Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'A Quiet Place' (2018)

If they hear you, get a fog horn...

Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'A Quiet Place' (2018)

I know a lot of people were bitching and moaning about not spoiling this movie for some reason so if you haven't read my reviews before... SPOILERS!!!

But seriously. What the fuck is there to spoil? It's not like there's going to be some twist ending where the fucking monsters decide to join a men's quartet or some shit like that. For fuck sake, the whole movie is set up in the previews. Something hunts by sound. Be very fucking quiet. Stay quiet, you live. So much as fart, you die. Where are we expecting there to be spoilers? I mean, there's the big monster reveal, but it's not like I'm going to sit here and doodle a caricature of one.

And fuck, their monster reveal didn't take very long. Not even five minutes in and one of them eats a toddler pretty much right in front of you. You don't get a great look at it, but this movie really wasn't holding much back.

So no, there really isn't any great secret to spoil about this movie. But let me tell you something, it was fucking fantastic! Fan-fucking-tastic! I don't say this a lot, but I rarely shill out the $13 at the theaters to watch anything.

You know what this movie had? Tension. Agonizing, hair raising tension. Every god damn moment is just so fucking tense! It grips you and won’t let you go. The sense of alienation. The fact that the character have to spend their lives walking on egg shells or they're fucking DEAD. And there is never a moment of reprieve.

So the acting was stellar. My god there was this one scene where one of the lead actress steps on a nail and the whole fucking audience cringed. The atmosphere was fantastic. Everything hung with overgrowth or was smattered in rust and dry rot, like a proper post-apocalyptic world.

But that's actually something I kinda have a problem with. Okay, so I can understand that these creatures might have kinda taken over the wild and could be hard to root out and destroy. But these wild animals caused the collapse of society? How? I mean yeah, they're tough as bastards, but they have a PRETTY FUCKING obvious weak spot. AKA the giant unarmored head membrane they HAVE to expose in order to hunt. Their whole fucking head opens up and exposes their squishy parts when they hunt. I mean... the lead actress fucking blasts one and that's all she wrote. It drops like a sack of drowned rats.

And you mean to tell me that all of our military power failed to figure out, that a creature which hunts SOLELY by sound, could be defeated by using sound. We have sound cannons that are designed to incapacitate normal humans with normal ears. What the fuck do you think that would do to a creature whose head is one giant fucking ear? I'm just saying they have options. It’s a pretty big stretch to say these things could completely topple society.

And one of the best scenes is actually one of the dumbest scenes. The mother of the family is pregnant from the get go. First off… who the fuck is dumb enough to bring a screaming baby into this world? Okay, glancing over that, let’s say you have absolutely no choice. They were smart and designed a soundproof room to deliver the baby and keep the baby in while these things are stalking about. Not a bad idea… so maybe, Idontfuckingknow, put the bitch in the fucking room when it’s getting close to time? Look, as bad as they set things up, I’d have stuck her ass down there in the last trimester just to be safe. Yeah it sucks, but if you’re dumb enough to bring a baby into this hellscape, you pay the price.

Anywho. This movie is still fucking worth it.

movie review
Reed Alexander
Reed Alexander
Read next: Run Necromancer
Reed Alexander

I'm the foulmouthed horror movie critic. I post new reviews every Sunday, so stay tuned =D

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