Jesi

Title: Jesi

Author: KJ Garland

Being a morphic would make dating difficult for anyone. Jesi certainly struggled with it, but perhaps not for the reasons you might imagine.

Jesi was ok with having more than one persona.They never felt guilty dating different people because, in their mind, each persona was an independent being who had the right to their own romantic and sexual life. At least that’s what they told themself.

Jesi had three separate personas. This isn’t true for every morphic, it could be more or less,it varies from person-to-person. Jesi’s personas included Avery, Mel and, of course, Jesi.

Avery was blond, buksum, and curvy. With long blond ringlets, a round face and enormous blue eyes. Avery had curves for days.There was something in her body, the way she carried herself and her overall demeanor where one might forget that she was plus-sized. Every once in a while someone might call here “fat,” but generally that happened with insecure skinny little men who couldn’t make sense of their strange, terrifying, powerful attraction to her. Part of Avery’s attractiveness stemmed from the solidness of her form. Indeed, this was more than a natural gift, she was a competitive weightlifter, and had won multiple national championships on behalf of Barnaby High School. Avery was popular, and well-loved by her peers, not just because they were terrified by her strength, but because in addition to her competitive talents, she was kind, extroverted and just super fun to be around.

Avery was dating Kia, a small bookish girl, who was on the chess team. Although this might seem like an odd match, the pair bonded over their abilities to excel. Kia was also top in the state. Many believed she would some day rise to grand master status. Their relationship was solid and familiar. They felt safe with each other, and given the pressures that they both got from their parents, Kia and Avery were able to form a protective, sweet bond,

Jesi enjoyed their days as Avery. She was fun, she enjoyed life, people loved and respected her. It was certainly better than their days as Mel.

Mel was sad. He was tall, lanky and had terrible acne that had appeared when he turned twelve and he was pretty certain would never subside. He walked in a hunched over sort of way. He wore thick glasses that were always somewhat smudged. He had a strange odor, like stale straw. It didn’t matter what he did, what soap, deodorant or aftershave he used, that strange odor always returned.

Mel enjoyed walking and reading, and had a reputation around town as a bit of an outcaste. He was never really sure why, but once he realized this was the case, he at least partially embraced it. Or, rather, he didn’t fight it. He spent most of his time outside of school reading and walking-often at the same time. He walked around town, mostly, sometimes through the cemetery (where he liked the company best) or when he was feeling a bit more boisterous he might walk through the mall or downtown. He walked quickly, and spoke in a slow, deep, resonant voice, mostly while looking at his shoes.

Jesi dreaded the days they had to spend as Mel. Mel was an obvious disappointment to their parents, and although they tried to hide it, Jesi could feel their dismay on the days when Mel appeared. When Avery appeared, breakfast was a celebratory feast, “how about some of my famous waffles?” Their dad would say with a broad smile. Bacon, fruit and croissants would appear. Everyone loved Avery.

On the days that Jesi appeared as Mel, however, their dad would rarely look up from his newspaper. “Morning, Mel,” he’d mumble, and Mel would lurch across the kitchen, make himself some toast and quickly lumber off to school.

As I mentioned, Jesi’s biggest problem was not what you might imagine. Many young morphics struggled to balance dating: time and schedules were the most obvious challenges, and, of course, the primary persona could be stuck feeling confused about issues such as gender identity or sexual orientation. These were not Jesi’s issues.

Jesi felt fine with balancing everything. After all, Mel was pretty low maintenance: he walked, he read, he went to school. No one really noticed him and nothing really happened.On the other hand, Avery’s life was a whirlwind of activity: practices, workouts, meets, hanging with friends, going on dates with Kia. In truth, Jesi thought they were pretty lucky to have these two personas, they balanced each other out well. There was just one catch:

Mel was terribly, hopelessly, helplessly in love with Avery.

It was,obviously, an absolutely impossible situation, one that Jesi could not make heads-or-tails of. Jesi thought that it would make sense for Mel to be jealous of Avery (a lot of people were jealous of Avery). That would have made sense. But, every time Mel appeared and his thoughts turned to Avery, he came alive-in a way that made Jesi terribly uncomfortable.

Jesi often wondered how this was even possible. Mel and Avery never existed at the same time. Jesi was the only one who was always present, watching from somewhere inside. It was Jesi and Mel on some days and Jesi and Avery on others, but it wasn’t even possible for Mel and Avery to meet. Mel was convinced it was love, and Jesi just felt completely embarrassed every time Mel’s thoughts turned to Avery.

Avery, thankfully, was completely oblivious. Jesi was completely embarrassed. And Mel was completely heart-sick.

For morphics, the primary persona exists mainly as an observer. They watch from inside the other personas’ heads, observing from afar, like the proverbial ghost in the machine. Yet, they are also indelibly tied to each persona, they feel what the persona feels and experience what they experience. One of the hardest parts of being the primary persona is that, in many ways, it is easier to get to know your other persona’s than it is to know yourself. Primees (as they are informally referred to), only appear in their full bodily form a couple of times a year. Primees always appear on their birthday (in the case of Jesi this is June 2nd). However, otherwise and particularly for teenagers, these appearances can be unpredictable and often are triggered by physical or emotional stress. For example, the first time Avery got her period, she went to bed with a hot pad and cup of tea (made by her proud and doting mother) and awoke in the morning as Jesi, who spent the next few days fussing with pads and cramps and bleeding, before Avery returned.

In general, this makes it difficult for a primary to get to know themselves, since they show up so rarely. Jesi had had only a few months, in total, living as themselves in their 17 years. What did they know of themself? Jesi seemed to exist somewhere in the middle of everything. They identified as non-binary, that much was obvious. They liked to dress simply, mostly in blacks and greys. Their straight hair was a dark chestnut brown, shoulder-length and wisps of it brushed their face. They always had to push it behind their ears.

Not every morphic is non-binary, they can be any gender or orientation, this was just how the dice fell for Jesi.

The days that they appeared were challenging. Their parents would be elated, interested and somewhat scared. They wanted to get to know Jesi, to hang out and talk. Jesi, however, also wanted to get to know Jesi, and usually wanted nothing more than to be alone and try to figure themselves out in the limited time they had. Bouncing back to another persona was even more unpredictable, though, again always occurring at night, and Jesi would awake as either Mel or Avery, having to once again sit in the backseat and watch everything unfold.

On October 31st, (Halloween, of all days), Jesi watched as Mel, for the hundred-millionth time, sat on their bed gazing longingly at a picture of Avery. Mel sighed, held his head. Jesi felt his pain, his heartache, and also embarrassment and disgust. It wasn’t even one of her “glamour” shots that she got at the local JC Penney, with her long blond ringlets dripping down over her shoulders, her bosom blossoming slightly over the V in her shirt. No, Mel held the picture of Avery from last year, when Avery won the All-State weightlifting competition. Her breasts were bound and held inside of the less-than-flattering leotard she wore. This ensemble was made even more unflattering by the presence of her weight lifting belt, leaving her figure looking squashed and sausage-like. Her hair was pulled back, face red, and bits of hair clung to her ruddy cheeks with sweat. Yet, this was the Avery that Mel loved. Strong, capable, powerful, a natural champion.

Jesi sat by while Mel fantasized. Jesi felt critical, “they aren’t even very original fantasies,” as the pictures Mel conjured flashed through both of their minds: Mel bringing Avery flowers, Avery kissing his cheek, the two of them walking hand-in-hand in the springtime, having a picnic in the park. “ For goodness sake,” Jesi thought, “why not imagine you’re running through fields of flowers and riding stallions on the beach, so unimaginative!”

Mel fell to the bed crying. He couldn’t ever, ever have her. Even if he could, she was everything and he was nothing. She didn’t even like boys, never mind the obvious problems with sharing the same host. They were, after all, in essence the same person. This never really made sense to Mel, though. His parents explained it multiple times, yet, always, in his heart, he saw Avery as a separate person, and certainly did not feel familial, sibling-like feelings when he thought of her.

However, on that particular day, Jesi made a definitive decision. This was too much,he couldn’t sit around watching this pitiful display (and feeling these awful feelings) for one more day: they needed help. They decided that the next time they appeared as Jesi, action would have to be taken.

As Mel (and Jesi) lay there crying on their bed, clutching Avery’s photo, Jesi tried with all of their might to send a message to Mel. “You’re nothing, she is everything. Even if you could meet her, you have nothing to offer. Of course she loves Kia, Kia is smart and pretty and ambitious and you are nothing but a sad sack, lazy slob.”

Jesi did not enjoy this. They weren’t sure whether or not the message would get through, as usual they were not able to communicate or control their personas. Also, Jesi was a nice person and didn’t want to make Mel feel worse. However, Jesi figured if they could cause enough of an emotional reaction in Mel, perhaps it could trigger Jesi to appear. Jesi was determined to take action.

Mel heard Jesi’s message loud and clear, although he figured it was the voice of his insecurities and doubts telling himself he was inferior and unworthy. Consequently, he cried himself to sleep, clutching the photo and feeling unworthy.

The next day (November 1st) Jesi awoke with their face stuck to the pillow by Mel’s snot. Jesi did not feel elated, but was satisfied (and somewhat amazed) that they had instigated the shift. That had never happened before.

Jesi had not appeared since their birthday in June. On that day they had been flipping through Mel’s phone, catching up on the news, and a small advert popped up on the bottom of their screen:

Calling all Morphics! Are you feeling invisible? Ignored? Overshadowed by your personas? Good News! There is a better way! Do you want to be Free of this burden? Do you want to have a Whole and Complete life just for yourself? You are in luck: A simple procedure is now available AT LITTLE COST to you. Fill out the form below or call one of our representatives directly to find out how you can finally be free! Financing is Available! Don’t delay!

Jesi had ripped out the ad and hid it under the loose floorboard in their bedroom, where they had been hiding random things from Avery and Mel since they were kids. They got up from the bed, jiggled the board, found the ad and dialed the number.

And nothing was ever the same again.