The Batman Review

I walked in ready to be disappointed with yet another DC movie and, surprise, DC has delivered another failure.

I don't give a sh*t how much money this movie makes, it's ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE.

Oh wow, another Dark Knight-esque movie about the Batman? WOOOOOW how unique. Look, there's no Robin or Nightwing either. Oh wow, the Joker cameo? How original.

-_-

I'm passed annoyed, I've entered the territory of pissed off with each new DC comic based movie. I loved the comics growing up and the Batman animated show is still one of my favorites to watch in my free time, I love DC comics.

I don't know where they go wrong with these f*cking movies. And I'm so sick of it.

It feels like the DC Production Company is trying so hard to compete with Marvel AND trying to assuage their fans at the same time.

But let us get back to this piece of trash, the Batman.

SPOILERS AHEAD.

1. Robert Pattinson is not the problem.

I will admit to being a former Twihard fan, I am not proud of it but it's very hard to deny it when I have a lot of social media evidence of me at all the midnight premieres in my shoddy little hometown theater with my friends.

Yes, I was #TeamEdward, I'm a sucker for a guy who can quote Shakespeare and play piano.

Anyway, as the Caped Crusader, Pattinson does a fine job playing the reclusive billionaire going through an emo phase. He does also answer my question about how much black eyeliner Batman REALLY has to wear because this is the only Batman movie to show him after he takes off his mask looking like he's got double black eyes.

He's brooding, dark, intelligent, totally willing to throw away his role as Bruce Wayne. Pretty much everything I expected, but executed very well on his performance. He has moments with Selina Kyle aka the incomparable Catwoman played by Zoe Kravitz. Those moments are charged with sexual curiosity, they are intrigued with each other. Both are masked intruders on a basic level, he's a vigilante bringing justice to those who deserve it and she's a cat burgler who steals to enrich her own life but to also protect others who have had things stolen.

2. The Riddler

I was excited that they chose another villain other than the Joker, I am so tired of them immediately doing movies about the Joker. He used to be my favorite DC villain and now I'm just sick of him.

Especially after Jared Leto. Just, ew. I didn't think they could get anyone worse than him and then we had Phoenix, cue eye roll.

So, to have the Riddler shine on his own without the Joker or Two-Face is a breath of fresh air at least.

To be perfectly honest with you, the only note I have on the Riddler is that he's portrayed as more of a crazed psychotic that is driven by a sense of righteousness and some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy rather than an intelligent man driven to the dark side by vengeance and betrayal. It's an interesting take and all the murder is obviously based on a personal vendetta between Riddler and the people that he believes are responsible for his fathers death. I just think his character could have been executed better.

Also, lowkey terrifying that the end of the movie is that the Riddler only needed 500 twitter followers to destroy Gotham City. I am absolutely disgusted that the second they show the comment feed, I knew the Riddler was recruiting people to get guns and coordinate an attack. There are comments asking about which caliber bullets to buy and where they can all get the same jackets. Unfortunately, I see posts like that almost every week because I live in America and shootings of every variety are a usual occurrence. So, we can recognize the signs of a mass exodus pretty quickly.

3. Adding Fake Politics Doesn't Make the Movie Better

They added waaay too many details to this Riddler-Revenge plotline for it to make sense.

I don't give a f*ck if you read the comics and could follow it, for those of us who didn't read the Dark Knight series, can you at least cut it down some? It took me half the movie to realize one of the mobsters was Carmine Falcone, yeah they said his name a lot but it was usually followed by another character called Marconi and some other words that ended with an 'ee' sound and everyone (F*CKING EVERY SINGLE PERSON) does NOT enunciate well in this movie.

I knew Batman was just gonna be grunting through vowels the whole time, but between Catwomans sultry deep purr of a voice and Gordons gravelly tone and Riddlers gasping for air between words like he just ran a 5k; I can't understand a word anyone is saying.

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I can't even recommend you to see this movie if you're bored and need to get out the house. My ass went numb after an hour and every time I thought the movie was gonna end, something else happened.

It was also super annoying that every time Batman figured something out, it was when something bad happened so he had absolutely ZERO seconds to even offer his help let alone barge onto the scene rescuing a baby or an old blind woman.

I just need DC to stop pandering to the f*ckbois of comics and actually just stick to their source material.

Also, they need to stop trying to release a movie at the same time of another Marvel movie, because they are truly stupid if they think actually compete with Marvel. Seriously, Marvel could release Thor: Dark World, the worst Marvel movie ever made, at the same time of Black Adam and I would STILL pick Dark World over DC movies at this point.

So, if you have $20 that you want to donate to your local theater, just hand them the money. Or burn it. OR draw a mustache of Jacksons face. I recommend doing literally ANYTHING ELSE to that bill other than using it to see Batman.