Heartbreak is for “ False Twin Flame”
Imagine the most painful agonist pain you ever felt, multiply that by a puddle of blood under your hips, laying on a cold bathroom floor.
They say that a heartbreak is an actual condition that's often brought on by stressful situations and extreme emotions; in the midst of entering a tornado of a journey, sometimes we must go through lessons or contracts that without we won’t be able to grow; though he was the one that woke me up out of a world I didn’t belong in, he was also the one that broke my heart into a billion pieces, without a second thought, without a gentle push, without love.
I fell for someone that I knew absolutely nothing about, and in my head the person I knew 7 years prior, was the same person that pulled me up the mountaintop, 5 star view, complimentary breakfast, is the little things that captured the memories; like the fact that he remembered my favorite juice, but in the morning he couldn’t remember how to hold my tender heart, the fact that he knew how to make me weak, but he couldn’t communicate with me, the fact that he made me feel like the only girl in the world, but he couldn’t make me feel secure, a remix of how his eyes matched his cold stone emotions, a reminder that I was on my own. He always managed to slap me woke, grab my neck while staring me right in the eyes, movement like the flow of the wind, intoxication of a young mind, realizing that he was poison was what made me cry every single night, double texting, calling out for help, without a connection, ghosted and reappeared months later, without question made me feel like it was fated, but never felt like Disney.
Dating through a heartbreak, stopping time whenever he wanted me, on the clock, putting my uniform on, hoping this time he would say and stay, all I wanted him to do was become my reality. Then closure happened, and since that day, I smile every time I think about his name, it wasn’t the words, I wasn’t listening it was the way his body told mine that he was afraid, I understood the unspoken words, the truth is I am fearless, and his lack of made me awake the Goddess in me.
You no longer need to move to another continent, you no longer need to block me, you no longer need to hide in the shadows of media platforms, don’t search up my name, I am great; never too proud to send you love and health, but my body no longer desires you, my mind no longer needs you, my hand is now free from the wait, with this I want to wish you well, December will be here in no time, please stay ghost, Brooklyn is big enough for us both.
Football is for “Naive”
I remember Football, he was so much fun, our first date he made me taste champagne, sat next to me and asked softly for a kiss. He was the high school sweetheart I never had but always wished for.
Football was smiles, hugs and running's, he was so light, so gentle, mesmerizing to the naked eye, Football was my rebound in the middle of my first heartbreak.
Flowers, candy, walks, talks ; the perfect puppy love- Football gifted his way, Football showed me that hurt people hurt people, he was the essence of a young black King, I taught him the waves of my body, the pictures in my head and the nature of being and without skipping a beat, Football followed me hoping one day I would stop and take his hand.
Football was naive, young, unbothered; the one that would make me spill my soda out of laughter; the one I’d pull in for a kiss and smile instead. Football took a thousand pictures, he always said “I want to have memories after you are gone” and I would always agree, because somewhere in my torn heart I knew Football was a beautiful distraction.
Football said “I love you” after a few months and as fast as he would form a smile on my face, he created fear in my soul.
ANGER is for “What I thought I wanted”
It’s easy to remember this season because I was acting out of anger; I had just hung up my phone, mad - the route to head home was starting and I wanted to find peace in anger; little did I know that route was the start of yet another lesson.
He was raw, apologetically honest and his mind was brilliant. He captured my mind in ways, I was not ready to see in a vivid reflection. He was the one that I learned how to unmask with, he taught me that pain is not in the wound but on the layers of it. He took time to unravel me, in ways that I’ve never been and the form of nakedness was deeper than skin.
This moment in specific comes to mind, he opened up and my walls started to drop; I saw him differently after that might, and he did try but at the end we were both too hurt to even try to heal each other. I understood that and I think so did he.
ART is for “What I deserved”
This season was so different, I was ready to find and conquer love again, I was finally in a state of mind where I was happy, and undeniably willing to fall head over heels. I remember right before meeting ART, I kept hearing “be loud and articulate about what it is exactly that you want” and honestly I thought I was clear on it.
ART was a sign of faith and extraordinary bravery, he was without denial the principle of all I wanted to be, but I was too careful to. He entered my life, when I was standing strong and in my own peace, he was like a summer breeze, a monument of guidance and a star for me to wish upon.
He was a surprise I thought I was ready for, he climbed every wall, smoothed all edges and evaporated all doubt. The beauty of who he was and where he was in his own life made me feel lucky to even have that brief time, in which I learned that love wanted me too, and waited for me too.
ART knew where and what he wanted and he was ready for it, so when he asked me to jump off the cliff, I let him jump on his own.
Name is for “A peak at what’s close”
Name is the one that smacked me with all of my bullshit. Name is the one that called me out, the one that would make me so mad, but rightfully so. Name had no time for games, name was choked up with trust issues, issues that I couldn't get past, and though Name was mature and together, a true King, he was not my King.
I felt toxic with Name, and I wish I didn’t because I wanted him to be everything I was trying to manifest.
The last text left him empty, I am still on read.
Now that my heart is back beating, now that I am complete with my own voice, now that I am free of the wait, I want to feel butterflies again.
I am on Hinge, not as active as I would like to be, I am not seeking because I believe that I'll meet whoever I need a lesson or two from, I've spoken to many, and I've understood the depths of my soul through conversations with strangers, I've come to understand the difference between real and imitation, and most importantly I am now dating with purpose.
I am hoping to win the championship.