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10 Early Narcissism Signs

First Date Survival

By Nila DearPublished 5 years ago 10 min read
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I'm writing this to help you. Help you because narcissists are ever so tricky to spot, and they are all over dating apps. I can't provide you with a textbook step by step guide, but I can describe one experience I've had ( I have had quite a few rough times with narcissists ) but this story is short because I SAW the signs and applied what I had already been through, APPLIED them, and dodged a bullet. This is NOT to make you paranoid, but aware. Because a narcissist will ruin your life, that I can promise you.

It's Sunday afternoon, I bored as hell and getting a restless itch. I download Tinder. I fill my afternoon with useless chats with quite a nice bunch of hotties. One I clicked with easily and we were having a good laugh. He asked for my number and if he could call me to say hi as he hates texting.

Sign #1 which I completely missed! He didn't offer his number up first, requested mine and called me on a private number. He literally called me straight away after an hour of messaging on the app.

We had a great chat, lots of laughs. He had a nice voice and a wicked sense of humour like mine. I hadn't picked up any bad signs yet. So he messaged and called me every day after that. The one time I asked to video call, he wouldn't let me until he had showered and gotten ready. Ok, I guess? Seemed weird as guys usually don't give a shit about that kind of stuff. We had a video chat 'date' the next day, and it was a good laugh, yet something kept throwing me off course a little.

Sign #2 Blunt accusations of my flaws or attributes. Such as "What's with your makeup, your lipstick is very pink"

"What's with your top, is it a halter neck or do you have a weird bra"

What's with your Instagram, there are no full-length photos of you. I scrolled through the first few but I got bored caus it's just pictures of your fucken dog hahaha"

Things that are good about you, shot at you to lessen you in their eyes, projected onto you. It is a tactic to wear you down onto a level they can control.

Finally after a couple of days I confessed that I had deleted Tinder the day after I got it. I was sick of the thing and knew it wasn't healthy for me, a bad distraction. That I was talking to him because I liked him but I had just moved back home to get my life together, and that dating was not something I should be a part of, nor wanted to partake in. I also admitted to mental illness, and that was why I found it too hard to meet up with him.

Sign #3 He kept insisting on me meeting in person, totally disregarding that I kept saying I wanted to get to know him a little more over the phone first. His response was

"Whenever you're ready I don't want to pressure you because I take mental illness really seriously and know how hard it must be for you. I want you to be as comfortable as possible. But if we don't meet soon how will we know if it's something to keep going or if we like each other or not? To me it's just wasting time"

He was playing the caring sensitive guy role perfectly.

"I'm so SORRY you're going through that, I've had experiences with mental illness too, it's super hard, I'm here for you babe" etc. etc. Everything understanding and encouraging under the sun. He even said he would pay my psychologist bills. That made me feel weird.

"You've only known me for a few days I'm not letting you pay my bills"

"No babe I would it's so serious I want you to be ok"

What was with the calling me babe? I felt he was really understanding, almost too much. But there were no obvious signs he was bad news yet. Although hearing about him having mental illness issues made me already start to think it wasn't a good idea to get involved with this person when mine are serious, and I know the combo isn't a good one.

Sign #4 Delusions of grandeur

He had a 'sexy car' (no it was just a brand new shit Chrysler lowered and tricked out, fuck it was shit) and did Uber premium. Had 3 investment properties (yet no money), was starting a podcast, had professional photos taken of himself and had completely re-done his Instagram page, AND that day had conveniently chauffered a beautiful young woman who happened to be a psychologist. They were going to make a foundation thing and start getting people more help. He sent me her website, and even though he was her driver for half an hour, he kept referring to her by her first name as if she were someone he knew well. Her rates were over the roof, yet he offered to pay for me again. I swear he hit on her, it made me wonder.

One day he said he was having a crappy day, so he doesn't text me until the next day. Fair enough I wasn't pushy. Then he had to work the next few days and would phone call me between jobs. Was a little annoying. He was acting so familiar like he could just assume to call me whenever he wanted.

Sign #5 Too familiar. Like they already know you and have you figured out, expecting their standard of communication and interactions from the other person.

Sometimes I wouldn't contact him for a day, I knew he was having a crappy time so I avoided him for my own self. One day he video called me and was fine. He was waiting on his Uber eats (this is coming from someone who lived at home and constantly said how broke he was). When it came the order was wrong, he hung up the phone cause he was 'shitty' and didn't want to take it out on me then proceeded to text me the whole time saying he was on hold with Uber and how much of a shit mood he was in. When he called back he looked like Eyre, droopy and down. I was like 'surely he can't be mad over food', me saying to just be happy and move on didn't make the situation better. He refused to cheer up. Said he was on the phone to Uber and the restaurant, and he was crappy.

"I have to go, I'm in a shit mood, fuck my life this is fucked I'm going, sorry it's not you".

WTF?

#sub-sign they refuse to let you cheer them up, and will hold their bad mood over you.

Sign #6 Angry when any single little thing doesn't go their way. Usually projected onto you. Another example of this is one night on the phone, I explained I still didn't want to meet and he got mad. Told me if I don't bite the bullet and meet him what's the point and I'm not fighting my mental illness by hiding in the house. He gave me a real serve before telling me it's my choice and no pressure. He would make my situation sounds os small "beats sitting around the fucken house all day. like, sorry, but you know? It's not gonna get you anywhere".

When he hung up I burst into tears. Most of what he had said hit a nerve because it was true. His delivery and motives on the other hand, that made me feel bullied. But I didn't think much of it in pressure terms, as my mind was churning over the truths I was trying to process. So I texted him and said "fuck it lets meet"

"We don't have to meet just caus I said all that stuff to you"

"You're the only person I feel like I can be myself around"

"No I want to, come by after work"

I was determined NOT to be what he thought of me.

By this time I started to feel like something wasn't right with this guy. He had told me he had borderline bipolar disorder but sent me a screenshot of a website describing BPD (borderline personality disorder). I started to see what was happening, but I didn't want to judge as he hadn't judged me for my problems. I like to give everyone a fair chance at the start. But I didn't have any alarm bells or bad feelings in my gut, just mild mistrust. Which I have anyway.

He told me he would finish work early 'just for you', but I had to wait up for hours at night because he was a lying shit still working with zero intention of coming over early.

I gave him my address and instructed him to meet me across the street from my house in a car-park. No way was I going anywhere with him in the middle of the night. We hung in his car and chatted. I was happy with that. I knew the moment I met him I wasn't interested in him. He didn't get out of his car to greet me, just put down the window and called me into the car. Gave me a weird over the console hug, and paid me out about what I was wearing (with a laugh of course). I saw he had a pack of cigarettes.

"Oh you smoke" I asked

"Oh fuck here we go, another one going off about me smoking, next you're going to tell me I have to quit"

"No I was just wondering I'm not stopping you" I said

"Yeah yeah they all say that"

Sign #7 Gaslighting. he had shown small signs of it, but the more we chatted the more it started to show.

Which leads to sign #8, narcissistic traits starting to slowly come out as they become more comfortable around you.

He said a few times how much he liked me. I tried to politely and delicately avoid reciprocation as I didn't feel the same way. He tried to kiss me a few times but I managed to push into a hug instead. Then he kept saying how cute I was.

"I hate being called cute" I said with a giggle

"Oh great, another one who can't take a fucking compliment, yeah awesome one" he said all down and mopey as he sagged in his seat and muttered under his breath. Fuck I felt weird then.

Then he kissed me. I hated it. All of it. I tried to get into it and kiss back but I just wasn't feeling it. I tried to end it so he kissed me again. Yuck. Shit kisses, he was trying to be all bad boy seductive. It was just yuk.

Sign #9 Oblivious to your discomfort. He noticed I didn't want to kiss him but kept trying anyway, making me try and dodge it a few times. Anyone with decency would see this and try not to make me feel uncomfortable. Not a narcissist, they just want what they want and they will make you feel like shit to get it. I didn't touch him or get 'handsy' but he kept trying to feel under my shirt and down my back. I kept pulling away. I didn't even want to touch him. He started saying how his ex was a piece of shit and telling me personal things about her. Playing the guilt card I guess. I told him I was tired and wanted to go home to bed, so we ended our 'hang'. He tried to kiss me again but I managed to dodge it and said my thank you for making the effort to visit me.

And finally...... Sign 10 you're with a narcissist in the early stages, ARROGANCE. I messaged him the next day saying "Thank you for making the drive to see me, I enjoyed our time and I like you but I'm just not in the right place for dating. But it was nice :)"

It's hard with someone like him, you have to make sure you don't mention anything that flares them up. I like the 'build break build' approach.

He wrote back, and this made me laugh so much,

"There's a reason I haven't contacted you for 2 days, and why I've followed you on social media" (I legit didn't realise any of this hahaha)

"I knew you would be like that so I shouldn't be surprised but hey if someone doesn't like me that's on them so FUCK THEM hahahah I don't even care"

Here's the other part, and a really beautiful part to my realisation. He kissed me and all I could think of was someone else. A friend I've had for years, we had just reconnected. And that whole time this creepo was kissing me, my eyes were shut and I was wishing it was the other guy. I remember thinking 'this guy doesn't kiss beautifully as he does, doesn't smell nice like he does, doesn't make me feel the things he makes me feel. When I'm with him I feel happy and cared for, respected and loved. When I'm with him all I want to do it touch his body, hold his face, be as close to him as I can be and look into his beautiful brown eyes. This dude I just recoil from'. It was then and there I realised, I like that guy! My beautiful friend I adore, HE is where I want to be in whatever way I can manage. He made me smile at the thought of his voice. This guy trying to get a root was not even remotely close to the calibre of man I had in my life.

So there it is. I recognised the signs early and put a stop to it all before it escalated. Hopefully, this can help someone see things earlier. Because I'm pretty dam sure I wasn't the only girl he was talking to at the same time as me. I feel there were heaps he was playing. The best way to handle a narcissist is to be polite, not feed into their crap, and exit yourself calmly.

Any tips or mentions are most appreciated :)

dating
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About the Creator

Nila Dear

True stories of love, relationships, heartbreak, & happiness.

Shared in hopes you find entertainment, laughter, tears, mistakes, growth, recognition, reflection, education, hope, realisations, comfort, & something positive.

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