didn’t just rob me of my best years, it also rendered me incapable of any real intimacy in potential relationships going forward. Believe me when I say I cannot even look another man in the eyes after all that transpired between us.

-Submitted by Medusa

3. Her mom is a little bit too involved in her life, and borders on over-protective.

My wife is incredible-- as vibrant and vivacious as a spring day-- but it feels a little bit like I’m sharing custody of her with my mother-in-law. Yeah, I kidnapped her daughter, and sure, I’m kind of the bad boy of the Olympians. So what? Is she really going to keep judging me for eternity?

-Submitted by Hades

4. She’s already married.

Look, your crush might be super hot and compelling. Maybe she’s got a “face that could launch a thousand ships”. I get it, I really do. But that agonizing beauty who can wear a toga and matching laurel wreath like nobody’s business might also have a husband. And said husband might have various kings across the Greek isles already sworn to protect his interests. Don’t fall for it!

-Submitted by Paris

5. There’s a prophecy going around that you’re doomed to marry your son (a son who, incidentally, is responsible for murdering your late husband).

Honestly, I would just consult the Pythia at Delphi before every romantic liaison with anyone at this point, directly after you’ve ok’d your next potential partner with your therapist. I can’t help but feel that if I’d been a little more thoughtful, my son wouldn't have an entire complex named after him.

-Submitted by Jocasta

6. He straight up murdered your brother.

You might be tempted to justify your SO’s actions with the usual excuses. For example, I told myself repeatedly that what Theseus did was okay because the Minotaur was only my half-brother (not full), and part cow at that! But I should have trusted my gut, because my so-called “boyfriend” ended up abandoning me on an island not long after the murder. Women’s intuition is a thing, ladies!

-Submitted by Ariadne

7. She slaughtered her little brother right in front of you just to piss off her dad.

If you’re anything like me, you just assume that your wife will grow out of her murder-phase, because you’re an optimist like that. But listen, if cutting her brother into a hundred tiny pieces that she then discarded into the ocean like it was nothing was the only way for the two of you to be together, there might be something a little off with this dynamic. Sure, I encouraged her to do it, but she should have just ignored me, right? Anyways, she went on to brutally murder our two children, so make of that what you will.

-Submitted by Jason

8. She would rather turn into a tree than be with you.

I don’t care how alluring this nymph is, if she begs her River God father to turn her into a laurel tree so she doesn’t have to sleep with you, she’s just not that into you.

-Submitted by Apollo

9. He thinks it’s okay to stare at you like a creep while you’re bathing alone in the woods.

If he’s dumb enough to try this with you, just do what I did: turn him into a stag so that his own hounds hunt him down and tear him apart. That’s feminism in action.

-Submitted by Artemis

10. He seems like he plays for a different team.

Maybe your semi-divine husband keeps insisting that his devoted wartime companion is just a “friend” and that you’re being “paranoid”. But would a “friend” dress up in his armour and literally die just so that he could salvage Achilles's reputation? I think not.

-Submitted by Deidamia

11. He spends more time out with the boys than home with you.

I get it-- you don’t want to be known for being the possessive and controlling one in your relationship, especially when your husband is famous for being the “man of many wiles”. But once he’s been gone for 20+ years doing Gods know what or who in Troy, and leaving you to raise your son all alone, it’s reasonable to put your foot down.

-Submitted by Penelope

12. He talks about devouring your children as though that’s a perfectly normal response to fatherhood.

Sometimes men freak out when they find out they’re going to be a dad for the first time. It’s pretty normal for guys to be a little afraid of the commitment or responsibility that a child entails. But if your partner decides the best way to handle this anxiety is by literally eating your infant children, then maybe it’s time to think about splitting up.

-Submitted by Rhea

13. She doesn’t get along with the in-laws.

I thought that my fiance was my dream-girl; Antigone was irreverent, passionate, empathetic, and eloquent all at once. There was just one problem: she insisted on giving her traitor brother a proper burial even though my father, the king of Thebes, expressly told her not to. Imagine having to go to a family reunion after that!

-Submitted by Haemon

14. He refuses to sacrifice his sacred white bull to Poseidon.

When I married Minos, I assumed it would be a solid, albeit somewhat loveless union. Never in a million years could I have imagined that he would anger the sea god, and leave me to clean up the ensuing mess. As a result of my husband’s selfishness, I am now a laughing-stock and the mother to one of the most infamous monsters in all of history, the Minotaur.

-Submitted by Pasiphae

15. He thinks that consent is optional if he’s in bird form.

Need I say more?

-Submitted by Leda