109

As I get deeper, in this history book I am writing on a silent wall, I am starting to heal quietly; things are beginning to shift, inside and out of me, strengths and weaknesses are having in- depth conversations, while I sew away at this heart. As I settled on my feelings about this weekend, I found that the issue was not surfaced level, it was yet another deep rooted layer in my healing journey, and I've been in front of this computer trying to translate it into writing all day.

I didn't know that my body was beginning to stand tough, I didn't realize that my body was beginning to understand boundaries; this is not to say that I don't know what those are, I was just not aware what they meant to my body. I am talking about my body on a third party because what happened this weekend made me feel like an outsider but a proud one, this weekend I became a better version of myself, and I can't stop smiling at the thought; this weekend my body said no, and I agreed.

My body's voice was silence at a young age, and though after becoming an adult one would think that a switch would've happened, for me it didn't until I gave my body enough for it to feel worthy of being listened to again; he is walking somewhere in this world, thinking that he did nothing to me, didn't touch the most intimate parts of me, but he triggered a birthright, and though the way it looked to him might had been in a form of rejection, to me it looked like a beautiful black sky full of shining stars.

The first date was amazing, something I haven’t felt in such a long time, we experience new like we were in the hunt for color in our lives, both of us, hoping that the smiles on our faces were not temporary, for the first time in my 31 years, I was not understanding a connection in a sexual way, I was not analyzing the context of the night with an animal instinct, and this is not to say that I’ve never been able to see the difference between physical and mental chemistry, what I am focusing on explaining is the fact that the connection between what my body wanted and what my mind wanted had been disconnected so long ago, that I lost the want to understand someone I was into, in a mental level before euphoria invited itself in and made us into puppets of desire.

I woke up the next day, surprised myself with communicating that I needed clarity on a few subjects we had spoken about the night before, he eagerly agreed to meet that night and give me the clarity I needed. It wasn’t until he cautiously started putting his hands on my body that I realized how uncomfortable I felt, uncomfortable with the entitlement he must of felt upon my body, let me say that this was not an attack, I am solely describing it as entitlement because I am not sure when I gave him nonverbal permission for him to attempt to romanticize my body. We, I should say I was focused on an amazing mind, the depth of him was mesmerizing and though I was beginning to feel my body relax around him, in a romantic sense, I wasn’t ready for a kiss, a tight stimulating hug, nor holding hands; I found myself becoming mean, frustrated because we were having such a great start, being friends, cultivating trust and admiring each other until he decided my body needed to be romanticized.

Gorgeous sight, the water was cooling the air, the lights were bright enough to show the mystery of the city at night; my body said it loud and clear, louder than I’ve ever heard it before, and I listened, without doubt, without an ounce of disagreement, he was my fantasy of a man, everything my body had wanted in human form, the moment he put his hands on my body without permission was the moment he became was and not is.

I tried to translate what this means to my heart, what it means to my body, what it means to me in this self love journey, what it speaks, what it shows, what it means; I am no longer seeking my fantasy, I am seeking my own permission, ,my own grand expressions of love. Just when I thought my self love journey had deepen I was tested by my own body, and I am so proud that I listened, even if it was a kiss, a hand on hand, it wasn’t about action, it was about the pre-meditation of the action, it taught me that I too need to ask my own body for permission, listening to my intuition, seeing my physical response before my mental recognition, I trust my body and my body trust me; only someone who’s boundaries been crossed before will understand the significance of this milestone.