That Movie Was TOO Good

You want a good movie?

This step-by-step guide is guaranteed to make the next instant hit and define all those that came before it. If the movie does just one thing from thing from this list consider it your obligation to know everything about it.

ONE

1. The title scene should be a prelude of random words that are legitimate production companies. The catch is they have never been seen before and usually they will never be seen again. Any movie with two or more random association words that are in fact chosen to subconsciously create context is a guaranteed hit and can be recommended to anyone.

TWO

2. Skip right to the action in the middle or towards the end. With an intense zero context fight for life, leave the viewer emotionally attached to the most distressing thing in the room. This movie. The additional bonus is viewers love watching stuff out of order.

THREE

3. Quickly lull them into safety. The use of slow motion and close ups should highlight tender social scenery and memories of a fonder life. Show them an upper middle class glued together with warm colors, textures, and filters. This is out of order too, so you should…

FOUR

4. Interrupt your main character’s flashback with what is finally a narrated present. Remember, this character was zoned out. Gently remind them by slamming paperwork on their desk, blaring a car horn behind them, or by cutting themselves making dinner. Wash rinse and repeat until all minor conflicts come to resolve or reality itself becomes a relentless enemy of comfort.

FIVE

5. Main characters should have a crippling weakness. How about the emotional loss of a loved one? Care for another idea? Too bad! Now, anything will seamlessly incorporate a physical challenge and emotional struggle duality. Does he have to build the world’s tallest Jenga tower? Now he can! But only if he is strong enough to forgive himself.

SIX

6. At some point a muscular strong-armed embrace should slide all the way down the wall (and onto the floor). When someone gets overwhelmed, force them back into comfort by aggressively pulling the back of their head deep into the man’s chest. You can tell how much their hurting by how hard his arms are flexing. Never forget how hard I flexed at you when you were your most vulnerable.

SEVEN

7. Sabotage something somewhere with someone. I don’t recommend killing your main character, but that’s food for thought. If they don’t get away with it, make sure your antagonist’s back-story is irrelevant and only loosely overlaps. Consider teenagers laughing and walking by another obviously upset teenager. Never intentionally trigger your antagonist.

EIGHT

8. More family members become reunited! It comes with additional conflict, closure, backstories that make even someone else seem cool. If you were thinking stoic reproach, think again. This new family member showed us that boring old so-and-so was even maybe once a little unruly… TOWARDS INJUSTICE.

NINE

9. This new family member is a great reminder of a past object somehow linking to immutable value. The newly revived artifact serves both as an inspiration and a crutch. Do not hesitate to make this the ultimate treasure hunt with selfless bouts of laughter and the incredible satisfaction only finding material objects can bring. Feel free to waste the entire investment by discarding the item like garbage.

TEN

10. Roll the credits and then play more of the movie. I wish I had a list of movies that did just that. It would be by far the most impressive list on IMDB. It would never be questioned as factual. But if the integrity of the movie were ever questioned, I would reference here, “That Movie Was TOO Good: A Step-by-Step Guide to Infallible Genius”. Bullet ten.