Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'The Rift' (2016)

This movie went nowhere and it took forever to get there. I mean, an hour and a half of nothing fucking happening. Here's my review. Don't fucking watch this. Nice and simple.

But I guess I need to justify why this movie is shit. And it’s not just because the fucking plot just goes nowhere. The atmosphere was way fucking off, mostly because of the sound track. It was like listening to nails across a chalk board.

I brought this up once during my review of The 9th Gate. The wrong kind of feel which, including music, can fucking ruin a horror movie's atmosphere.

The 9th Gate came off like a super weird episode of Ghost Busters with its terrible soundtrack. The Rift came off like someone stole the soundtrack from fucking Dazed and Confused. They actually managed to have a soundtrack that was fucking distracting from the actual movie. It was impossible to take this movie seriously and this movie wasn't even fucking good. Do you know how bad it is to fuck up your sound track so bad that it murders the atmosphere? That’s got to be one of the first things they teach producers and directors.

The acting was actually pretty good, even for horror but that's where the fucking compliments end. The plot was just nonsense. It went round in circles and included shit that accomplished nothing. It was actually impressive how fucking long it took for nothing to fucking happen. It's not like they don't clearly explain what was happening, it’s just that it was completely fucking pointless.

SPOILERS!!!

So, there's no fucking crashed satellite... duh! Not like that was hard to figure out. Anyway. The satellite turns out to be an astronaut. The thing is, this astronaut didn't crash in Serbia, but rather traveled through a time space rift on the moon nearly thirty years earlier which landed him in Serbia at present day in the movie.

So, first problem. How the fuck did the CIA know he was there? Seems to me, the Serbians didn't even know he was there. So, you're telling me, this guy warps through time and space, winds up in the middle of bum-fuck Serbia, and the moment he lands the CIA is already all over it? How? It’s not like this thing was broadcasting a signal we’d even know to look for. Let’s entertain the idea that some clown at NSA picked up on the short-range radio transmission that one of our old lunar suits put off. It’s technically possible for a listening station to pick that up by satellite. If all of that managed to happen, would we even recognize a 50-year-old lunar suit broadcast?

So, an unspecified proximity to this astronaut causes immortality. But if you die and come back, you don't come back normal. Dying and coming back to life does something to people apparently. Go figure, this is one of the most common themes in horror. In any case, it sets the plot up so the characters are constantly killing people, they come back to life, and then they have to kill them again. While this kind of mayhem is a little fun at first, It just doesn't go anywhere.

And then there's this kid with special needs who seems to have something to do with the plot, but they just fucking abandon that. Then the astronaut ends the fucking movie by sending the main character back in time to before her daughter dies and that's it. There’s a cutaway after that with some media scrambles and bullshit about the astronaut being the next messiah. The whole damn thing is just so nonsensical. What the actual fuck...

Yeah, just skip this one.